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Original poster

Does anal sex need explicit consent?

691 replies

TellingFriends · 01/09/2024 20:18

2 month relationship.

Man and woman have consensual PIV sex. Is it acceptable for him to have anal sex with her without asking first?

Woman would not have consented if asked beforehand but did not stop him.

Is it fair for him to assume the woman will say no if she doesn't want it?

Woman had never had anal sex before. Woman is also a CSA survivor but he didn't know this.

OP posts:
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5
Choochoo21 · 01/09/2024 21:26

They should have explicit consensual consent every time but especially if it has never happened before.

Anal sex is not a normal part of sex.

I wonder how he’d have felt if you had put a dildo up his anus without consent.

He should have asked obviously.
But you also did not feel comfortable enough to tell him to stop.

Both of these things mean that you need to stay far away from him and never have sex with him again.

FWIW it may accidentally touch your anus but it would never accidentally enter it.

When people have anal sex they take a while to build up to it, using their fingers etc and then use lots of lube.

The fact he did none of this tells you what sort of person he is.

It may be worth getting checked out because you could be injured.

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 01/09/2024 21:27

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How awful you feel uncomfortable. Must be tough.

Rape is rape, even if the name is uncomfortable to you.

username44416 · 01/09/2024 21:27

TempestTost · 01/09/2024 21:23

I think it's normal in a newer relationship to have some differences in expectations, and that can be more so if there are other gaps - age differences, people are from a different culture, etc. (My partner told me that when he immigrated as a young man he was a bit shocked at what some of the expectations were with the girls he dated, for example.) The difficult part is that people don't know what they don't know.

There is an assumption, in most sexual encounters that aren't coerced, that there will be some open communication, so when these unexpected differences come up people can say they don't want to do something, aren't comfortable, or whatever.

People might feel anal sex ought to be something where the social norm is to discuss it first, but it's not in some groups, particularly younger people. You can't really change other people's past experiences with oughts.

I think being unable to speak up when something isn't what you want/like - when there is not an issue of violence or coercion - is a pretty serious problem really. It puts both partners at risk, especially if the other one does not know the person is so reticent.

People might feel anal sex ought to be something where the social norm is to discuss it first, but it's not in some groups, particularly younger people.

You're talking about normalising sexual assault. Any kind of sex needs explicit consent and anal sex needs preparation or it's very painful. I sincerely hope that young girls aren't being regularly sexually assaulted.

Marchingonagain · 01/09/2024 21:29

Newsenmum · 01/09/2024 20:21

Of course you ask! It’s incredibly intense, needs prep and is often not ok for a lot of women. Someone would have to be quite thick not to know this.

This

Loseitlikelollo · 01/09/2024 21:29

TempestTost · 01/09/2024 21:23

I think it's normal in a newer relationship to have some differences in expectations, and that can be more so if there are other gaps - age differences, people are from a different culture, etc. (My partner told me that when he immigrated as a young man he was a bit shocked at what some of the expectations were with the girls he dated, for example.) The difficult part is that people don't know what they don't know.

There is an assumption, in most sexual encounters that aren't coerced, that there will be some open communication, so when these unexpected differences come up people can say they don't want to do something, aren't comfortable, or whatever.

People might feel anal sex ought to be something where the social norm is to discuss it first, but it's not in some groups, particularly younger people. You can't really change other people's past experiences with oughts.

I think being unable to speak up when something isn't what you want/like - when there is not an issue of violence or coercion - is a pretty serious problem really. It puts both partners at risk, especially if the other one does not know the person is so reticent.

Completely disagree. If anything the younger generation are more aware of consent. There’s no way a man can just think it’s ok to attempt it, especially for the first time with no prior discussion due to the amount of prep necessary and the fact everyone knows not every woman is into anal.

It’s very common for people not to be able to speak up in the moment various situations , especially ND people and/or those with trauma that may process things slower, a freeze reaction can happen but that doesn’t excuse others not gaining proper consent.

Newsenmum · 01/09/2024 21:29

@Divasaurus this is a problem and a concerning attitude because this is actually rape.

Divasaurus · 01/09/2024 21:31

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Fluffyelephant · 01/09/2024 21:31

I’m really sorry this happened.

It is rape. But I suspect a lot of men are so wrapped up in their own desires and have watched so much porn that they don’t even realise it is and that this shouldn’t be normal. Even tv shows imply this kind of thing is normal (this exact scenario happens in Fleabag) which makes it so much harder for women. You shouldn’t have to fight someone off or challenge them to stop. They should ask! It’s ridiculous.

Even if he felt too awkward to have a full on discussion of “do you want to have anal?” Anyone with even the most basic emotional maturity should know to say ‘is that ok?’ when they’re trying to do it to give you the opportunity to say yes or no.

I would tell this man how it’s made you feel (by text if you don’t plan to see him again) and I wouldn’t be seeing him again if I was you.

insomniacalways · 01/09/2024 21:32

Each act during sex requires explicit consent, Can I do X ? Do you like that? And No - you can't accidentally go into someone's anus and think it is their vagina - so he knew what he was doing and probably putting the onus on you to push him away / say no. However all the evidence shows many people freeze when they are assaulted. This is why the messages about consent are now so clear - you have to ask - explicit consent. I am so sorry this happened to you. There is a 24/7 Rape & Sexual Abuse Support Line is open 24 hours a day, every day of the year: Call free on 0808 500 2222 they an offer advice and walk to you about consent as well.

rainydays03 · 01/09/2024 21:32

Yes you absolutely do have a conversation about it first. However, I really don’t believe this is rape. If the man got a bit ahead of himself, a bit carried away in the moment and the woman didn’t say no once the act was happening, i’m not sure this can be classed as rape?

