My partner thinks I should let him live with me

[Ame1924]

Hi guys, long story short I (29) have a 7 month old baby, me and my partner (30) (babys father) relationship started to go rocky when baby came along. To be honest I got pregnant quite quickly into the relationship.

I've been living with family the whole of my pregnancy and since having my baby. I'm finally moving into my own place with my baby next week and I cant wait!

My (technically ex) partner the child's father seems to already be inviting him self over to "help me out". First off we are not even in a relationship anymore. We have been trying to get on for the baby, and now and then will have a family day out for her. We text regularly. But for me I'm just taking every day as it comes and taking it slow. Plus I don't need help I've done 90% of bringing her up so far on my own

He was very clingy in the relationship mind, would have a hissy fit if I went out with friends etc, he wants me all to myself

I dont want him in my personal space! I've been cramped up in my family's home with a baby and now I'm finally moving onto somthing that is mine and my daughters, I dont want him and his hissy fits disturbing my peace!

I guess this isn't even a question but what do u guys think of this

I personally think he's just trying his best to get out of his mother's house (that's where he lives) and use me for my new home!

Also make sure he does not “help” you to move in. Don’t let him lift a single finger - otherwise he will 💯 use it as emotional blackmail.

Cocklodgers are everywhere .. don't let him in

As above it may affect your benefits !

Now all of a sudden I'm on speaking terms with him again going on family days out every few weeks and it's not even what I want

Family days out? You're giving him mixed messages here. You need to stop that straight away. You can be civil without laughing at his jokes. You can be civil without days out. In fact you shouldn't even go as far as your local shop with him and the baby, because it makes him feel like you're a family.

You have to be clear in your actions as well as your words, that you are NOT a couple and you are NOT a family unit.

Go back to contact through go betweens. Tell your family.

You’ve fallen in to this because it looks like how family should be, but it isn’t. It really isn’t.

Family isn’t about a man trampling over what you want in favour of what he wants.

Op, he is quilting Nd manipulating you. He doesn't ry want to be a family - if he did, he would certainly pay up a bit more. If it's any consolation, this is not a unique situation. There are a surprising number of men who manage to.convince their ex to keep letting them sponge. I know one who still regularly shouts at his ex that SHE broke up their family because she won't let him live with her and the dc (for free, natch). It took her years to realise that actually, no, she was not the bad guy here.

I would suggest not being afraid of going to court and CMS. He won't get much time with such a young child. But you will be able to stop him entering your home. Actually doing hand overs via family members is a good thing.

Ultimately it's probably you he wants to control, and if he can't he might just disappear

He is a manipulative twat.
He is basically love bombing you to re create a false sense if security so you give up and let him.
Sex, a maid, a roof all paid for him. What is there not to like for him??

Please dint let him back.
You need to start saying NO.
You need to go back to the hand over through family.
And you need to have CMS involved with him actually paying what he owes for his child, not just when he feels like it.

You are making it much too easy to him.
And yes I get he is hard work. There is a reason why it feels easier to go with what he wants! But please don’t let him use you like that.
Fir your sake and for your dc’s sake.

Is there anyone in RL you could talk to and could support you kicking him out of your life completely (bar tye necessary hand overs)?

Also anyone that have mentioned child maintenence he works cash in hand (of f*ing course) so nothing can be done!

I really hate who my childs father is and I have to deal eith this for the rest of my life

I even at one point completely blocked him on everything and told him to take me to court. And I soon had his mum and sister messaging me telling me how out of order I am blah blah blah that's another thing he does, anytime me and him have a falling out I get messages off his sister. Not abusive but her defending him basically, telling me he's trying his best to be a good dad and all the usual s*

Oh dear I would block the mum and the sister again!. It gets worse OP!

He sounds worse with every update. I would only offer contact outside my house and always go through your relatives or a contact centre. Also, I wouldn’t go on any more family days out. It will take time for the message to sink in, but hopefully once it does, he’ll lose interest.

Well you chose to have a child with him & so he will be on their lives forever.

Will never understand women having children with men they've only been dating a short while.

You made your bed.

@Biggaybear can you e plain how your post is helpfull to the OP?
If the only thing you have to say is to put someone down, I think you are better staying quiet.

