Dating at 50

[50andhopeless]

I am 50, female, blonde, blue eyes, slim, and attractive. I used to be well off when I was married. But also recently divorced, no assets or savings , minimum wage on dead end job, no qualifications and living on a shared accommodation. I drink and do the occasional drugs. What are my possibilities to find a nice man with a good job, no baggage that wants a serious relationship? I am in Bumble. I am being honest to find honest advice

Reread @DrPeculiar s post. I read hers and thought she sounded interesting and fun. Someone I’d like to hang out with. There’s nothing in your posts that makes me want to get to know you better. I think you need to work on getting some hobbies and interests that you can talk to people about and which make you interesting.

It will also expand your social circle and you might meet someone organically.

Your living arrangements are also a problem. Do you need to stay in London? I’d look at a job elsewhere where you can afford your own place. Well off men want women who also have a nice lifestyle. Not women living in share houses. And stop with the drugs. Also not appealing.

Id also suggest you look at doing some kind of training or volunteer work or extra job in your spare time to try and move into better paying work. You’ve got loads of time before retirement. Maybe a civil service role? And it would mean you would be more likely to meet someone at work. Good luck

With full respect OP I think that your wants are unrealistic. Many people have a degree UK - I do and I bet lots more on MN too. We don't go around expecting our partners to earn 6 figures and keep us as we drink and take drugs... You are actually turning your nose up at working men who earn around £50,000 when you have nothing? You may think yourself "very beautiful" but it's very unlikely that some guy earning 6 figures is going to waltz into your life and rescue you. I don't know what kind of "love story" you expect, but your expectations are extremely high...I wish you the best anyway, and I hope you find someone who fits your wish list.🌸

Translation: I'm not a high-quality woman, but I want a high-quality man without feeling the need to change myself.

Ambition is admirable, always aim high, but you want someone to take care of you, because you haven't been taking care of yourself.

This. I have a degree and earn a little more then £50000 (which OP herself said she wouldn’t consider as a suitable income for a partner) and would have no problem dating a heating engineer on £50000. The OP is in a minimum wage job with limited prospects but somehow considers a skilled man on an above average wage beneath her.

OP- you consider yourself very attractive. If that is objectively true it will widen your prospects at least for initial male interest.

However you still need to consider two things 1. Men of your age with no baggage, ‘good jobs’ and financially stability are often wanting and able to secure ‘very attractive’ thirty year old women.
2.Some/lots of men of that category will be interested in women your age. However most will expect the woman to bring something to the table other then her looks- a fulfilling career, a home to call her own (whether rented or owned) ability to pay her own way, hobbies/interests (outside of drinking/drugs).

And ultimately very few men of fifty regardless of financial status and wants/desires will have no baggage. How could they? You are looking for a tiny subset of single men who have never been married or had children. I’d be questioning how/why they got to middle age without committing to someone or something.

When I said no baggage I was referring to someone completely single, with no little children or crazy exes. I didn't look down on a 50k job, I just prefer to date people with formal education. Like a teacher. I am not expecting someone with a six figure job, only someone with a decent job.

You still haven’t addressed the fact that very few (I’d argue no) 50 year old solvent men without baggage are going to want to be the main earner in a new relationship with a middle aged woman who will be a virtual stranger. I’d argue this would even more true of educated middle earners like teachers. They will want the woman to either be able to financially support herself on an equal footing or provide the possibility of a future family (or given that it is 2024, most likely and most desirably, both).

They say there is someone out there for everyone. Why are you doing drugs? Are you looking for a man that does the same. At 50 you aren’t old. I would work on improving your finances, retraining better job. So you can live alone.

Your posts are so inconsistent.
First you say you don’t want a meal ticket then you say you don’t want to be the main earner, which means you don’t want someone who is paid the same as you and you do expect some sort of support.

It’s coming across you are very focused on the salary of a potential new partner and their status and what that might offer you. And yet you can’t offer that back.

At the start of a relationship I would expect to pay 50/50 on dates and nights, I would not assume they were paying for me because there were a man, that’s a bit old fashioned. So maybe you need to factor in how you are going up pay for all these dates with rich men.

But that is the whole point of my post. I am not denying that I have a problem. I'm just trying to understand others experiences. I was married to a very wealthy man for 20 years. All my references and expectations come from there. I am trying to understand my new reality. I never had a problem attracting people with income potential 10 times my income potential before. I understand that conditions are not the same so asking for points of view.

