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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does your partner mind you going out?

178 replies

Emeraldiisland · 30/08/2024 01:37

I very rarely go out on my own. This will be the first time since having DS. I have been invited to an ex colleague's birthday party on Saturday.
I checked DH was free to look after DS and everything was good. Except since then he's made a few comments about me going out. I even caught him moaning to his mum yesterday.
He doesn't go out loads either but has been out more than me since having DS and I never complain about it.
I asked him if it was because he sees it as his money as I'm currently carer to DS so not bringing in any money but he denied that. However he's still making me feel like I shouldn't go out and keeps asking what time I'll be home at and telling me not to drink too much and checking exactly who's going, all things that I never say to him.
Part of me is tempted to cancel Saturday but I know I'll regret it if I do. I just need to find a way to get DH to stop nagging me. Does your partner /husband make you feel guilty if you want to go out? If so how do you deal with it?

OP posts:
Didimum · 30/08/2024 13:01

OP, please stand up for yourself. This is not OK by any stretch of the imagination and your DH is being an arsehole.

PaminaMozart · 30/08/2024 13:04

I wouldn't say he's usually controlling but he can be quite sulky and unpleasant if I upset him. I generally try to ignore him when he's like this

Do not ignore him, @Emeraldiisland - pull him up on it.

Every
Single
Time

His behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Teacherprebaby · 30/08/2024 13:05

I have a feeling she's going to cancel. I hope I'm wrong.

Dery · 30/08/2024 13:24

Sorry to hear all this, OP. Your DH is abusive. This is abuse. Please do not cancel and stay firm re not answering the phone if you can. You are an individual - not just your child’s mum.

Daleksatemyshed · 30/08/2024 13:30

Of course he's in a mood now @Emeraldiisland , he'd fully intended to call you after a little while and say you need to come home, by saying you won't hear it you've spoilt his plan. He can cope, he's their parent too and just doesn't want you going out full stop. This is a red flag, you married him, you didn't agree to have no life of your own

5128gap · 30/08/2024 13:38

Cancel this and it'll be the last time you go out while you're with him. Because all you will be doing is showing him his behaviour works. So next time he'll do it again. Then you'll decide going out is more trouble than it's worth. The only way to deal with this is very firmly. Tell him where you're going and a rough return time (for safety) and that if that changes you'll message. Tell him what to expect the following day, what time you'll be ready for business as usual, because that concerns him. If money is an issue, agree a rough budget. When you've done all that, if he tries to keep bringing it up tell him there's nothing more to discuss.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 30/08/2024 13:41

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 30/08/2024 12:21

Second, she's been going out on a Sunday recently, which is a work night for me. I struggle to sleep a bit when she's out, and she's been getting in at like 2am

Nicely - that's a you problem, not a her problem. She absolutely should NOT be crashing around the house waking you up, I agree, but the fact that you can't sleep while she's not there is not actually her problem.

It's also very clear that your issues with your partner going out are not in the slightest bit in line with OP\s DH who is worried she'll "flirt" with other men and be "influenced" by her single friends. He's a controlling wanker.

It's basically caused by me lying there anticipating being woken up when she gets back. I have the same problem when the cats still out when I go to bed, I'm waiting to hear her start whinging through the window. Definitely a me issue, the anticipation of not getting any sleep then stops me getting any sleep! But one that is solved by DP staying at her sisters.

And no, nothing like the OPs husbands issues, which are frankly ridiculous. I was trying to show that there can be valid reasons why your partner going out might annoy you, but that his really weren't valid, and then kind of left that bit out of the finished post!

blacksax · 30/08/2024 13:46

Emeraldiisland · 30/08/2024 07:51

He says he's just worried about me and worried that I'll copy my friend's behaviour (most of them are single and flirt quite a bit). I told him I wasn't a sheep and perfectly capable of not flirting but he didn't seem to believe me.
I don't usually get on with MIL but even she told DH I was entitled to a night out and reminded him that he'd been out with his friends too. There was more to the conversation that I didn't hear because I was making tea bui she doesn't seem to have changed his mind.
I don't want to cancel tomorrow night but I can't help worried DH will hold this night out against me for the rest of the weekend.

This is a bit concerning to be honest.

He's not 'worried' about you. This is not coming from a place where he's worried about your safety and wants to look after you. Oh no. Basically, he is telling you that he doesn't trust you, and he's assuming you are going to jump on the first available dick man you come across.

AinmEile · 30/08/2024 13:54

My DH is always happy for me to go out and enjoy myself, as I am for him. I feel this should be the norm.