Loseitlikelollo · 01/09/2024 21:33

Fluffyelephant · 01/09/2024 21:31

I’m really sorry this happened.

It is rape. But I suspect a lot of men are so wrapped up in their own desires and have watched so much porn that they don’t even realise it is and that this shouldn’t be normal. Even tv shows imply this kind of thing is normal (this exact scenario happens in Fleabag) which makes it so much harder for women. You shouldn’t have to fight someone off or challenge them to stop. They should ask! It’s ridiculous.

Even if he felt too awkward to have a full on discussion of “do you want to have anal?” Anyone with even the most basic emotional maturity should know to say ‘is that ok?’ when they’re trying to do it to give you the opportunity to say yes or no.

I would tell this man how it’s made you feel (by text if you don’t plan to see him again) and I wouldn’t be seeing him again if I was you.

Ugh yeah I remember thinking some scenes in fleabag were quite painful. It was so long ago I watched it but that does ring a bell.

BirthdayRainbow · 01/09/2024 21:34

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FFS

Really?

It is rape. She didn't want it. She was frozen into silence. It is not the same as vaginal sex.

RancidRuby · 01/09/2024 21:34

Dismayed at all the rape apologists on this thread.

Hope your OK, OP.

Original poster
TellingFriends · 01/09/2024 21:35

Thank you @TerracottaWorrier and I am so sorry that happened to you Flowers

Yes I'm finding it hard to process and feel very confused. Thank you to everyone who has replied confirming what I suspected.

OP posts:
rainydays03 · 01/09/2024 21:35

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Completely agree with you - i’ve just written a post myself and suspect i’ll get bashed for it…I honestly don’t see how this can be rape. He’s absolutely a prick of course for not discussing before hand, but sounds to me like he felt that she was perhaps comfortable in the moment. If she didn’t say no, then i’m not sure how would he know she wasn’t comfortable with it - especially in the spoon position where he couldn’t read her face? But definitely in agreement with others he shouldn’t have assumed it was ok.

Nonethemiser · 01/09/2024 21:36

This is absolutely not right. My DP and I VERY occasionally do this - it's sort of spontaeneous (ie not planned beforehand) but it is absolutely discussed before it happens. I'm not sure how old you or your partner are or what his reaction has been since but this is completely unacceptable. I am so sorry about your past - it may be that you haven't told him but that doesn't mean that he hasn't sensed something. It may well be that through no fault of your own you are giving out vulnerable vibes that some men pick up on. I hope I have written this in a kind way - you are absolutely the victim here and have done nothing wrong. I would have nothing more to do with him and you should consider whether you want to take it further. I also think you need to talk to somebody (possibly a professional counsellor) - sending best wishes.

Divasaurus · 01/09/2024 21:36

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BirthdayRainbow · 01/09/2024 21:36

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How can you not see that anal sex is very different to vaginal sex and oral?

Gremlins101 · 01/09/2024 21:37

Specific consent for anal sex should have been sought.

Anal sex is a big deal for many people, and many will not consent to it.

HeyPrestoAlakazam · 01/09/2024 21:37

RancidRuby · 01/09/2024 21:34

Dismayed at all the rape apologists on this thread.

Hope your OK, OP.

It's horrific. I can't believe what I'm reading.

Borgonzola · 01/09/2024 21:37

How old are you? I'm not trying to sound rude but I'm worried if you're young that you might think this is normal / acceptable.

Explicit and enthusiastic consent needed. Just because he's seen it in porn, doesn't mean you need to oblige. See also any kind of choking or rough play.

username44416 · 01/09/2024 21:38

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He's a rapist. Having sex with someone doesn't give them cart blanche to your body or any sexual act they choose.

She gave consent to sex and consented throughout. She did not give consent to anal sex. He didn't ask and there was no preparation.

It's quite common for a survivor of sexual abuse, to not understand boundaries around their body because they have been violated. However, it's very common for someone to freeze as a response to assault, it's an automatic defence mechanism.

It's a myth that you need to struggle or say no to sex for it to be rape. You need enthusiastic consent.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 01/09/2024 21:39

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You really don't understand how consent works do you?

The PIV sex was consensual. He then moved on to performing a different sex act. He did not ask for consent for this, and consent was not given. Freezing is not consent. Not saying "No" is not consent. Anything short of a enthusiastic "Yes, I am happy for this to happen" is not consent. Sex without consent is rape. This man is a rapist.

BeutflMeiliLife · 01/09/2024 21:40

TellingFriends · 01/09/2024 20:18

2 month relationship.

Man and woman have consensual PIV sex. Is it acceptable for him to have anal sex with her without asking first?

Woman would not have consented if asked beforehand but did not stop him.

Is it fair for him to assume the woman will say no if she doesn't want it?

Woman had never had anal sex before. Woman is also a CSA survivor but he didn't know this.

Yes consent is normal. Most Men would check in, maybe by whilst pressing there asking "do you want to/this/anal"? Then lubricant is commonly used, and it done slowly, checking with you whether you are ok or want to stop.
Hope you are ok. Take care. Good Men won't push this.

soberholic · 01/09/2024 21:40

@tresales @Divasaurus

Your views regarding what constitutes rape and not rape are a couple generations behind.

These days it's known that anal sex isn't an automatic or natural part of sex unless absolutely - explicitly consented to.

Pretty much on a par with the explicit consent needed by the man for me to bite his penis off after he tries to slide it up the wrong hole.

While I've never experienced this, as someone that would freeze and not think to fight until after, I dare say he'd get away with it with me then I'd be cut up with feeling responsible afterwards. Comments like yours would reinforce this.

That's why there's been a paradigm shift to 'every sexual act needs consent first'.