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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The OW messaged me then deleted it.

173 replies

thiscantbemylife · 02/09/2024 09:12

So here’s the back storey to it. I have six hours to kill waiting in an airport and this happened last night. Don’t know what to make of it, probably shouldn’t give it any thought but was bizarre.

I was just landing down in a plane turned my phone on and see a message from the women my ex left me for but said she had deleted it. This was on WhatsApp. She hasn’t messaged me once since the split almost a year ago. It made me so anxious had a scary plane landing and then bomb her message pops up.

I sent back a question mark and it read as she had seen it. She then started watching my social media stories. No reply so I don’t know if it was a mistake. Or because she had realised my ex is a dickhead. Because he is house siting our old home looking after my dog and she knows I’m coming back soon and now she’s insecure?

It was brutal how the relationship ended they had been having an affair for at least a year or more where they both lied to me. If you seen my previous posts you will have seen how messed up it made me at the time from flipping between knowing it was the right thing him being out my life to being dumbfounded how he could walk out on his family one day without even a conversation and jumping into a relationship with a women twice my age leaving me to raise our kids.

I feel vulnerable as we still at the stage where I don’t know what the future holds. She is extremely rich and I felt she essentially bought my family. Within months of him leaving she suggested they go into business together and she buys a house for him and our children.

So seeing her name pop up makes my stomach churn thinking will another bomb be dropped on my children’s and my life.

Why do you think she reached out?
What would you do? I’ve been doing so well the past few months I’m just like why now.

OP posts:
thiscantbemylife · 02/09/2024 15:29

Noodlehen · 02/09/2024 15:18

My guess is that she watched your story, then accidentally replied to story and deleted it quickly. Probably wasn’t anything at all.

Nah she msged me before viewing my storey I posted the storey afterwards. She msged me late at night. Plane landed and she popped up on WhatsApp but it said message had been deleted. I sent a question mark then an hour or so later I shared an airport pic on WhatsApp storey and she views it alongside viewing the msg I sent back. She didn’t then block me, say it was a mistake just nothing.

So I’m going with it’s she wants to check if it is legit with me being away and ex hasn’t moved back in. Or they have had a blow up and she reached out then realised I would probably get satisfaction from it going pear shaped and deleted it. Could be wrong just the timing with my flight is bizarre.

my flight has been delayed I just need to get home and see my kids and forget about it all.
All his relationships he has cheated and there has been drama. I found out a few years into relationship with him he overlapped with his ex previous and she reached out to me one day to say he cheated on her and always denied it and one day she was working and a women came into her work saying they were together. So I doubt he won’t be doing the same to a women he isn’t even attracted to.

I know it’s all out of my control and if it ends up being this women has a big part in my kids lives I have to just accept it. It happens to women everyday and all we can do is show up for our kids the best we can. That’s what the panic is in seeing her reach out as a few months ago it was about her buying a house for our children and ex to live in by her. So I guess I’m like what now?

OP posts:
probster · 02/09/2024 15:31

if it has gone pear shaped

i wonder whether he’s going to be asking for a place to stay

probster · 02/09/2024 15:32

i can’t believe that he dog sits
but then sends his children off to his mother’s

what a cretin

what is the childcare split?

thiscantbemylife · 02/09/2024 15:34

probster · 02/09/2024 15:32

i can’t believe that he dog sits
but then sends his children off to his mother’s

what a cretin

what is the childcare split?

So he has every other weekend but works Saturday. For the first six months he had every weekend til I actually posted on here and people said this isn’t quality time with my children and when my girls said they needed that I asked to change it. But last week before I went away he said he wants 50/50 now with one week his then one week with me. My kids are 4 and 6 and I’ve been their primary caregiver since they were born so this gives me aniexty that this isn’t in their end interests and part of me thinks it’s coming from her or and his mother.

OP posts:
thiscantbemylife · 02/09/2024 15:36

probster · 02/09/2024 15:32

i can’t believe that he dog sits
but then sends his children off to his mother’s

what a cretin

what is the childcare split?

Yeah he started saying he wants 50/50 with week on and off but the first week he gets with them his mum takes them away on holiday as he said it was too much pressure. Yet I run a business work a second job, do all the school runs and training this year on top.

OP posts:
thiscantbemylife · 02/09/2024 15:40

So I guess seeing the ow message pop up I fear the worst as what women says hey I’ll buy you a house for you and your children to live in by me and let’s become business partners a few months after they both leave their family relationships. I don’t see how their actions won’t affect our children who haven’t even come to terms with the new arrangements and us not being together. But this is life. Sorry if I’m not making sense my flight travel for going home has gone to a day and half of traveling so far I’m whiped out.

OP posts:
simpledeer · 02/09/2024 15:42

Have you told him to fuck off with the 50/50?

It is probably just a way to stop paying maintenance but his mum will have them, or whichever poor bitch he’s shacked up with.

Stand your ground.

AnonAnonmystery · 02/09/2024 15:42

Think it too soon for 50/50 as your children are young and you’ve been primary carer to this point. I have a late teen and a tween - we do eow but split the week 4 nights on / 4 nights off apart from holidays which are longer stays, as enables us to work and see kids.
Remember just because he’s asked for 50/50 , you do not have to say yes.

