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Original poster

My partner thinks I should let him live with me

203 replies

Ame1924 · 29/08/2024 11:39

Hi guys, long story short I (29) have a 7 month old baby, me and my partner (30) (babys father) relationship started to go rocky when baby came along. To be honest I got pregnant quite quickly into the relationship.

I've been living with family the whole of my pregnancy and since having my baby. I'm finally moving into my own place with my baby next week and I cant wait!

My (technically ex) partner the child's father seems to already be inviting him self over to "help me out". First off we are not even in a relationship anymore. We have been trying to get on for the baby, and now and then will have a family day out for her. We text regularly. But for me I'm just taking every day as it comes and taking it slow. Plus I don't need help I've done 90% of bringing her up so far on my own

He was very clingy in the relationship mind, would have a hissy fit if I went out with friends etc, he wants me all to myself

I dont want him in my personal space! I've been cramped up in my family's home with a baby and now I'm finally moving onto somthing that is mine and my daughters, I dont want him and his hissy fits disturbing my peace!

I guess this isn't even a question but what do u guys think of this

I personally think he's just trying his best to get out of his mother's house (that's where he lives) and use me for my new home!

OP posts:
Catoo · 29/08/2024 12:30

It’s a no from me OP.

Absolutely trust your gut here. Make it a boundary that he never comes into your home.

Be clear in your communications.

When he says I’ll come over to help you out you say ‘no thanks. I have all the help I need’. He says ‘I’ll come over and we can watch a film/I’ll cook.’ You say ‘No thanks. I don’t want to do that’. If he turns up don’t let him in. He says, ‘Can I come in?’ you say ‘no, I don’t want that. You need to leave now please’. Don’t make excuses like ‘I’m busy’ as he will ask what with and say he can help. Just say it’s not what you want. If he asks why, you just don’t want that, on repeat.

You know him best. If you know he will push and push then the very next time he mentions it consider a message like this. ‘Thank you for the offer. However, this is my home and, with respect, there is no reason for you to ever come into it. Let’s continue to be good coparents. To be clear, I don’t want you turning up at my home unless we have arranged a specific time for you to do that. Thank you for understanding this’.

When he sees DC arrange drop off / pick up at your family’s house or local cafe etc.

Well done on recognising early that he is going to transgress boundaries/be controlling knowing you will have more freedom.

Enjoy your lovely new home.
💐

Original poster
Ame1924 · 29/08/2024 12:33

The title was a mistake, it's ment to say ex partner

OP posts:
SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 29/08/2024 12:33

I'm also not in a relationship with you, can I move in? If you feel comfortable saying no to me then you should be able to say no to anyone else you aren't in a relationship with too. Be clear that he isn't moving in or using your place as a second home. Don't let it gradually slip either.

ThatTealViewer · 29/08/2024 12:33

Ame1924 · 29/08/2024 12:13

I dont even know, he just keeps making comments like "ill be able to put the baby to bed now" "ill be able to have dinner with the baby" and things like that. He's even gone as far as saying "I can't wait to come home from work to my daughter" it's crazy lol

He also says things like "we will be back together one day," "we will live together as a family one day"

Show quote history

And how are you responding to all this? It appears you didn’t immediately shut it down. Why?

MtClair · 29/08/2024 12:33

Oh you’ll need very firm boundaries with this one!

Say NO.
Dint invite him to your house. Meet up with baby outside of the house.
And I’d start thinking about if and/or when you’ll be happy for him to have baby on his own.

Blue78ivy · 29/08/2024 12:34

Ame1924 · 29/08/2024 12:13

I dont even know, he just keeps making comments like "ill be able to put the baby to bed now" "ill be able to have dinner with the baby" and things like that. He's even gone as far as saying "I can't wait to come home from work to my daughter" it's crazy lol

He also says things like "we will be back together one day," "we will live together as a family one day"

Show quote history

Seems to me that his using your daughter to get to you, his love bombing your daughter to get to stay in Your house saying he will do this and that, he will never help you in the long run just ruin your life set your boundaries now get a relative or your mom to stay in the house with you that will stop him coming in making him feel awkward and uncomfortable

Meadowfinch · 29/08/2024 12:34

Keep saying NO loudly and clearly.

He is your baby's father. He is welcome to see her, care for her, have her over night (bf allowing). Eventually to care for her 50:50 if that is what you both want.

But he is not your partner. Stop calling him that. Stop texting unless it is about your dd. You are setting a false expectation. DO NOT give him a key. The fact that he would have a hissy fit if you went out with friends is a huge red flag.

