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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does your partner mind you going out?

178 replies

Emeraldiisland · 30/08/2024 01:37

I very rarely go out on my own. This will be the first time since having DS. I have been invited to an ex colleague's birthday party on Saturday.
I checked DH was free to look after DS and everything was good. Except since then he's made a few comments about me going out. I even caught him moaning to his mum yesterday.
He doesn't go out loads either but has been out more than me since having DS and I never complain about it.
I asked him if it was because he sees it as his money as I'm currently carer to DS so not bringing in any money but he denied that. However he's still making me feel like I shouldn't go out and keeps asking what time I'll be home at and telling me not to drink too much and checking exactly who's going, all things that I never say to him.
Part of me is tempted to cancel Saturday but I know I'll regret it if I do. I just need to find a way to get DH to stop nagging me. Does your partner /husband make you feel guilty if you want to go out? If so how do you deal with it?

OP posts:
Bumcake · 30/08/2024 10:09

What a scummy man. He’s already spoiled your night out and you haven’t even gone yet! Fancy saying he’d ring if the child was missing you, what a drip. Was he like this with the older ones?

Middlenamespot · 30/08/2024 10:09

No OP it’s the opposite, we try and make each other go out more often with our friends.

GingerPirate · 30/08/2024 11:03

Your husband sounds controlling.
Make sure there is a way out for you, just in case.

Rory17384949 · 30/08/2024 11:05

Reading all your updates has made me so angry on your behalf OP!
Do not cancel your night out, leave your phone on silent. Your DS will be with his dad who should be able to cope for one evening.

My DH never minds if I go out, in fact he's always saying I should go more often and take more time for myself. I never mind if he goes out either.

Oldfatandfrumpy · 30/08/2024 11:34

Duckingella · 30/08/2024 01:49

You are an adult not a child and he is your partner not your father/keeper.

You need to nip this in the bud right now.

You need to tell him straight up that you can go out,you do not need his permission and he doesn't have the right to dictate how you behave or who you're out with.You're also be home when you're home and you won't be taking over parenting as soon as you get home.

I'd chuck in phrases such as coercive control and financial abuse as well.

If you let him ruin your night out and start modifying your behaviour because of him you'll set a precedent for the rest of your life.

This. Fuck him and all the other arsehole men that seem to immediately starting whining the second their partner decides to have a rare night out (probably because that means actually parenting), but sees no issue with going out themselves

I 100% guarantee that you'll be plagued all night by texts trying to guilt you into going home, so I'd stick my phone on airplane mode for the duration

Oldfatandfrumpy · 30/08/2024 11:39

I wouldn't say he's usually controlling but he can be quite sulky and unpleasant if I upset him. I generally try to ignore him when he's like this but am finding it hard at the moment.
We do have older children too but they are much older and self sufficient so it's just DS he'll be looking after. I got a warning off DH that he'll call me if he needs to. I told him I won't be able to hear my phone and he should be able to cope for one night. DH is now in a mood and said so you don't want to know if DS is sad/missing you /won't settle. I didn't respond but actually I don't want to know.(I know that sounds awful) I want him to deal with it just like I do when he goes o
ut

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Fleur405 · 30/08/2024 11:43

Does your partner /husband make you feel guilty if you want to go out?

umm no because we are both adults who trust each other and want each other to have a balance of family time and me time. My OH encourages me to go out and have fun when I can.

as for all of this stuff about worrying you won’t be able to stop yourself flirting, this is grade A asshole behaviour and you need to tell him to fuck off.

username44416 · 30/08/2024 11:46

If he asks you again for details just say, nothings changed since the last time you asked, if it does I'll let you know. Do not cancel the event. Tell him he's coming across as controlling and needs to stop.

Sixpence39 · 30/08/2024 11:48

No, a real partner should be happy to see you flourishing and having a fulfilled and well rounded life.

Fair enough if one of you is going out every single week and leaving undue childcare responsibilities on the other, but outside of that a healthy amount of time apart should be encouraged!

TheChosenTwo · 30/08/2024 11:54

Have I missed how old the little one is?

Do not cancel your night out. If you’re considering it then there are real problems in your marriage and I mean that seriously. There’s one thing being quietly concerned that it’s your first night out since having the baby and you may end up absolutely bladdered somewhere and struggle to stay safe and get home. Unlikely but it happens.
It’s a completely different thing trying to keep tabs on you and using your baby as emotional manipulation to prevent you from going. Even if he’s not said in so many words “I don’t want you to go”, he’s very much showing this through his actions.