Original poster
Emeraldiisland · 31/08/2024 23:06

Just wanted to thank everyone for your support. I did go out tonight (just got home). It was really good to have some fun, just worrying about myself.
DH is in a mood with me but I'm ignoring it and going to bed.

OP posts:
Wigtopia · 31/08/2024 23:07

Emeraldiisland · 31/08/2024 23:06

Just wanted to thank everyone for your support. I did go out tonight (just got home). It was really good to have some fun, just worrying about myself.
DH is in a mood with me but I'm ignoring it and going to bed.

Glad you had a good time!

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 31/08/2024 23:11

No, my partner encourages me to go out as he thinks it helps me to go out and see friends.

autienotnaughty · 01/09/2024 06:50

Good for you op. Maybe when his mood improves challenge him on why he feels so strongly that you shouldn't go out and have fun?

Also definitely continue to do it!!

Daleksatemyshed · 01/09/2024 08:29

Glad you had a good night. Hopefully he'll now realise you going out is perfectly normal, if he's still huffy ignore, don't let him make your life smaller

notatinydancer · 01/09/2024 09:37

Emeraldiisland · 31/08/2024 23:06

Just wanted to thank everyone for your support. I did go out tonight (just got home). It was really good to have some fun, just worrying about myself.
DH is in a mood with me but I'm ignoring it and going to bed.

Glad you went out.
Did he try and contact you when you were out ?
Don't let him stop you if you want to go out again.
You said he's in a mood , just to say if it's the silent treatment, that's abusive.

HazelPlayer · 01/09/2024 10:01

Glad you stood up for yourself, enjoyed your evening out, and didn't go along with his coercive control.

The fact that he is trying to use coercive control in your relationship - and has issues with his values and attitude towards women (re. his comments that you will be drawn into flirting like single friends; while somehow he is free to socialise without suspicion & assumptions) is still a problem though.

HazelPlayer · 01/09/2024 10:03

DH is in a mood with me

This is a type of abuse, I'm sorry.

Original poster
Emeraldiisland · 01/09/2024 10:16

I had two missed calls from him while I was out but given I'd already told him I wouldn't hear my phone it was a pointless exercise (though I put it on silent just in case).
That annoyed me more than anything as when I asked why he'd called he said it didn't matter anymore now so now I feel he was just trying to spoil my night.
He's not giving me the silent treatment, he's constantly asking me what I did last night, asking for details, I think he's trying to catch me out (he can't because I'm not hiding anything). And he's saying things like well I'm glad you had a good time, I was stuck at home!
I feel like going out again. He makes me feel so sad sometimes.

OP posts:
whitefiligree · 01/09/2024 10:20

He needs to go to therapy, seriously he does. He has issues and they are not yours to solve nor deal with.

imverynosey · 01/09/2024 10:27

No my partner doesn't mind me going out at all however I am not keen on him going out , whilst this post makes me reflect on my own behaviour, that is his fault due to his own past mistakes....

Kelly51 · 01/09/2024 10:29

Sounds more like he's the cheat and liar, if he's so concerned what you do on a night out.

GinandGingerBeer · 01/09/2024 10:46

Honestly read him the bloody riot act and get this nipped in the bud.
He's doing it so you'll be reluctant to make plans to go out again.
You need friends
They are so important. If he has his way you'll find yourself lonely and isolated down the line with nothing but a miserable man child. These types get worse the older they become.

Daleksatemyshed · 01/09/2024 11:14

So he did try to get you home early by calling you and now he's spoiling your trip out by wanting every detail. I'm sorry Op but people who show this level of distrust are usually up to no good themselves. Time for marriage councelling maybe but only if his abuse doesn't esculate

HazelPlayer · 01/09/2024 11:21

whitefiligree · 01/09/2024 10:20

He needs to go to therapy, seriously he does. He has issues and they are not yours to solve nor deal with.

I agree.

Unfortunately I think these are values issues.

And personality issues - that are rarely solved.

My experience of trying to reason with a man like this was ground hog day. There would be a lessening, only for it to crop up again - quite forcefully.

There was no changing his underlying values and underlying character. They were entrenched.

HazelPlayer · 01/09/2024 11:24

He's not giving me the silent treatment, he's constantly asking me what I did last night, asking for details, I think he's trying to catch me out (he can't because I'm not hiding anything). And he's saying things like well I'm glad you had a good time, I was stuck at home!

This is a type of abuse.

He's not mentally healthy. That's not making an excuse for him.

His hypocrisy, given he expects to go out himself, is massive.

I too would wonder about his own behaviour a bit, given the way his mind works.

Two men out of my Mum's sisters' (4) partners have issues with their wives going out..Over time, growing up - I realised they are both cheaters.