Does anal sex need explicit consent?

[TellingFriends]

2 month relationship.

Man and woman have consensual PIV sex. Is it acceptable for him to have anal sex with her without asking first?

Woman would not have consented if asked beforehand but did not stop him.

Is it fair for him to assume the woman will say no if she doesn't want it?

Woman had never had anal sex before. Woman is also a CSA survivor but he didn't know this.

The hottest most thrilling sex I've had has been with men who demanded my enthusiastic verbal request for what we were going to do. The absolute worst, including what was basically rape, was done in silence and without any interest in what I wanted.

I'm sorry, OP, that a man has abused your lovely body in this way. Your body is your own and any engagement with it should be for your pleasure. 💖

Exactly. It’s a typical freeze reaction for people not to be able to respond in the moment and indeed that’s why some men spring it upon their partners.

Yes it needs explicit consent. Without explicit consent it is rape. I'm so sorry OP.

It doesn't exactly just slide in for it to be an accident.

there are some men who set out to do this, pretending it was a mistake, and then boast about it to their friends.
they have a kind of league table; who can effectively rape most women.
the fact that they do it by trickery just adds to their sense of achievement.
Please be careful, OP.
i think you need to get far away from him.
a decent man wouldn't behave like this.

Hopefully by now he is an EX....
I'm sorry this happened to you and hope you are ok

Anal sex without consent is the most violent and disgusting thing ever done on a woman and a man.

That's rape OP.

You feel uncomfortable by the definition of a sex act being imposed on us without our consent being termed rape? Do we need to be tied up by a guy in a ski mask to use this word?

What would you like to call it instead?

As a man, I can assure you that you can’t ignorantly insert it into the wrong hole. You can misalign a little for entry, but the angles and the entry "feel" is different - so you know.

This is not even remotely OK.

No, no, no. This is rape.

Rape is non consensual sex. Consent can be withdrawn at any time. The OP was not asked if she wanted to take part in the act and she did not want to do it; that's rape.

It's normal to freeze when you're being assaulted as an act of self preservation.

What is this utter nonsense. Are you dense?!

It is rape if the woman was not consenting, and the man did not reasonably believe she was consenting. Anal had not been discussed, and she froze when he did it. He did not have a reasonable belief that she was consenting.

Of course it is rape! It’s the definition of it. Not stopping someone is not consent, you can freeze, be in pain and shock.

Sorry if this is TMI but there had been PIV sex beforehand without a condom so things were quite lubricated down there. I guess that is how he managed to do it without warning.

Oh dear goodness me, how vile to do that without explicit consent.

i hope you are OK

My DH and I have anal fairly often and he ALWAYS checks first. Certain prep is needed and it feels completely different so no way can this be an accident. This is awful I'm so sorry

Yes

I think it's normal in a newer relationship to have some differences in expectations, and that can be more so if there are other gaps - age differences, people are from a different culture, etc. (My partner told me that when he immigrated as a young man he was a bit shocked at what some of the expectations were with the girls he dated, for example.) The difficult part is that people don't know what they don't know.

There is an assumption, in most sexual encounters that aren't coerced, that there will be some open communication, so when these unexpected differences come up people can say they don't want to do something, aren't comfortable, or whatever.

People might feel anal sex ought to be something where the social norm is to discuss it first, but it's not in some groups, particularly younger people. You can't really change other people's past experiences with oughts.

I think being unable to speak up when something isn't what you want/like - when there is not an issue of violence or coercion - is a pretty serious problem really. It puts both partners at risk, especially if the other one does not know the person is so reticent.

@TellingFriends Any sexual act requires consent from both partners whether its PIV, oral touching and anal, the man doing anal sex without getting consent from his partner is sodomy (anal rape).

I'd never done anal before until I got with my current partner and he was too nervous and shy to ask me so we never did until we were cuddling/spooning one night and I felt his boner against my thigh so I asked him if that was what he wanted. We had an open discussion about it and agreed to certain conditions and set boundaries i.e if it hurt me or made me uncomfortable at any point he would stop immediately which he has done on a couple of occasions it hurt a little I told him straight away and he stopped. We'd been together about 9 months when we first tried it and I trust him and am comfortable enough that we do it reguluary now but if I say no he never pressure's me. If he hadn't stopped I'd consider that sexual assault.

Communication and consent is key when it comes to sexually experimenting and any man who just does it without asking and communicating with their partner because they think their partner would say no is sexual assault.

OP, I felt ok just after I got anally raped. It took me a couple of days to process and begin to feel disturbed, even though I was injured. It's not my place to tell you how to feel or how you're going to feel, but I hope you give yourself all possible care and support as you need it, without second guessing or questioning yourself.

Big hugs.