Does your partner mind you going out?

[Emeraldiisland]

I very rarely go out on my own. This will be the first time since having DS. I have been invited to an ex colleague's birthday party on Saturday.
I checked DH was free to look after DS and everything was good. Except since then he's made a few comments about me going out. I even caught him moaning to his mum yesterday.
He doesn't go out loads either but has been out more than me since having DS and I never complain about it.
I asked him if it was because he sees it as his money as I'm currently carer to DS so not bringing in any money but he denied that. However he's still making me feel like I shouldn't go out and keeps asking what time I'll be home at and telling me not to drink too much and checking exactly who's going, all things that I never say to him.
Part of me is tempted to cancel Saturday but I know I'll regret it if I do. I just need to find a way to get DH to stop nagging me. Does your partner /husband make you feel guilty if you want to go out? If so how do you deal with it?

I never said I didn't trust him. Posters were asking me if it was possible he was cheating so I was just explaining it's highly unlikely..
Saturday night was my first night out in over two years so to go from that to twice in a couple of months is unreasonable.

He's conditioning you to not go out because of his unreasonable jealous controlling reactions. If he'd been nice about it then would you want to go out again for Halloween? It's in two months. It's not excessive going out.

Do you want to stay married to someone who acts like this?

Sorry, I meant:

Why would he want to be with someone he doesn't trust?

Why would YOU want to be with someone who doesn't trust you ?

If DH consistently didn't trust me, I'd consider the relationship unsalvageable. Trust is a basic in relationships and without it, it's pointless.

But of course, the point is that it's not that he doesn't trust you. It's that he wants to control you. So much so that you're already considernig that going out in another 2 months is "going out too much". I routinely go out, without DH, 3-4 x a month. Neither of us thinks anything of that. In addition, I spend loads of time separate to him - eg going to the gym alone or walking the dog with a friend or whatever.

I haven't told him they invited me out for Halloween drinks though. I'm not sure I'll go to that though, I don't want to get in to the habit of going out loads.

I'm quite speechless. It's 2 months till Halloween!!

Please, I urge you, do go. And go out at least once or twice before then. The way he is trying to curtail your ability to enjoy time with your friends is deeply concerning.

If you don't put your foot down and establish a pattern of normal social actions, he will continue to chip away at you until you feel so small that you'll convince yourself that you and your needs don't matter.

At that point he'll start to really ramp up the abuse. He will trap you in a life full of restrictions, admonishments and daily put-downs where you won't have any autonomy at all.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft - free pdf online. Do the Freedom Programme. Work on your financial independence. Aim to be in a position of independence and strength.

Oh my god. First time in two YEARS?

I thought you were going to say you had a 4 month old baby or something.

Honestly I don't think it's healthy to never go out (or go out that rarely).

Fwiw my husband has always enthusiastically encouraged me to go out. I go out to my hobby or to see friends at least once a week.

Halloween is 2 MONTHS away - it’s hardly going out loads is it?

Sorry just seen this pointing out same time frame - I’m worried about you OP, this is coercive and he’s got you buying into his insecurities. Please contact Women’s Aid x

And he's saying things like well I'm glad you had a good time, I was stuck at home!

Bloody hell OP. You said he went out himself. What the actual fuck? You go out for the first time in TWO YEARS and he acts like this - now you’re afraid to push your luck by going out in 2 months time.

He’s controlling you through his moods and bad behaviour in the run up, while you’re out and when you return - ffs you were back by 11!!! It’s hardly rocking up at 2am or pulling an all-nighter!

How often does he go out and for how long?

Does this neanderthal wanker have any concept of hypocrisy AT ALL?!!

I'm furious on your behalf. You need to get angry yourself and make this more of an equal relationship. If you’re only allowed out once every couple of years same applies to him - how could he possibly argue it wouldn’t?

And he’s admitting he’s incapable of looking after his own 2 year old for a few hours? - let him think over how much of a pathetic loser that makes him look.

Seething over men like this.

edited for typos

but I showed him photos from Saturday that my friends had taken and I think he believes me now.

That is not healthy.

Halloween is months away. You are already restricting yourself this much?

Exactly.

That's not "going out loads".

Saturday night was my first night out in over two years so to go from that to twice in a couple of months is unreasonable

How many times did he go out during the over two years?

Why would it be unreasonable, would it not be making up for how long you didn't go out?!