What about the other ten years of your adult life? What were you doing from 18-30?

And you never had a problem attracting people with income potential 10x yours, but you weren’t a 50 year old with very little to offer then.

University, masters degree, couple of.jobs. I never worked in my field. Married up.

Agree 100 percent.

What kind of date should I be aiming at? By the way, I work 50 hours a week or more, i pay my rent, my bills.

Ok… let me tell you my understanding then since I am in a good position to as a teacher in middle management in London (according to your recent posts the female equivalent of the kind of man you are hoping to attract). I am a a 37 year old woman. I earn over 60k and am university educated. I have worked full time since I left university in 2010. I am married to a 50 year old professional man (not a teacher) who I met when I was 33 online. He had never been married and had no children. He earns approximately £50000 (professional job, in management, just very competitive and not particularly well paid). We have children and have bought a house together. We both contribute proportionally to maintaining our lifestyle. My husband is hard working, good looking and kind. He is 13 years older than me and was looking for someone to have a family with. He was not looking for someone searching for a meal ticket and wouldn’t have contemplated it. I personally think you need to focus on you and improving your life, not dating. But if that isn’t possible or palatable then you may need to look at older men. Solvent, desirable 50 year old men can easily attract women ten to twenty years younger or women of the same age who are career driven, successful and well rounded.

was married to a very wealthy man for 20 years. All my references and expectations come from there. I am trying to understand my new reality.

This is the key, I think. But you’re taking the wrong lesson from it- rather than thinking about how you should approach dating in order to recreate your old reality, you should be building a new one. Relying on a man to support you is high risk, as you have found. I’d forget about dating for now and thinking about rebuilding your life on your own. You are obviously intelligent and have qualifications, just no recent experience. What sort of job would you enjoy? What steps could you take to get you there? Or could you start a business yourself?

Imagine yourself in 5 years with a job you’re proud of, your own place, having created a life that you want on your terms. That’s a much stronger foundation than hoping for a man on a white horse to ride in a save you from your current predicament. As a side point, it would also make you much more of a catch when it comes to dating, but that shouldn’t be the aim.

It’s scary starting again at 50 but people do it and make a great success of it. You have another two decades of working life to go, so it’s worth investing in that time.

But I don't want a meal ticket. I work all the hours available. 40 to 50. I pay my rent, my bills. I said I don't mind someone 10 years older. But they also seem to prefer younger women.

This is where you contradict yourself and it doesn’t seem believable. You stated yourself that you want someone who earns more to be the main earner.

If you want to date younger men or men close to your age, you'll probably have to lie on the app. Basically men have cutoffs like 50 or 45 etc. So you'll have to be "under" to even hit their search results.
Men lie about height, women about age

Going against the grain here. I think you could easily find someone if you're attractive and regularly socialize.

In my experience men aren't always that interested in finding someone with assets or a career.

But for your own sake and happiness I would work on yourself first; figure out what interests you and pursue it. Develop some passions in life. That will serve you well whether you find someone or not.

You have much to be proud of; you pay your bills and survived an unfair divorce.

No need to make your life ambition finding a man. Work that as a side project and focus on enjoying your own life.

That is not a meal ticket. All couples I know, the man earns more than the woman. That is just the reality.

That’s not the reality I have experienced living in London. Most of my friends are professionals (teachers, in PR, publishing, vets, architects, lecturers etc). They earn equally or (in some cases) outearn their partners. Obviously this is the not the case when on maternity leave but a year or less is the norm. Wanting a man to out earn you in order to supplement your lifestyle is looking for a meal ticket.

But why does it matter to you if out earns you if he’s salary won’t be contributing to your life style as say you don’t want a meal ticket.

You seem to have no concept of paying 50/50 in a new relationship, there is an undertone that they need to be the higher earner which will eventually lead you out of your current situation because your unable to do it by yourself.

This is common in my friendship group as well but it’s usually because the woman either gave up work for a while or went PT to care for (joint) children. So it’s absolutely fair- both partners are contributing to the family in different ways.

It’s different when you’re meeting a new partner later in life as children obviously aren’t part of the picture. That’s not to say that you have to find someone who earns what you do, only that it’s not worth comparing your situation to others.

So every woman that earns less than a man is a gold digger?

Exactly this. No middle aged middle earner is going to want to out earn a middle aged woman they have just met in order to support/supplement her lifestyle. Unless they are desperate.