Does your partner mind you going out?

[Emeraldiisland]

I very rarely go out on my own. This will be the first time since having DS. I have been invited to an ex colleague's birthday party on Saturday.
I checked DH was free to look after DS and everything was good. Except since then he's made a few comments about me going out. I even caught him moaning to his mum yesterday.
He doesn't go out loads either but has been out more than me since having DS and I never complain about it.
I asked him if it was because he sees it as his money as I'm currently carer to DS so not bringing in any money but he denied that. However he's still making me feel like I shouldn't go out and keeps asking what time I'll be home at and telling me not to drink too much and checking exactly who's going, all things that I never say to him.
Part of me is tempted to cancel Saturday but I know I'll regret it if I do. I just need to find a way to get DH to stop nagging me. Does your partner /husband make you feel guilty if you want to go out? If so how do you deal with it?

DO NOT CANCEL YOUR NIGHT OUT!

Go out have a few drinks and lots of laughs, everyone deserves a night out once in a while. His own insecurities should not stop you from having a night out with friends.

I go out with friends once every 2/3 months, dh usually drops us both off and picks us up to save us walking or getting taxis home.

Point out to him that behaving as though you need his permission to go out with your friends is a surefire way of making any other man in the world look pretty good by comparison right now?

Yeah, you need to nip this swiftly in the bud. As others have said tell him to wise up, you’re not asking for permission. Don’t tolerate any excuses ‘I’m worried about you’ etc, you are a grown woman who can go out and return home when you please.

My DH will happily drop me off/pick me up and would never suggest I behave in a certain way. He’d be happy with a night in on his own to watch whatever he wants on tv etc.

It is coercive control when someone actively tries to monitor/change your behaviour. He’s acting in a way that suggests he doesn’t trust you which also isn’t healthy.

I don't want to cancel tomorrow night but I can't help worried DH will hold this night out against me for the rest of the weekend

Big red flag waving there OP, does he often 'punish' you with his moods/reactions to perfectly normal things?

He is either worried about being left alone with the baby for the first time or he is controlling. I hope it's the first, he had a baby with you so he needs to learn to after them. Definitely don't cancel.

I don't want to cancel tomorrow night but I can't help worried DH will hold this night out against me for the rest of the weekend.

Not UK be patronising, but - my dear, you're going to need to get a bit of sass and shut him down hard ...and make life less than comfortable if he behaves like that. He should be getting told that therevwill be no negative discussion or criticism or anything like it about your evening out (just like there isn't about his evenings out) or he won't be talking with you, eating either you, having service tasks done by you etc etc.

He might also be pointed at counselling for his issues and controlling behaviour.

What you are describing id actually text book coercive control, which is now a fkg crime

In general I would think seriously about this relationship and would recommend read Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that" and Don Hennessy "how he gets in her head".

They primarily about physical abuse but covers all abuse.

I have the sorry feeling that you'll see your partner in the pages.

He's controlling.

He's said he doesn't trust her not to flirt etc.

That's really shocking and worrying ... both DH and I go out when and where we like, when our DC were younger we would obviously check in to make sure one of us was home but there was no question of 'being allowed' to go out. I was a SAHM for years but all money shared and I didn't have to ask for 'pocket money'. Had weekends away etc as and when we wanted ... currently on a week's holiday on my own - bliss.

Is your DH controlling in other ways?

Yes, this. While he apparently feels sure that here will be no repercussions from you as a result of his attempts to control your social life?

Do not under any circumstances cancel. You will be making a rod for your own back and never go out again, you will be isolated. Just ignore the fool you married.

Don’t you dare cancel.

Tell him that you are going and he is not going to spoil your night out so pack it in.

He’s getting on my nerves and I don’t even know him. You need to get tougher in your relationship.

"Partner" suggests they're not married.

That's really awful of him and needs to be made clear it's not acceptable.
How dare he suggest you can't be trusted going out?!
And no, my husband wouldn't do this. He offers me and my friends a lift.
Don't let him ruin your time with your friends. I've seen this happen before and my poor (ex) friend now has not a single friend in the world.

No, we both go out a lot. Friends are important and babysitters are expensive (we don't have any family).

He’s not upset at the money; he’s upset that the impact of looking after children is now going to affect him and not just you. Some men take the loss of "freedom" very, very personally. After all, how can you be the default parent if you're not physically there? That's not what's supposed to happen! If someone is going out, he’s to tell and you're to ask permission - but you're not supposed to want it if it inconveniences him!

Go, and arrange to go again and stick to it. You don't get to change the situation by acquiescing to it. You have to set his expectations for you by behaving the way you want your life to be.

Do not cancel. This is something that you need to set up now.
Most people are happy for their partners to enjoy their lives and spend time going out.
My dh looks after dc when I go away for the night and even a few days abroad from time to time and is happy to do so.

This is not isolated if you think he will make the rest of the weekend hell for you. You know who he is. He is controlling and unpleasant.

Don't cancel. But do think about what you want going forward. Do you really want your life to be made unhappy if you do something he doesn't approve of? If it was isolated I'd say go and do the exact same to him next time he goes out, for laughs. But there's no laughing about a controlling man.

So you can't be trusted out on your own, you'll forget him and your DC and spend all night flirting. That's so bloody rude Op, you're a grown woman, not some silly girl with no mind of your own. Go see your friends and stop worrying about how he'll react after, worry about why he thinks so little of you

No, he waves me off and tells me to have a lovely time.

My ex partner made it really clear he didn’t approve of me having nights out - even kicked off at me going to my sister hen night.

That relationship was abusive and toxic. Please don’t fall down this rabbit hole of not being able to go out for a night. It’s a few hours away from him. And as for copying your friends, what an idiot thing for him to say.

Just to answer a few things. My username is a nod to my dad who is Irish, DH has no Irish blood at all. He is DH but I put partner just to get a view off different people. And he's no reason to not trust me as I've never cheated on him.
I wouldn't say he's usually controlling but he can be quite sulky and unpleasant if I upset him. I generally try to ignore him when he's like this but am finding it hard at the moment.
We do have older children too but they are much older and self sufficient so it's just DS he'll be looking after. I got a warning off DH that he'll call me if he needs to. I told him I won't be able to hear my phone and he should be able to cope for one night. DH is now in a mood and said so you don't want to know if DS is sad/missing you /won't settle. I didn't respond but actually I don't want to know.(I know that sounds awful) I want him to deal with it just like I do when he goes out.

This.

You aren't a house elf. You are entitled to see your friends. Your dp having 1 on 1 time with his child will be good for both of them. Go and don't give it another thought.

And then arrange to go out without him at least once a month.

I’d seriously consider staying at a friends place, is this possible?

and yes turn off your phone - there is no need for you to know if the baby isn’t settling etc, it’ll just make you feel bad which ie what he is intending.

frankly they both have to just get on with it.

Can you imagine calling your DH when he's on a night out, just to tell him that your child is sad? I doubt it!

He's really pulling out all the stops to try to make you want to cancel, isn't he.

This means you really have to make sure you do go out, because you have to show him his controlling behaviours won't work.

Otherwise he'll only get worse.

so you don't want to know if DS is sad/missing you /won't settle.

He's a nasty bugger. He's trying guilt now.

Can you call out the behaviour? "DH, why are you trying to make me feel bad about going out?" Wait for his response. Mention you don't do this to him and ask if he's anxious, afraid of parenting, or controlling of you. Calmly, be curious. If it would be dangerous for you to do so, don't.

I think staying with any of my friends wouldn't help things. It would probably just cause more of an issue.