Does your partner mind you going out?

[Emeraldiisland]

I very rarely go out on my own. This will be the first time since having DS. I have been invited to an ex colleague's birthday party on Saturday.
I checked DH was free to look after DS and everything was good. Except since then he's made a few comments about me going out. I even caught him moaning to his mum yesterday.
He doesn't go out loads either but has been out more than me since having DS and I never complain about it.
I asked him if it was because he sees it as his money as I'm currently carer to DS so not bringing in any money but he denied that. However he's still making me feel like I shouldn't go out and keeps asking what time I'll be home at and telling me not to drink too much and checking exactly who's going, all things that I never say to him.
Part of me is tempted to cancel Saturday but I know I'll regret it if I do. I just need to find a way to get DH to stop nagging me. Does your partner /husband make you feel guilty if you want to go out? If so how do you deal with it?

As an Irish person who spent twenty years living in different parts of England, can I point out that chauvinism isn’t a national characteristic, and neither is it more marked in Irish men, rural or urban, than their English counterparts? As the OP clarifies down the thread, neither she nor her husband are Irish. You’ve invented a fairly offensive scenario.

So it sounds like you've been together for a long time. He's probably quite confident he'll "get away " with this behaviour. I left my ex husband in the middle of one of his regular 4 day sulks. He was genuinely devastated but I was done.

Your husband needs to realise that, actually, he may not be good enough for you.

for me this would be a make or break moment. If he can’t let you go out ONCE without nagging you before, ringing you during or giving you the cold shoulder after then I would be seriously considering leaving the relationship.
it sounds dramatic but if he gets his way you will never go out again. That is no way to live. If he stops you going “out” then next step is to restrict your daytime movements, keeping you home entirely. It’s creepy and wrong.

What kind of child-brained adult doesn’t like their partner going out to have a social life and see friends…

I personally don’t have experience of this but do see it on mumsnet often and find it shocking/unhealthy. I don’t go out often, maybe twice a year, but my husband has never been weird about it. Yes he’s British.

your DH needs to get some therapy at this rate, it’s normal for your partner to go out and do social things independently… unless he thinks women should remain in the kitchen?

Gosh. The more adult would be getting you tea with giving you time time get ready and telling you to have a fabulous time.
This really isn't OK.

No, DH has been trying to get me to go out since DD was born so I can have some time to myself.

Tbh we rarely go out separately anyway even prior to DD. But no he wouldn’t stop me, he’d give me a lift!

Yours sounds very controlling, do not cancel!!

I’d be going out and not coming back.

No, my DH is not like that at all. There are so many red flags here @Emeraldiisland. sulking, controlling, not wanting to upset him. It might not be at the extreme end but it is a level of emotional abuse.

You are worth more than that. Get yourself in to a position where you are not financially dependent on him. This won’t end well.

Never in 34 years has dh ever objected to me going out, and I used to be quite a party girl in my 20s and 30s.
He always tells me to have a good time and will pick me up if I want him to.

Op do not cancel your night and fdont put up with all the inevitable questions he will come out with. As others have said its all about control. How dare he!! Definitely do not reassure him that you won't drink or come home late.How dare he moan to his mum. He is either controlling or a man child that can't cope. Neither is a good look on a man.😤
Just remember he goes out with his friends! The bloody hypocrite! Do as I say, not what I do springs to mind!

Go out have fun, put your phone on silent so he can't 'check in with you to make sure you're safe' every 20 minutes.

Also arrange your next night out. To me it was important to have something to look forward to when the children were very young. I'm not saying every week but it was great to have plans with my friends and have something to look forward to.
If he doesn't speak to you for the rest of the weekend, well you'll have a quiet weekend.
Men like this really piss me off

Yep, controlling and doesn't want the aggro of looking after his own child. I bet you tiptoe around him a lot.
Go out and have a lovely time.
If he says 'well what if he misses you' the answer is 'it won't kill him' because it literally won't, no child on earth has been irreparably damaged from missing their primary caregiver for the occasional night out.
Personally I think this is a massive red flag for controlling behaviour and you need to be reassessing the relationship as a whole, but in pursuit of you having a night out that you'll enjoy, I'd be going for the 'kill him with kindness' route.

'What if he plays up/misses you'
'Well, he might cry and get upset but that's normal isn't it, it's nothing to be concerned or ring me about, you are his dad so you'll just just reassure him - if he won't settle you'll just need to figure it our, just like if I ever got taken ill - you'll do a great job, don't worry'

Maybe even grey rock 'you'll do a great job, don't worry'
The problem is with these men is that they need PRACTICE to get better at parenting yet they want to just AVOID it instead.

Do not cancel. That's what he wants you to do. He's being a pathetic, sulky man child. I went on a 2 night hen weekend when dc1 was 4 months old. Dh looked after ds in his own, no issues. Since then, I've been on countless hen parties between 2-4 nights and Weekends away, dh has always just waved me off happily and said, "Enjoy yourself". The dc have been various ages, 2&4, 6&8 etc. I go out a few times a year and dh picks me up from town or the train station. I do the same for him. Biggest thing here, is we trust and respect each other.

No - the opposite! But then again I can rarely be bothered to go out so I think he just appreciates a night of peace and quiet when I do 😂

But to go slightly against the grain of previous comments, he doesn't sound massively controlling (unless he has form for this behaviour) - is it just that he's not comfortable with the baby on his own? Sounds like he was ok in the beginning but maybe started panicking as the time has come closer?

Anyway, whatever the case, it's tough. Go out, have fun and don't be checking your phone all night!

DH is now in a mood and said so you don't want to know if DS is sad/missing you /won't settle

Pure manipulation.

is it just that he's not comfortable with the baby on his own?

When will people ever read threads?

He's said he thinks she flirt etc. and the friends are a bad influence.

Sorry just read your update @Emeraldiisland

I got a warning off DH that he'll call me if he needs to. I told him I won't be able to hear my phone and he should be able to cope for one night. DH is now in a mood and said so you don't want to know if DS is sad/missing you /won't settle.

WTAF. Emotional blackmail.

I would say "No, I absolutely do not want or need to know that information. Same as you wouldn't want me ringing you at work / when you're at the pub to tell you that the baby won't settle. Leave me alone to enjoy my one night out'

And then I would seriously rethink my relationship. Because if you're genuinely worried you'll "upset" him by going out with your friends then doesn't really bode well for a healthy marriage does it?

I’ve got two kids under 4 and have been out the last two nights in a row. I hardly go out, but two things popped up. My husband didn’t give a shit, he put the kids to bed and I enjoyed myself.
no guilt, no moaning. I think that’s pretty normal isn’t it? I also don’t care when he goes out.
its healthy to have your own life

As a Northern Irish person who's lived in NI, England (and four other countries), and had relationship with a man in Ireland ... I maintain that chauvinism & double standards are alive & kicking among swathes of people in NI & Ireland.

I did not say it was everyone in NI & Ireland and I did not say there are not similar people in other countries.

Read and digest the full post.

In any case it's irrelevant to the thread now the op has established they're not Irish in spite of the username.

He is controlling and abusive. Do not minimise his piss poor behaviour.

It's nearly laughable that he can insult you and raise himself up in comparison without batting an eyelid.

Because that's exactly what he's doing when he says he can go out on his own and not flirt or act inappropriately..... But you cannot. That literally means "I am more trustworthy, have higher morals, and an more sensible than you are. I can be trusted but you cannot".

(Funny that because that's not my general experience of the male population, that they're more moral or sensible or trustworthy than females. At best they're not any better, at worst, they're a lot worse and steeped in toxic masculinity).

In any case, he has no evidence that you are morally inferior to him (or less sensible or self respecting), but confidently states that you are.

Quite the insult.

Do not cancel the night out because you’re worried he’ll hold it against you.

you will just be avoiding the real issue of your partner being a controlling pig and missing out on fun and a catch up with friends.

you are your own independent, individual person. You are not just a mum, you are not just a partner and you are definitely not his possession to dictate to where you go and when.

using the excuse he’s worried you’ll act like your friends is a load of crap. If you went to visit a bunch of serial killers in jail would he be worried you’d turn in to one, no he wouldn’t. The fact is he is controlling and doesn’t want you out enjoying yourself and socialising.

it doesn’t matter if you aren’t currently bringing in money because you are providing the care for your shared son. If you were to be at work earning money you would just be using it to pay someone else to care for your son so you could work. Having a family is a joint thing and someone has to be the one caring for the child, that doesn’t mean that you have to be controlled and told what to do.

No my DH doesn’t mind in the slightest as there is no reason to mind. If he did there would be very serious words as I find the concept of this to be very controlling and I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship like that and would be making that very clear.

When you are out mute your phone and don’t check it. You will be inundated with messages that are grumpy and sulky asking where X is or moaning about how DC isn’t playing ball with bedtime or whatever.

it’s a very common thing that happens and if you see these messages while out it will either ruin your evening Because your mind will be elsewhere, or you will be tempted to go home to help him with whatever minor issue he is making a mountain out of.

enjoy your evening on Saturday

This is not good…he’s using your child to try to guilt trip you into doing what he wants. It’s very manipulative.

Dh and I will ask each other if the other has anything on before making plans. If he's going on a night out I tell him to have fun and not get too drunk (hangovers in your 40s are bad apparently) If I go out with friends he tells me to have a good time and will see me when I'm home.
Your dh doesn't sound very nice why shouldn't you get to go out and have some you time.

Every time you post it gets worse :/ he's using emotional manipulation to control you, please don't let him! Go on your night out, turn your phone off, stay at a pal's. He's a grown man, I'm sure he can manage looking after his own bloody child for one night without you.

The sulking, being moody and unpleasant, using your child against you. It's coercive control and it's a dangerous stepping stone that almost always escalates. I know everyone likes to throw around LTB at the smallest slight on here, but I'd really be considering my relationship with someone who thought he had a right to dictate my life to me like this. Genuinely.

Please don't cancel your night out, go have fun.

(Also glad MIL seems to be on your side and isn't pandering to her son's ridiculous behaviour, nice to see on her amidst all the tales of mental MILs.)

No DH encourages me to go out and see friends. Go out, everyone needs relationships outside the family home. If he holds it against you I'd be ending the relationship.