@Ame1924 if CMS can’t help, then don’t go down that route.

But you don’t have to listen to his mum or sister. It’s ok to block them if you wish.

Who was doing the hand over before?

I think you might also want to ask yourself if you can do Wo the ‘help’ he is giving you (or not).
Because I’m not sure that the £120 max he is giving you is worth all the hassle he is giving you.

It’s ok to put boundaries. To block his mum and sister.
It’s ok to ask for someone else to do the hand over.
It’s ok to refuse to talk about anything that isn’t related to your baby.
It’s ok to make it harder work for him to see the baby - not in your house, in a contact centre, whatever works for you. and to limit it in time (he is a baby afterall)
And it’s certainly ok to never go on a day out with him.

Youve done it before. You are a strong woman.
You will be able to do it again.

So I would hand baby over to his mum or sister

Or he would collect off my mum

All depending who was free on the day

His sister got sick lf doing it which is fair enough, she has her own job, kids and life. I think being on standby for pick ups and drop offs was annoying to her

Same with his mum

And my mum works long hours so she hardly really did many hand overs

The people invovled were getting sick of it basically

Might not be helpful to OP but might be to other women in the early stages of pregnancy & wondering whether they should continue with it.

They say a dog is for life & not just for xmas. Even more so with children.

Thee was a poster on here yesterday saying to someone to continue with the pregnancy as the man would come to terms with it eventually and would make the relationship stronger...🙄.

Your comments are really inappropriate on a thread where it's quite obvious the op is vulnerable and in the midst of being abused by the father of her child.
These situations have nuances and no one is interested in hearing

" she's made her bed "

What does that mean anyway, that op deserves to be abused?

Go and make your own thread if you're truly concerned about women being tied to men like this via children.

That’s why it’s important to have set days and times.
For everyone.

Atm it sounds like he is expecting everyone, his mum agd sister, you, your mum to be there hen he feels like it.
Thats not how it works!

Could you organise something with your mum fur example?
Let’s say. He sees baby once a week for half a day on a Saturday. Set times to pick up and drop off.
Or even just you doing that at her house rather than yours.
Thats it.

And once again, how does it help the OP apart from maki g her feel shit?

This thread is about her. Not whoever might read that thread.
If you want to warn women about the danger of having children with twats, start your own thread. Advise women when they have doubts. Support them most of all.
But I can promise you that, regardless who you want to warn, making them feel shit is not the way forward. It never ever helps people making better choices. But rather reinforce what their abusive partner has told them many times. That they are worthless, unable to make simple decisions, let alone really important ones.
And then you think it’s going to help them step back, raise their bar etc?? More likely they’ll give up and stay with them instead. You’ve just pushed them down again afterall.

I have tried this but he demands more than 1 or 2 days a week.. he wants to have her every other day which I personally find hard aswell as every time he has her I'm rushing back from doing whatever I'm doing for the time HE finishes work.. he also finishes work an hour or 2 earlier some days and demands I get back for an earlier time than planned because he finished earlier

He also invites himself to whereever I am.. for instance if its his day to have the baby but I'm food shopping or in the city center shopping, he will say to me "I will come and meet you to get the baby then" when it's MY personal time with her and he wasn't ment to have her until planned time. But because he finished work earlier than planned he thinks it's okay to invade on what I'm doing with her. Instead of waiting until his planned time

I would go to mediation and agree fixed contact. Set times and days. If he doesn't stick to it then refuse contact and get him to talk you to court.

Report to HMRC about his earnings!

What do you mean “he demands?” He doesn’t get to demand anything. He can make requests and you can refuse.

How does he know where you are and what you’re doing?

Could you move away?

Avoid letting him know where you are at all times.

I'm begining to want to move away but then why should I move from my friends and family

And because he will message me somthing like "I've finished work earlier I'll come get the baby now"

I will reply "not yet I'm in town shopping with her"

The he will reply "ill come into town now then and get her"

Don't get me wrong he very rarely actually does turn up but it's the fact he doesn't stop harrasing me via phone calls and texts for rest of the day

He wants to cocklodge and freeload. You are an opportunity. He doesn't care about you or the baby. He will try and control you.

Don't even say you will think about it.