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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does your partner mind you going out?

178 replies

Emeraldiisland · 30/08/2024 01:37

I very rarely go out on my own. This will be the first time since having DS. I have been invited to an ex colleague's birthday party on Saturday.
I checked DH was free to look after DS and everything was good. Except since then he's made a few comments about me going out. I even caught him moaning to his mum yesterday.
He doesn't go out loads either but has been out more than me since having DS and I never complain about it.
I asked him if it was because he sees it as his money as I'm currently carer to DS so not bringing in any money but he denied that. However he's still making me feel like I shouldn't go out and keeps asking what time I'll be home at and telling me not to drink too much and checking exactly who's going, all things that I never say to him.
Part of me is tempted to cancel Saturday but I know I'll regret it if I do. I just need to find a way to get DH to stop nagging me. Does your partner /husband make you feel guilty if you want to go out? If so how do you deal with it?

OP posts:
HazelPlayer · 30/08/2024 01:44

No.

The opposite.

I've only had one partner like that, the relationship ended. Men like that are not right in the head.

It is not ok behaviour, ever.

(Also It doesn't matter who's earning the money outside the home, you're working in the home. That work is worth money. See how much a daycare and cleaner etc will cost).

He goes out and doesn't get questioned, nagged, moaned at, moaned about to your parents, or have parameters set, So you do too. End of story.

Oh and even if chose not to go out, that would be his choice, it wouldn't mean his partner shouldn't.

HazelPlayer · 30/08/2024 01:46

Part of me is tempted to cancel Saturday

Do not ever do that.

Duckingella · 30/08/2024 01:49

You are an adult not a child and he is your partner not your father/keeper.

You need to nip this in the bud right now.

You need to tell him straight up that you can go out,you do not need his permission and he doesn't have the right to dictate how you behave or who you're out with.You're also be home when you're home and you won't be taking over parenting as soon as you get home.

I'd chuck in phrases such as coercive control and financial abuse as well.

If you let him ruin your night out and start modifying your behaviour because of him you'll set a precedent for the rest of your life.

HazelPlayer · 30/08/2024 01:50

If you're interested, the man I was involved with who behaved like that (though he tried to make it "equal" by not going out alone himself, which was just a manipulation tactic, plus he had no friends or acquaintances really to go out with anyway) still appeared to be single years later.

And I was his fifth failed relationship in a row.

Angelsrose · 30/08/2024 01:50

Don't cancel your night out! Enjoy yourself. Your husband has no reason to complain unless he is trying to attempt to become abusive.

HazelPlayer · 30/08/2024 01:51

coercive control

Yep.

This is actually coercive control - which is legally a crime now, I believe.

Just for perspective.

Messen · 30/08/2024 01:54

Are you serious?

this is 2024, not 1824.

You don’t respond with anything when he comes out with that nonsense, just a vague “oh yeah, haha, see you later”. And then turn your phone off otherwise he’ll be ringing every 5 minutes to check where the bottles are/ whether he should come and pick you up/ just to check about some other pointless nonsense.

OfficerChurlish · 30/08/2024 02:03

We generally check with each other before making commitments to make sure someone's around for children just as you did (although ours are older - youngest is 8 now) and also log them on a shared calendar so no one forgets.

I don't understand why he's complaining to his mum - did you hear what he said the problem is? If he's normally a reasonable partner and treats you as an equal, remind him he said he had no conflict with your planned outing, and tell him you'll let him know if something changes re when you expect to be home and he needs to stop asking. And cut him off every time he asks after that.

In case he's being like this because he's worried about being alone with the baby - remember that he has equal responsibility for his child and although you're naturally doing most of the daytime childcare right now as you're currently the main carer, he absolutely has to be comfortable parenting on his own too.

M103 · 30/08/2024 02:22

Oh no, this is not normal. Sounds a bit controlling tbh.

Worldofflowers · 30/08/2024 07:21

Please don't cancel your night out. If you do then you will be setting a pattern for the future of your marriage.

You deserve time to yourself to enjoy yourself. And it's important to keep up your friendships and social interactions.

To give your DH the benefit of the doubt he could be worried about looking after your DS by himself for the first time. But if so the only way to get over it is to actually do it.

If it isn't worry about the practicalities of looking after a baby then his behaviour in trying to prevent you going out is very worrying. And you do need to set a line in the sand that you won't be bullied by him.

CheeseWisely · 30/08/2024 07:26

No, he actively encourages me to go out. Since I had DS 3 months ago I've been to my work's summer dinner and to the cinema twice, and if I'd wanted to go out more than that he'd have been fully supportive of it.

Absolutely do NOT cancel your night out OP.

