Does anal sex need explicit consent?

[TellingFriends]

2 month relationship.

Man and woman have consensual PIV sex. Is it acceptable for him to have anal sex with her without asking first?

Woman would not have consented if asked beforehand but did not stop him.

Is it fair for him to assume the woman will say no if she doesn't want it?

Woman had never had anal sex before. Woman is also a CSA survivor but he didn't know this.

No. Just no. Are you out of your mind?!

but I don't think you can call it rape if you didn't make any effort to stop the process.

Please ignore this OP. There's a lot of ignorance around rape, one is that it's only rape if you fight back or say no. That's not true, rape is non consensual sex and it's common to freeze; it's a perfectly normal response.

YES anal sex needs consent @TellingFriends Hope you're OK (if it's you...)

@TellingFriends Also, this might sound naive but could this happen by accident? Lying down, 'spoon' position. Could it have been a mistake?

Man here- the answer is no.

No, this is rape. Goodness me, please ignore people saying you didn’t communicate regarding it - it is normal to freeze and the victim should never be blamed

Initially yes but both would immediately realise and know before he entered further. A one off prod could be a mistake but anything else.

No.

I think we need more sex education around consent.

I've always worked on the assumption that any sexual act with a partner for the first time requires explicit verbal consent. And something like anal sex, that has the potential to be painful I still ask every single time, even after 20 years.

Can it happen by accident? Yes. At the end of the day you're aiming for a small target that's an inch from the "wrong" target, usually without being able to see what you're aiming for. So yes, very very very occasionally its possible to make a mistake. But even then, it's immediately obvious what's happened as soon as you make contact. At which point, everything stops and there should be apologies. If instead at this point he's just continuing, then he knows exactly what he's doing.

I'm sorry this happened to you,hope you're ok

Agreed.

There's some really fucking disturbing content on this thread...

It's not normal to fuck people who are half asleep.

If you DIDN'T GIVE EXPLICIT ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT TO A NEW SEXUAL ACT it doesn't matter how fast or slow he inserted his penis. It's still a non-consensual act.

Misjudging a thrust is a bullshit excuse and in the vanishingly rare chance it actually happened, he should be profusely apologetic and checking you are ok.

And finally.

For the love of all that is good and holy -

FREEZING IS NOT THE SAME AS CONSENT.

I hope some of you aren't raising sons.

I'm horrified at this. It absolutely needs explicit consent, it's not an act that everyone will be comfortable doing, regardless of the impression porn sick men form.

Yes ofcourse. Without question.

I don't know how anyone could think otherwise.

Yes of course it does. What you’ve just described is rape.

7

Of course explicit consent is necessary.

"but I don't think you can call it rape if you didn't make any effort to stop the process."

What utter, utter fucking nonsense. I'm so mad reading that! So, a woman who is scared to say no to an abusive partner isn't being raped because she doesn't say no? A woman being raped by a stranger who freezes to stop getting beat up as well as raped isn't being raped? I've read some tripe on here but that's the most idiotic comment I've ever seen.

OP, it can't just slip in, even with consent it takes a while to get going especially first time. Please stay away from that man and if you haven't already, get therapy. Speaking from someone with PTSD from a teenage because, according to the other poster, apparently it was my fault for not saying no 😡 CBT can help alot ❤️ that man shouldn't be doing that to anyone, whether they've been through trauma before or not. Hope you'll be ok and find strength from the posters here ❤️

I know people are saying no but actually yes it can happen by accident, it has done to me before. Obviously when I was fairly young and with an inexperienced partner. But you should be able to tell by the reaction, did he just carry on?

Yes, men can get the wrong hole by accident but it’s pretty clear when they feel physical resistance and the woman says “ow” or “wrong hole”. They absolutely know it feels different and wouldn’t think it’s a vagina if there was penetration. Any normal man would not try to penetrate a butthole without a conversation first and they wouldn’t just continue without saying something if they got the wrong hole. It’s absolutely not ok to do this without consent, it’s not a part of “normal” sex. I’m really sorry this happened to you and I really hope you aren’t injured

no. No it couldn’t have been a mistake. It’s rape. No ifs no buts.

No. Explicit consent needed always.

Explicit, enthusiastic verbal consent along with a chat about anything the guy should be aware of/avoid.

And no, anyone that says it is a "mistake" knows they're in the wrong and trying to hide behind flimsy excuses.

That is not ok atall. I would not see him again

Considering the op is probably talking about herself and if so, she's been raped, perhaps people could calm down with the "wtf? Why do you even have to ask/how do you not know?!" Type responses.

After an assault a lot of people are confused, shocked, doubting their own recall and have perhaps been gaslit or lied to about what happened. Bit of compassion people, please.