You need to be clearer with him. Your relationship is over and you will never live together. Start going out with friends. Make it clear to him, now, that he does not have a say.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 29/08/2024 12:35

Every time he makes comments about eating at your house, doing bedtime at your house, getting back together...you need to say "NOPE. That will NOT be happening."

Either he has a thick skin or you are not being clear enough, and either way a loud repeated NOPE will help the situation.

Coconutter24 · 29/08/2024 12:36

Ame1924 · 29/08/2024 12:13

I dont even know, he just keeps making comments like "ill be able to put the baby to bed now" "ill be able to have dinner with the baby" and things like that. He's even gone as far as saying "I can't wait to come home from work to my daughter" it's crazy lol

He also says things like "we will be back together one day," "we will live together as a family one day"

Show quote history

What do you say to him when he says things like these? Do you completely shut it down or do you edge around it so he thinks there’s a chance? It sounds obvious you don’t want him there so make it known he is an ex partner, you won’t be living together and if he wants tea with his baby then he can do that on his contact days at his mums house and whatever you do do not give him a key!

ttcat37 · 29/08/2024 12:37

You either need to say to him “I’ve noticed you keep making reference to being ‘at home’ with the baby. I need to clarify that this will not be your home, you will not be moving in here or staying over here at all.” If you think that there’s potentially a future for you then you can add that, but with the addition of “but you living here with us is not currently what I want”.
If you give him an inch he will take a mile, and next thing he’ll be turning up with groceries to make dinner for you, bringing a bag to get changed, asking to have a shower, offering to sleep there to ‘help out’… next thing he’ll have a drawer of clothes and a toothbrush will appear. Cocklodger in the making

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/08/2024 12:40

OP what do you think he'd say if you said, "I might consider a future relationship but I'd have to see a change in your ability to manage your own shit. Get your own place, live independently, parent really well, be a great support to me"?

Idontjetwashthefucker · 29/08/2024 12:50

Potential cock lodger you've got there OP, what do you say to him in response?

Neveranynamesleft · 29/08/2024 12:56

He is your ex for a reason.
Do not let him move in. Keep his feet well away from under your cosy table. You will have the battle of your life getting him to move out again.

Skyrainlight · 29/08/2024 13:00

Absolutely not, don't let him move in!

Andthereitis · 29/08/2024 13:01

Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 29/08/2024 11:41

Suggest a day he can visit. Have a friend or family member there to get him on his way.... Don't agree to anything you aren't comfortable with.. Your dc doesn't need him around more than they need you to have great mental health..

This is good advice.

And think about how much you text.

Lampzade · 29/08/2024 13:04

Do not let him stay for even one night. In fact , I wouldn’t have him even visit your new accommodation if this is possible
He can see his daughter at his mother’s house .
Stop the family outings, as he is not your family he is your daughter’s father.
He doesn’t want you, he wants free lodging

Mum5net · 29/08/2024 13:09

Did you have the same thread last week?
He doesn’t sound any better. His parents don’t want him for a reason. Please don’t take him or his cat.

Conniebygaslight · 29/08/2024 13:10

Never give him a key....

Original poster
Ame1924 · 29/08/2024 13:11

That conversation has been had before and he have said "but what's the point in me paying rent on a place and you paying rent when you go back to work, I'd rather help you with your rent"

OP posts:
Skibidy · 29/08/2024 13:12

Clear boundaries needed here. No house key. A schedule of when he can come over. No leaving him in your home with baby. do not under any circumstances let him move in. You wont get rid of him. I bet he will have a crisis soon where he’s homeless and needs to move in to be with his child, how could you put him on the street etc

Idontjetwashthefucker · 29/08/2024 13:14

Ame1924 · 29/08/2024 13:11

That conversation has been had before and he have said "but what's the point in me paying rent on a place and you paying rent when you go back to work, I'd rather help you with your rent"

Is he paying rent at his mums though? Does he work?

Regardless, it'd still be a big fat no from me

MrsMoastyToasty · 29/08/2024 13:14

Continue to do the handovers at your relatives house or at a public place.

Original poster
Ame1924 · 29/08/2024 13:16

I've said things like "I don't need any hell I can manage on my own" and I have also literally told him you won't be living with me and he has a hissy fit and tells me how no other man will ever be around his daughter blah blah blah

OP posts:
TransformerZ · 29/08/2024 13:17

Don't even let him into your house.
You can meet up outside.
He's a disgusting user, loser and abuser.
You've done really well that you've seen this side of him and are not desperate for a man.
Don't ruin things for yourself as he continues to badger you and he will - he has nothing and will leach off you.

Original poster
Ame1924 · 29/08/2024 13:17

His muns rent is paid for her as she's unemployed. He's not even ment to be there really.. or should be paying the rent out of his own money

But he does pay towards bills and food yes

OP posts: