My partner thinks I should let him live with me

[Ame1924]

Hi guys, long story short I (29) have a 7 month old baby, me and my partner (30) (babys father) relationship started to go rocky when baby came along. To be honest I got pregnant quite quickly into the relationship.

I've been living with family the whole of my pregnancy and since having my baby. I'm finally moving into my own place with my baby next week and I cant wait!

My (technically ex) partner the child's father seems to already be inviting him self over to "help me out". First off we are not even in a relationship anymore. We have been trying to get on for the baby, and now and then will have a family day out for her. We text regularly. But for me I'm just taking every day as it comes and taking it slow. Plus I don't need help I've done 90% of bringing her up so far on my own

He was very clingy in the relationship mind, would have a hissy fit if I went out with friends etc, he wants me all to myself

I dont want him in my personal space! I've been cramped up in my family's home with a baby and now I'm finally moving onto somthing that is mine and my daughters, I dont want him and his hissy fits disturbing my peace!

I guess this isn't even a question but what do u guys think of this

I personally think he's just trying his best to get out of his mother's house (that's where he lives) and use me for my new home!

Don't let him demand,he can't demand anything! And if he does it's because he knows you will do what he demands,tell him NO and mean it. Sort a permanent arrangement days and times and stick to it,this man is horrible and he's treating you like 💩 and your letting him!

By saying “not yet” you’re conceding that he will have her and are then just negotiating when.

if it’s a day when he is not due to see her you can say “no” rather than “not yet”.

agree the days he will see her then stick to them. If he misses a day don’t let him swap - hold to the routine.

From your response, it seems your instinct is to give him information like he’s a normal person- but he’s not, he’s an abusive stalker. So not “I’m in town shopping with her” - train yourself to delete any information. So “No, we’re out so daughter won’t be available to pick up earlier than x time we agreed.” He doesn’t need to know where you are. get it in writing you are just accommodating what was agreed.

go through cms, not what he can afford this week and he doesn’t give you money directly, you get it to your bank account and there’s a paper trail.

it’ll be hard and he will push back and be upset you aren’t letting him control you. But you can’t let him control you and your dd because in the short term it’s easier.

Sorry yes @crumpet is right - I’d presumed it was a day he was due to see DD and wanted to see her earlier. If it’s not a planned day “no, that doesn’t work for me, she’ll see you on (next planned day)”.

When he messages you like that, just ignore him. You don’t have to respond to every message. You don’t have to agree to anything he wants. You are allowing him to bully you.

Take a huge step back and look after yourself.

Read up on grey rock.

You can ignore his messages.

You could reply "collection is at Xpm from Y"

Maybe you can control this by arranging to drop her off. If he isn’t where he’s supposed to be, you leave with her.

Never tell him where you are or what you’re doing. You can just say ‘out’.

Seriously, a friend’s daughter was in your position. She’s recently been moved to a new area in a hurry , before he’s released from his second jail sentence for stalking and domestic abuse.

Please nip this in the bud now. He can take you to court if he wants to, it won’t help.

@Ame1924 thats why it’s so important to have set days and times.
He doesn’t get to say how much or when he will see her.

You have a baby, she is supposed to be with you most of the time!

You REALLY need to have some agreement in when he’ll have her.
Then you will be able to say NO. And grey rock him.

The issue here is that, just now, when he says Jump, you answer ‘how high’ when it should be a flat NO.

Don't get me wrong he very rarely actually does turn up but it's the fact he doesn't stop harrasing me via phone calls and texts for rest of the day

That is telling you it’s about control, not about the baby.
That is telling you he is abusive and controlling.

Have you thought about Women Aid? You need to learn ways to deal with his constant demands, what is or isn’t suitable requests and how to handle him.

You don't have to answer all of his messages/. If he finishes work early and wants your DD early, just say "No, that doesn't work for me. Let's stick to the agreed time". If he doesn't know where your new place is, I would try and keep it that way. Definitely under no circumstances whatsoever give him your key. He seems t o feel entitled and I would imagine he would make a copy.

Stay strong. It will be harder to backtrack once you've let him across the threshold than to be clear in the beginning.

I do see what everyone is saying. But sometimes just texting him back is easier than my phone buzzing allll bloody day.

200 messages I had the one day, texts, WhatsApps, fb messenger. All because he reallllly wanted to see his daughter, apparently.

He's mentally ill and I honestly wish he would cut my daughter out of his life.

His family are just as deluded aswell.

I've blocked his number many times and his sister (the one who was helping with tye hand overs, so she knew how bad it was) would let him on her phone so he could harras me on there aswell!!

You need to block his number so it doesn't buzz, only allow notifications when he has your daughter.
If he finishes early just say "No, that isn't the schedule" and block until the pre-agreed time.

But I would really go for a court order, so if he doesn't return her on time you have a legal document for the police.

OP - you've posted about him before? The every day thing and demanding after work all sounds familiar. You've had lots of advice. You have to put the boundaries in place. You agree he will pick her up at 5pm and if he calls you earlier, you ignore the call. If he texts to say he's coming, either ignore or simply say, "we're not home. I'll make sure to be back at 17:00 as agreed".

You don't have to listen to his mum and sister either.

You seem to be in this mode where his wants are always considered acceptable. And they're clearly not. Get a friend or family member to help you to manage this. And no matter what you do, never ever respond to his messages immediately but wait at leat 30 minutes so you have time to think.

YOu need to get legal help on getting him a set schedule

I’d tell him you need to do regular times/days for access. If he doesn’t comply then he can take you to court.

I’d report him to HMRC for the cash in hand work too.

He sounds delusional at best - at worst manipulative and narcissistic. I wouldn’t let him over the theshold of your new home.

That’s awful harassment. I think you need police.

Police have been invovled in the past he was charged with harrasment and stalking.. there was no protection for me included in his charge.

I've asked him to take me to court numerous times, and he won't. I'm not sure if it's even somthing I can do, or he has to be the one to do it

Yes I have posted about this situation before, I feel trapped its such a horrible cycle I've been living in for the last few months

You need to call Womens Aid. Because you are in an abusive and frankly dangerous situation and while you're getting lots of good advice and practical solutions, you are so far into the fog of it that you simply can't action anything. From the outside, it's very clear to us - you tell him where and when he can collect your DD and you ignore every other message. IN fact, idealy, you get a parenting app to arrange things so that you can block him on all other chanels.

Please, go speak to actual professionals, in real life.

Ok, this is actually quite different to your first posts. This man isn’t safe. It’s gone beyond any of the first suggestions

Have you been told he has to be allowed access? Why are you allowing him access at all?

Does he know where your new home is?

Block him. Stay blocked. Do not interract with him. Do not engage. Let him worry about contact. It is not for you to facilitate. If he wants contact he can go through court. Go for child maintenance through official channel rather than what he can be bothered with. All contact needs to go through the courts or the child maintenance. If he contacts you, document and go to the police. Repeat. Going through court is your protection. That's not for you to initiate though. That way any contact with your daughter can be potentially supervised.

This man is abusing you. He's using your daughter to abuse you.

Start to see that properly and that you have no obligation to contact him or respond to him. Your only obligation is to cooperate with agencies. Your only responsibility is to look after your daughter - that includes protecting yourself from this man because your daughter needs you to.

you can apply to court for an order which would clarify when he sees her. You might get legal aid because of tge harassment, so it’s worth talking to a solicitor about this. Otherwise you can apply in person. You’ll also have to consider mediation before submitting an application. This might not be suitable because of the harassment.

whatever you decide: block him, start using a parenting app for communication about your dd, offer set times for him to see her, don’t let him in your flat, stop the days out together, keep evidence of everything.

Block him and his whole family. Let him take you to court if he’s bothered. You must see that your own approach isn’t working and you and your daughter are not currently safe. Speak to Women’s Aid IN REAL LIFE and do exactly what they advise - see if their approach to the situation works better. What do you really have to lose at this point by trying it? Report all incidents of stalking and harassment so at least there are records - even if it feels pointless and the police do nothing. It will all be helpful if he ever does take you to court for access. Any access he ever gets should only be court-ordered and in a contact centre - you need to get serious about protecting her, if you can’t see why you also need to protect yourself.

The more you talk, the more I’m thinking you need support.
Women Aid to help you handle him/contact with his child.
Legal support because he is harassing you again and you need more than you going to see the police and then nothing happens.

I have to say I can see why you are thinking of moving away. But as you said, it’s you who will pay the price if being away from your own support network. So I’d try any other avenue before that.

Block him. Contact the police and report him for harassment. Go to Women's Aid and get advice.

Please tell me you haven't given this man your address