Speak to your solictor. Also ask him what he proposes of how a 50/50 split will work for the kids. I bet he hasn’t really thought it through. His plans may be completely inadequate. I wouldn’t let him in the home again to dog sit either again.
Try not to worry, take it as slowly as you can:

probster · 02/09/2024 15:42

thiscantbemylife · 02/09/2024 15:34

So he has every other weekend but works Saturday. For the first six months he had every weekend til I actually posted on here and people said this isn’t quality time with my children and when my girls said they needed that I asked to change it. But last week before I went away he said he wants 50/50 now with one week his then one week with me. My kids are 4 and 6 and I’ve been their primary caregiver since they were born so this gives me aniexty that this isn’t in their end interests and part of me thinks it’s coming from her or and his mother.

Edited

he lives with the OW?

i wonder if she’s pushing for 50/50

thiscantbemylife · 02/09/2024 15:59

He moved back in with his mum. OW will buy him a house when her divorce money comes through apparently. So I imagine that will all happen as that’s what he told me. He wouldn’t dare rent has to be a house bought.

Think this is what annoys me the most if it was about our children he would have rented somewhere by now. He wouldn’t think 50/50 is in their best interests when he has worked 6 days a week from 7 til 6/7 since they were born.

I think part of it is image he wants to be this amazing Dad to the outside world.

It is hard to separate my feelings from it but hand on heart I think they are too young and it’s too soon. He makes life changing decisions at the drop of a hat. Our youngest is about to start school. I think moving every 7 days at their age is insane. I will hold my ground on this. If he really wants more time I will go back and suggest starting with Wednesdays every week with EOW.

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 02/09/2024 16:02

You mentioned she could see your stories as well, surely you can click on her and block it?

I agree she was checking up to see if he was lying. Oh well.

thiscantbemylife · 02/09/2024 16:04

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 02/09/2024 16:02

You mentioned she could see your stories as well, surely you can click on her and block it?

I agree she was checking up to see if he was lying. Oh well.

I blocked her now so all good.

OP posts:
probster · 02/09/2024 16:07

she’s been dangling the promise of a house for over a year?

what a fool your ex is

probster · 02/09/2024 16:12

is he still an on off drug user?

that needs to be the reason why you point blank refuse for 50/50

thiscantbemylife · 02/09/2024 16:15

probster · 02/09/2024 16:12

is he still an on off drug user?

that needs to be the reason why you point blank refuse for 50/50

Yeah it was short lived him giving it up he smokes weed and drinks. Does the court take that into account?

OP posts:
probster · 02/09/2024 16:17

thiscantbemylife · 02/09/2024 16:15

Yeah it was short lived him giving it up he smokes weed and drinks. Does the court take that into account?

weed smoking. Yes

probster · 02/09/2024 16:17

and the previous drug taking that he has supposedly given up?

notbelieved · 02/09/2024 16:32

please, please, please put your boundaries in place with this woman. You owe her nothing. She doesn't get to invade your life as and when suits her and then hold her hands up and pretend it doesn't matter. Block her. You are not friends, you don't need her able to get to you via social media, phone or any other means.

Something will have happened and she was probably trying to check out the truth of something or other. The OW in my case turned up on my doorstep 3 days after I'd given birth to my ex's child. Believe me, I told her exactly where to get off. When she persisted, I reported her to the police for harassment. I had no intention of getting involved in their arguments or problems or being some kind of purveyor of the truth. She got what she wanted - my ex - her job to manage him!

user1471538283 · 02/09/2024 16:35

I bet it's not going well and she's hoping for support. Ignore her. She and he caused it so they can sort it out

I bet and hope it's a case of they fucked around and they found out.

AnonAnonmystery · 02/09/2024 16:45

Yes 100% he can’t be around your dc like this. What if he’s high on weed then drives to collect them from school?

probster · 02/09/2024 16:46

AnonAnonmystery · 02/09/2024 16:45

Yes 100% he can’t be around your dc like this. What if he’s high on weed then drives to collect them from school?

i’m interested what drugs he was taking before now it’s just weed!

tsmainsqueeze · 02/09/2024 17:03

She's twice his age , i bet she lives in constant terror , serves her right.

probster · 02/09/2024 17:23

tsmainsqueeze · 02/09/2024 17:03

She's twice his age , i bet she lives in constant terror , serves her right.

terror at losing a drug taking cheat who lives with and relies upon his mama?

GreyCarpet · 02/09/2024 19:05

OK, OP.

Two things.

An ex friend of mine was an OW (hence ex friend). Details aren't relevant but she effectively 'bought' him and the children as she was a high earner. She was convinced that the better life she could provide him with would secure him. It didn't he left her. He didn't return to his wife but he was cheating on her 🤷🏻‍♀️

My exh had an affair and has been with the OW for 12 years now. She is still insecure about him speaking to me and has now effectively forbidden him from spending time with the children (now adults) if I'm there too. It's ridiculous.

You will likely never know why she messaged and deleted it but the life of the OW is rarely smooth because she knows the lies and deception he is capable of and his lack of loyalty and integrity.

You were doing well until this. Block her on WA so she can't read your stories or message you. She has no right to view your life.

GreyCarpet · 02/09/2024 19:07

probster · 02/09/2024 17:23

terror at losing a drug taking cheat who lives with and relies upon his mama?

Edited

You clearly have higher standards than her 😉

I'd imagine many an OW has worried about her prize returning to its original 'owner' at some point. It doesn't matter whether its one worth having or not.