Why is he doing this? Think about it.

BeaRF75 · 30/08/2024 12:04

No. Never. I do lots of things on my own, including holidays, trips to London etc. I am currently having a solo 24 hours away, while he does his own thing. And other times we do stuff together.
It's healthy to do separate things and nobody has the right to stop you going out, OP. You don't need his permission.

DadJoke · 30/08/2024 12:10

Under no circumstances cancel your night out. If you allow his sulking and manipulation to stop you doing what you want now, it will work every time. Never succumb to bad behaviour. Ignore the sulking.

He can look after his own children for one night - he could even have fun with them. Absolutely no whining to you at all.

recoverfromemotionalabuse.com/2020/11/sulking/

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 30/08/2024 12:15

This is classic controlling behaviour. I'm just surprised that you already have DC as I had assumed that it's ramping up now that you have children - which is pretty common.

The fact that he's gone so far as to warn you he is actively planning to ruin your night is a very bad sign. The chances of you getting to this event unless you are absolutely hard-hatted as possible are slim. I'd say there's a pretty good chance he'll suddenly announce he's sick. Or he'll pop out to run some errands and just not get back in time. In addition, he will sabotage things by ensuring that he texts you every time baby cries etc. Most likely, he'll also do his best to ensure baby is unsettled so that when you DO get back, you'll have such a tough time trying to manage an overtired, unhappy baby that you'll decide going out is not worth it anymore.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 30/08/2024 12:16

Oh, and I'm 100% sure this is just the tip of the iceberg. You've already said he regularly sulks. Does he have issues with your friends/family? The things you wear? What you cook for the family? You're not working at the moment but when you do, do you find it verry difficult to talk about colleagues (especially male ones) and/or panic if you're home late (I'm guessing you never do spontaneous post-work drinks?).

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 30/08/2024 12:17

I'm male so will answer this the other way round, as I think that's what you're after.

I've always encouraged DP to get out with her friends. She doesn't do it that often, and I see mine a lot more. It's good for her to get out and see them, and from a more selfish point of view it means the lounge is free for me and DD to watch big loud sci fi films which drive DP nuts.

We did have a minor argument about it last week though, as she felt I was getting annoyed that she was going out quite frequently.

It wasn't the going out itself which annoyed me. It was two other issues.

First, she (and her sister) always wants a lift to wherever she's going, which I'm happy to do. But she's never ready on time. So I'm ready to start my film with DD at 7pm, and at 7:45 I'm still waiting on DP.

Second, she's been going out on a Sunday recently, which is a work night for me. I struggle to sleep a bit when she's out, and she's been getting in at like 2am. At which point she stumbles around a bit, changes into her PJs, buggers off back downstairs to eat whatever monstrosity she's bought from the kebab place, and then comes stumbling back to brush her teeth and come to bed. Which means I'm getting up for work the next morning on about 3 hours sleep.

We've had a chat and have come to some compromises, so the lift is off the table if she's running more than half an hour late, she'll have to get a taxi. And she'll try to kip at her sisters or friends if its going to be a really late one.

So in short - No, don't get annoyed about her going out, can sometimes get annoyed at the faff around going out.

Disturbia81 · 30/08/2024 12:18

God I feel so suffocated reading this. What is wrong with some men that they can't cope with a child on their own or respect their partners need to switch off?
Also sounds like a bit of projecting, what does he get up to on these nights out that he doesn't want you to do?

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 30/08/2024 12:21

Second, she's been going out on a Sunday recently, which is a work night for me. I struggle to sleep a bit when she's out, and she's been getting in at like 2am

Nicely - that's a you problem, not a her problem. She absolutely should NOT be crashing around the house waking you up, I agree, but the fact that you can't sleep while she's not there is not actually her problem.

It's also very clear that your issues with your partner going out are not in the slightest bit in line with OP\s DH who is worried she'll "flirt" with other men and be "influenced" by her single friends. He's a controlling wanker.

sunseaandsoundingoff · 30/08/2024 12:28

Your partner doesn't trust you.
Your partner is guilt tripping you.
Your partner is selfish.
Your partner wants to control you.

OhWell45 · 30/08/2024 12:29

Go out and enjoy yourself. He's trying to manipulate you to say home. You are entitled to a life outside the home. You are entitled to a night out.