MsStella · 30/08/2024 07:29

This needs to be nipped in the bud. Tell him you won't tolerate this behaviour. No reassurance that you can behave/not drink too much/stay out too late.
I'd also be disappointed if his mother didn't also put him straight when he was moaning to her.

If my son did this I'd definitely tell him he's putting his relationship at risk with this attitude and his wife deserves to go out and enjoy herself and she'd think much more of him if he fully supported this.

FrenchandSaunders · 30/08/2024 07:32

What was his mums response OP?

Def don’t cancel, he sounds controlling and it will get worse unless you stick to your guns. Absolutely nothing wrong with going out, he should be encouraging you to see friends and enjoy yourself.

RareCheese · 30/08/2024 07:33

Tell him you won’t tolerate this. That the only reason you checked with him first was so that you knew he was able to look after your child, not for ‘permission’. You’re an adult who needs a social life.

And no, if anyone I’d ever gone out with for five minutes had behaved like this, I’d have binned him sharpish. I went to NY for five days with a friend when DS was very small, and DH was nothing but happy I was having fun.

MayaPinion · 30/08/2024 07:38

Mine gives me a lift and normally picks up my friends on the way! Of course he doesn’t mind me going out. He appreciates that I have friends and a social life. Nip this in the bud and be assertive about it. It’s not his right to tell you when you can and can’t go out, or with whom. That’s not his job. And don’t look at your phone every 5 minutes when you’re out either. There’s enough stories on here of women going out and men texting and calling to get them home asap on some pretext or another.

Coz97 · 30/08/2024 07:40

No.

You have every right to go out. You should let him know that you are your own person and you're allowed to make plans and he shouldn't make you feel guilty for that.

He sounds a bit controlling, and that would worry me..

HazelPlayer · 30/08/2024 07:45

Noticing your username, I'm wondering if you're both Irish (or NI).

There is a proportion of men in this region who are hanging on very happily to pre 1950s gender attitudes and values.

Chauvinism and double standards are alive and well.

And is also why he feels free to bitch to his mother and not be told to wise the fuck up.

The extreme man I mentioned above is from a rural, very parochial area.

However when I mentioned his behaviour to others here, including men, there attitude was generally disgust and "get rid", "unworkable" "he's controlling".

You will have to take a strong stance here or you are in for an unequal and unfair relationship ongoing.

Spomb · 30/08/2024 07:48

No, mine actively encourages me to go out. He doesn’t check up on me when I’m out. He always tells me to enjoy myself and gets up with our child to give me a lie in the morning after.

Do not pander to him, he sounds controlling and this will only get worse. Nip it in the bud now.

Willoo · 30/08/2024 07:50

My DH never makes me feel guilty about going out and rightly so. He wouldn’t be my DH if he did

Original poster
Emeraldiisland · 30/08/2024 07:51

He says he's just worried about me and worried that I'll copy my friend's behaviour (most of them are single and flirt quite a bit). I told him I wasn't a sheep and perfectly capable of not flirting but he didn't seem to believe me.
I don't usually get on with MIL but even she told DH I was entitled to a night out and reminded him that he'd been out with his friends too. There was more to the conversation that I didn't hear because I was making tea bui she doesn't seem to have changed his mind.
I don't want to cancel tomorrow night but I can't help worried DH will hold this night out against me for the rest of the weekend.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 30/08/2024 07:53

Was he like this before you had a child? Does he see you as his property someone he can tell what to do?
Does he feel because he doesn't enjoy going out you shouldn't either?

When you have children obviously priorities change so canning it every weekend is out the window. But you should both be able to enjoy some social time away from your family.

I'd be really pissed off with the guilt trip and fuming about the crying to mummy.

I'd have a word and tell him to pack it in.

HazelPlayer · 30/08/2024 07:54

I told him I wasn't a sheep and perfectly capable of not flirting but he didn't seem to believe me.

Towards someone who I'm guessing hasnt cheated his attitude is very unhealthy and extremely unfair to you.

That's his issue, not yours. You shouldn't have to limit your life and have unequal rights in a relationship because of his issue.

He gets trusted to go out socially and not cheat or flirt; so you do too; or -;to be blunt - you don't have a functioning, decent relationship.

KimKardashiansLostEarring · 30/08/2024 07:54

No. We’re other end of the spectrum where we barely see each other as one of us is always out (mon and Tues hobbies, weds, Thurs and sat work. So that leaves Friday and Sunday for social) and the other one has to be home for the kids. Not ideal either!

HazelPlayer · 30/08/2024 07:56

I don't usually get on with MIL but even she told DH I was entitled to a night out and reminded him that he'd been out with his friends too.

Unexpected hooray for MIL.

RootToVictory · 30/08/2024 07:56

He sounds abusive.

Don’t cancel your night out. Do have a think about whether this is how you want to live.