Anyway your child is older so of course it's more feasible to go out more regularly.

I think this man has you heard he wants you op. He's got you well trained/conditioned.

This is not a healthy, fair relationship.

because he's been disgusted by his friend who did this a lot (not friends any longer)

So, at best, he's projecting how his low moral friends acted; onto your friends and you?

He has no right to do that.

Also I wouldn't count expressed disgust/disapproval of cheating as proof of anything.
I've seen several posters on here say they found out their partner, who always expressed disapproval of cheating, had cheated on them and they couldn't get their head around it.

People can be very contrary, it could be a case of "the gentleman doth protest too much", it could he a case of making sure you never question his behaviour because he's emphasised his disapproval of behaviour like that so much.

Sometimes someone who hasn't always acted inappropriately becomes convinced parity/karma will get them and their partner will get caught up in cheating. That's the root of their paranoia.

It's not always straightforward.

For someone whose (ex) mate was a prolific cheater, he's very happy to keep going out on his own ..... But somehow your mates (presumably not ever being proven cheaters) are bad and he doesn't want you going out.

Twice in two months would not be at all unreasonable. Your husband needs to learn and accept that you have every right to go out without him. If you want to change the dynamic, you need to start going out more, and you need to tell him that calling, silent treatment or being off with you won't be accepted. You know now that he has controlling tendencies. You need to stamp them out hard.

So many red flags here OP.

As has already been pointed out, his behaviour is controlling and abusive. You deserve better.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

He’s crossed that line and is actively training you to accept his levels of control. Your future like with him is going to be like this; small and contained within his cage. It’s no life for you or for your child for that matter.

One night out in two years! Yikes, I could never. Still, sounds like it’s how you wanna live so good luck with it.

And go out for those Halloween drinks too. Do not restrict yourself so because of him and his control.

Your man really does want to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making. He won’t change though and over time he will further ramp up the power and control. He’s already doing that.

I would look at his parents op, chances are one of them is controlling too. This is therefore deeply ingrained within his psyche.

This is absolute nonsense and really quite offensive.

I'm Irish and none of my male relatives or friends are chauvanistic. There are some men who are, but they also exist in every other country in the world.

Despite your protestations you are clearly trying to suggest that it's more of an issue in Ireland/NI than it would be elsewhere (otherwise why would you even bring it up?).

All nationalities have their dickheads.

Op do not restrict going out. Halloween is 2 months away, it isn't like you are out every night. His behaviour is controlling, he is controlling you by how he treats you before you go, ringing you when you are out and then how he treats you when you come home.

I go out every month to meet 2 friends for dinner. All Dh says is have a lovely time and when I come back he asks if I want a cup of tea or am I too full from dinner out? Then he listens to me talk about my evening. That is how a healthy relationship works. He has been left behind with a baby and a toddler to put to bed and the reason he can do this easily is because he has always taken part in the bedtime routine so the children settle for him even though I have been a sahm for a long time.

I don't want to get in to the habit of going out loads.
You've been out once in 2 years! Go
out with your friends at Halloween.

Despite your protestations you are clearly trying to suggest that it's more of an issue in Ireland/NI than it would be elsewhere (otherwise why would you even bring it up?).

Nope, I was not saying it's more of an issue than in some other countries, I was saying it's an issue, full stop.

I brought it up because I believed the op was Irish.

I won't be discussing this further, given your tone & language.

(And also the fact that it's been irrelevant since the op's clarification of her nationality and location.
Discussion of Irish and Northern Irish culture is a derail, and best discussed in another thread should someone wish to start one).

No. It’s not even remotely unreasonable, you’re not his prisoner for good sake, you’re a free woman. This is a mad attitude to have. Don’t you want to invest in your friendships a bit? I suspect you’re going to need them for support at some point in the future.

I agree with others, OP. You deserve better than this. You CAN go out more and you should. No one should control you and your actions or make you feel guilty for simply having a nice time!

It definitely is not unreasonable, in a healthy relationship you're allowed to see your friends.

The fact that you feel unable to go out with your friends at all for fear of his reaction, the sulking, little comments, guilt tripping etc. is really worrying.

Don't let him manipulate you into loosing your friends, becoming more isolated and dependent on him.

Nope not at all. My partner loves me going out and having a good time because I’ll come home happy!
My ex used to be similar to your DH. If I wore make up or nice clothes he’d ask who I was trying to impress. Thank god I divorced that loser