If he gives you the silent treatment tomorrow then I'd call him out on it. You are a person in your own right. You need time to be yourself. Not a partner. Not a mum. Not a carer. You need to have time when your not meeting other people's needs or fulfilling responsibilities. Where you are recognised as you and not an extention of other people.

I currently go out alone every 3 months. So 4 times a year. It's not enough.

Kelly51 · 30/08/2024 12:43

I got a warning off DH that he'll call me if he needs to. I told him I won't be able to hear my phone and he should be able to cope for one night. DH is now in a mood and said so you don't want to know if DS is sad/missing you /won't settle.

warned you? aye right, he can fuck off.
I wouldn't miss him and hit the wall here, make it crystal clear that you will not be manipulated and guilted into cancelling your night out.
Ask him how he would like you doing this to him when he goes out.
What age is your DS that he never has him alone?

Kelly51 · 30/08/2024 12:44

to add, I guarantee he'll try calling and guilting you into cutting your night short, so be clear your phone will be OFF.

perfectcolourfound · 30/08/2024 12:47

In the short term - do not cancel going out. He is enitrely in the wrong here, and if you cancel, as well as ruining your night out, it will tell him that he can control you. He'll realise his efforts have worked and will ramp them up. You'll never dare go on a night out again.

Tell him you are going out, you deserve a night out, and you don't know what time you'll be back or how much you'll drink. Tell him he ought to be capable of looking after his child for an evening. Tell him if he trusts you then he won't worry about flirting or anything else. Remind him you aren't his property or his child, and you make your own decisions. Have a brilliant night out, and make sure to get the next one in your diary while you're at it.

In the longer term - do you really want to be with a man who treats you as though you're or a child or his property? With a man who doesn't trust you? With a man who doesn't think you're entitled to have a night out?

HazelPlayer · 30/08/2024 12:55

Also sounds like a bit of projecting, what does he get up to on these nights out that he doesn't want you to do?

Yeah, I was suspicious too.

I have no doubt that if you raise him not trusting you (with no reason) he'll hit you with the controlling man's classic line;

"I trust you, it's other men I don't trust".

That's a favourite.

Well, here's the thing - unless they rape or sexually assault you, or at the very least lunge and plant a kiss on you (none of which would be your fault) you have to actively participate in order to flirt, kiss, have sexual contact etc with another person. Absolutely nothing can happen beyond a civil brush off unless you participate.

Don't doesn't matter one iota that men might assume you're single, or eye you up, or try to flirt, or try to pull you etc etc etc. That's their issue. A short convo (if you even have to have a convo) will deflect them.

You can't not go out, just because men might look at you, or try to flirt etc with you. (If we follow that path to its conclusion we'll be living in a fundamental state, not allowed out anywhere without a chaperone, wearing a burqa, niqab etc.).

Then there's the implication that you are silly, influence-able and lack independence and judgement. Is he projecting? Is he saying you personally are like that (insulting and no doubt unfair)? Or all women are like that (making him a misogynist)?

He's allowed to go out with his mates, right?
At any point women could try to attract their attention, or try to flirt, or chat or whatever. But he's still allowed out. And he doesn't get a warning that he'll be contacted if his child doesn't settle well that evening, or have it implied that he's a bad father if he doesn't want regular updates on how his child has settled, he doesn't get sulks and moods and guilted about it

He's apparently able to not flirt (?) so is he saying he's superior in morals, independence, and judgement to you?

Even being told by his own mother that he's out of order hasn't stopped him with this shit. That's a problem.

ClivetheDestroyer · 30/08/2024 12:57

Er no... why would he??
We have small kids so I'd check he was free as one of us obviously needs to put them to bed and be home, but otherwise of course not!

Teacherprebaby · 30/08/2024 13:01

Emeraldiisland · 30/08/2024 07:51

He says he's just worried about me and worried that I'll copy my friend's behaviour (most of them are single and flirt quite a bit). I told him I wasn't a sheep and perfectly capable of not flirting but he didn't seem to believe me.
I don't usually get on with MIL but even she told DH I was entitled to a night out and reminded him that he'd been out with his friends too. There was more to the conversation that I didn't hear because I was making tea bui she doesn't seem to have changed his mind.
I don't want to cancel tomorrow night but I can't help worried DH will hold this night out against me for the rest of the weekend.

If you cancel, he'll do the same thing for the rest of your life, would you prefer that?