Dating at 50

[50andhopeless]

I am 50, female, blonde, blue eyes, slim, and attractive. I used to be well off when I was married. But also recently divorced, no assets or savings , minimum wage on dead end job, no qualifications and living on a shared accommodation. I drink and do the occasional drugs. What are my possibilities to find a nice man with a good job, no baggage that wants a serious relationship? I am in Bumble. I am being honest to find honest advice

Umm, wouldn't that be a high earner? Certainly much higher than what the majority of men earn.

@50andhopeless All my circle of friends do drugs regularly at parties and clubs. It is considered standard in high income jobs. I cannot afford to do it anymore so that is a good thing. Only when I am with them.

Sounds like an inadvertent admission that people in high income jobs are lazy.

You want someone with drive but don't seem to have much of your own. You need to be driven in some way, to be attractive to men with drive I think.

I have four or five wonderful friends on the dating apps and they've not found anyone decent at all. Oh younger than you as well. As has been said any one under 50 won't date a woman over 40 Which is part of the problem. The other part is that all the attractive or good men are married already or have affairs. If they are divorced and single there's likely a good reason.

I am not entirely surprised you say East European.
i live in London and dated pre covid. I did go on some dates with Eastern European women, as did others i knew.
There was definitely an undercurrent of ‘I’ll earn pocket money for my perfume, shoes and bags and you’ll pay for the rest.’
After a while I saw being Eastern European as being a bit of a red flag. (As unfair as that might be)

That is a very unfair stereotype.

I'd agree. I have a degree and am a senior manager. My partner left school asap and is trade. He's witty, well informed, a great conversationalist and gets more questions right on university challenge than I do.

Can you get a lower paid job in a higher end shop?

Eg you say you work in retail. In that case look for retail jobs at places where you will
come into contact with wealthy single men. Harrods, Liberty etc. Just a thought.

The real issue here is one of intent and attitude.

By way of qualification I fit your bill. Early 40s, low six figure salary, not uni educated but a skilled job in risk management.

to the first bit of the question - real good quality men and women are rarely single in their 50s and not single for long! Quality marries smartly, is willing to work hard in relationships, accepts the rough and the smooth and doesn't often break a marriage. It would take a hell of a lot to make me leave my wife and it would be from her actions alone, no gambling/affair/booze etc is ever going to be worth the bond I have with my wife and the joint bond we have with our children.

However, shit happens.so you meet a quality individual online. Shared accomodation, minimum wage, shit hand of a divorce none of that is deal breaking.

What is is your attitude. You work a minimum wage job yet can pay for a couple of rails of coke and a few pills every two months? Ever think of investing that cash into a vocational course to get a rung up on the career front?

Intent wise, it sounds like you just want an enabler for that lifestyle with more salubrious accomodation.

Hard pass.

OP have you tried Hinge? I've found for London that is the best OLD app. Depends on your tastes.
Also worth checking that your profile is realistic and appealling - google some articles on successful profiles - many people's are awful and don't give away enough to engage people. And assume 3/4 of the chats will lead to nothing and peter out - because people are busy and until you meet you don't really mean anything to them. Harsh but true. I agree with PP that there may be some negative stereotypes of Eastern European women expecting to be paid for - also harsh to hear i'm sure.
OLD dating is a numbers game and you do have a kiss quite a few frogs.
The shared accommodation thing would be offputting - but it only takes one man who has his own accomm that he's happy to host you at. Not all men will care. good luck

But with the greatest respect heating engineers earn a lot more money than you do and are generally really useful people to know who can fix a load of other stuff too.

Your attitude certainly can't be helping you.

A heating engineer is likely to earn at least twice as much as you, and yet you this he is beneath you for dome reason.

You want a man who brings a lot to the table, while bringing very little yourself. By definition, that is a gold digger.

You're a graduate so you wouldn't want a heating engineer?

My dad is both a heating engineer and a graduate.

You're coming across as a bit snobby and cold.

Why are you focusing on dating rather than on improving your circumstances? You've already been shown that men won’t give you financial security so you're going to have to get that for yourself.

Drink and drugs are ways to numb yourself from your reality + you need to face your reality in order to improve it.

Focus on work, not men. Give up booze and drugs. Make friends. Save money. Work more. Work as much as you can.

Frankly, OP, you sound very snobby and quite entitled. You have high demands yet you bring very little to the table yourself.

Perhaps if you change your attitude and expectations you might be more successful.

First off, start discreetly refusing the coke at parties. Not judgement (although I disagree with it myself for supply chain issues), it's a terrible idea after 40 even occasionally for cardio reasons.

Get a second job at a nice pub or a pub in a nice area. Gets you out socially meeting men without spending money. If city then Thursday nights, not weekends. I worked in one such place (well it wasn't posh but lots of men went after work). I was asked out all the time and so was a gorgeous 50 something grandma.

Decide what you really want. You have your values about wanting an affluent life and well off man, ok. Thats quite ingrained but what sort of person do you want, not sort of wallet? It's not all a transaction. You're managing on min wage perfectly well. Could you reframe this as giving you some sort of freedom to look at the human rather than mainly the financial attributes?

I mean, how well did that serve you last time? At least you've got time to pick yourself up at 50 but you really were unusually ruthlessly screwed over after having kids with someone.

Most importantly do some career research or get advice. Develop yourself.

That is my point asking. Other points of view

Agree with all these posts. I don’t think it’s your circumstances, I think it’s your attitude. And the previous poster talking about being wary of Eastern Europeans had actual direct experience, he wasn’t making some vague stereotype.

How many hours do you work? Can you increase hours, change job, take a course, do a masters, retrain, anything?

Stop seeing some men as beneath you when your personality seems to be nothing more than blonde, blue eyed, slim, drinks and takes drugs. Is there literally nothing else you have to offer?

Edited - a previous poster wrote a few sentences about herself, if I was looking to date her I would have plenty of things to ask to get things started. With you - unless I’m wanting to know where to buy coke, what would I ask?

You say you were a stay at home mum for 20 years. What about before that?

Where are your children? How old are they?

What is your degree in? How long ago was it?

Th

Snap.

I would look to date younger not older though op.

Not saying rule it out, certainly not for casual, but a lot of the late 30s-40s professional crowd in London will be looking to have children. I wouldn't focus on this age group only.

@Waterboatlass lots of men (and women of course) do not want to have children, or already do and don't want more.
It's becoming much more normalised to not want or have children so I wouldn't discount younger men. I'm not saying they are 'better' but women are always told to date older when in real life a lot of my female friends have settled down with younger men and they have lovely relationships.

I am from London- I know how expensive it is. But I also earn more than my husband and pay my own way. I certainly wouldn’t expect a man to pay for me if I met him at 50, had no children with him and no commitment (and there is no one who will be committed to you from the outset). Why is it the responsibility of a hypothetical man (who you haven’t even met but are actively seeking) to be the ‘main earner’?

Fair point!

I left my ex when I was 60 and have since then had a relationship for 2years and now for four months with lovely men I met through mutual sporting interests-the first was 7 years younger and the latest is 6 years younger.
‘In the wild’ age is irrelevant - only online fo people filter that way. I get lots of make attention in RL - never would have even seen my profile online.