My partner thinks I should let him live with me

[Ame1924]

Hi guys, long story short I (29) have a 7 month old baby, me and my partner (30) (babys father) relationship started to go rocky when baby came along. To be honest I got pregnant quite quickly into the relationship.

I've been living with family the whole of my pregnancy and since having my baby. I'm finally moving into my own place with my baby next week and I cant wait!

My (technically ex) partner the child's father seems to already be inviting him self over to "help me out". First off we are not even in a relationship anymore. We have been trying to get on for the baby, and now and then will have a family day out for her. We text regularly. But for me I'm just taking every day as it comes and taking it slow. Plus I don't need help I've done 90% of bringing her up so far on my own

He was very clingy in the relationship mind, would have a hissy fit if I went out with friends etc, he wants me all to myself

I dont want him in my personal space! I've been cramped up in my family's home with a baby and now I'm finally moving onto somthing that is mine and my daughters, I dont want him and his hissy fits disturbing my peace!

I guess this isn't even a question but what do u guys think of this

I personally think he's just trying his best to get out of his mother's house (that's where he lives) and use me for my new home!

Just to be clear op, he is not clingy, he is controlling.

Throwing hissy fits whe you went out with your pals is what abusive people do. To alienate you from your friends and family (separating you from your support network so they can abuse you). It trains you to go 'if I want peace I have to do what he wants'.

'No other man will be near my daughter' again, controlling. He is telling you you can't date. Tell him to fuck right off with that shit.

Be very clear, in writing (text) that he is not moving in to your home. Ever. If he attempts it - call the police. Seriously.

Infact, I would never let him in your home even to visit. The child visits should be conducted in neutral spaces like cafes.

This is the type of thing I would do. Just to have an idea of what the background is.

However this history is very telling, if police were involved before, why sadly continue this abusive cycle. There will and always becomes a point where the police can no longer do anything, the restraining orders no longer have the desired affect (if they even were a deterrent in the first place). The situation becomes so intolerable and you're desperate to leave or just have a moments peace and he won't allow this.

Why sign up for this type of hell, worse why continue to co-sign your own living cycle of dysfunction and for what; so you can play at "happy families," just to pacify an abuser. You're being given the chance to have a "get out of jail free card," take it why you can.

He's 30, with a dog and a baby. He needs to man the fuck up.

OP that means you have to woman up. Tell him to be a father (and a bloody dog owner) and no he won't be living with you. So he needs a place to live. You keep talking about what he wants, what he thinks, what he believes should happen. You're a mum. Protect your home for you and your child.

OP if this is the case, you need to move all communication with him onto a coparenting app so it is about DC only.

You seem vulnerable to being dragged back into a relationship of sorts with him. You haven’t really addressed any of us who are suggesting/asking about you just saying ‘no, you won’t be living in my house’ to him. Are you scared to say this? Is he saying these things in person or on messages? Please don’t be alone with this man at any time. Don’t arrange child visitation at your home.

Hopefully you have not told him where you will be living but if you have, make sure you set up security such as cctv/ring go at your place before you move in.

Keep saying no and do NOT give him a key

If the stalking thing is real then I would not even tell him where I was moving.

Flipping heck! Just say no. Under no circumstances give him a key

And the bloody dog can stay with him at his mum’s

You need to stop the joking around, it’s confusing this thick bloke.

Tell him he will never see the inside of your new home or be welcome there. If he wants to see DC he needs to set up a regular contact schedule and you will drop them off at his and collect them.

I guess I keep things as nice and civil as I possibly can, as I'm worried about him taking me to court and walking away with more than what he gets with our daughter than he already does now

You think he will spend his money on going to Court and you really think he will care for the child 50/50

if from a previous post he has violent tendencies, the court may well only give supervised short visits...

go and get some advice from Womans 'Aid

OP, I’m fairly sure you know that’s nonsense.

• Not letting someone move in with you isn’t uncivil.
• This man can barely take care of himself. You think he’s going to want more time with your daughter? What would he do with her? Where would he spend it (assuming you don’t go full doormat and let it happen in your home)?
• He was arrested for stalking and harassing you. The fact that your response to that is to debate living with him and be ‘nice’ indicates that you might benefit from some counselling. Is that something that’s available to you?

No, it’s almost the opposite. With him you have potential to be a ‘problem tenant’. Without him, you’re a good bet.

Stay strong. He can’t move in with you unless you let him. He can only insist on contact if he takes you to court. Be reasonable with what you offer and he won’t even try. He may threaten but he won’t actually do anything.

You need support from Women’s Aid because you are being coerced.

What family and friend support do you have? Could you arrange to meet him, with your Dad with you, and say ‘this is what it is, you aren’t moving in, ever. You can see baby on night x for y hours.’

Is he on the birth certificate?

Unfor he is on the birth certificate yes. I feel like I've signed my daughters life over to this absolute mess of a man

I feel trapped with him, and I'm nit even in a relationship with him. I think it's got the the point where I'm not actually as string as I think and I'm kind of accepting that this is my life now and I will just do as he says for an easier life

It was only 2 months ago I was feeling strong. we were doing the hand overs threw family and I was having no contact with him at all, and slowly I've been sucked back in and I don't even remember how, that's the crazy part

Now all of a sudden I'm on speaking terms with him again going on family days out every few weeks and it's not even what I want!

I dont want a relationship with him, I have zero attraction to him anymore

Op I'm worried for you reading thus. He sounds bullying and ..its a form of controlling and nasty behaviour to be so pushy and not listen. He is trying to bulldoze and manipulate his way in here

Do you have a strong relative who could sit with you in a conversation where yiu state very clearly that he is not staying with you ever?
You need to stop the family days out and get him on a clear visiting and co parent schedule which does not include him ever crossing your doorstep

You need to put your foot down,talk when you need to (only about child),stop going out on days out as I think he's taking it that there's hope,tell him that he will not be moving in(infact I wouldn't give him the address),meet somewhere to do handover,if you handover at your house are you strong enough not to let him in? X

This is what men like.this do... they sneak in and push small little things until.one day you realise they have created a massive hole in your protective wall.

Boundaries are for you, not him. Ie, you tell.him that he will NOT be moving in or spending time in your home. When he brings it up, you say, "no, that's not happening" and walk away. Make arrangements re child contact formal and stick to them.

Also do not worry about court. He's barely around and doesn't have a stable living situation. No court is going to award him notably more access.

I hope he is contributing financially?

We decided he should gove £50 a week. He contributes when he has it, some weeks I get £50, some weeks I get nothing.. some weeks I'll get £30 as he didn't have the extra £20 on him at the time and he promises to give it to me in a day or to and that never happens. some weeks I get £0

“ relationship started to go rocky when baby came along”

“He was very clingy in the relationship mind, would have a hissy fit if I went out with friends etc, he wants me all to myself”

Huge 🚩 🚩 all over this

say “no”
keep saying it.

Even though he won’t be moving in you must get your boundaries well established NOW or you will have him “popping over” unannounced, “being too late to get home” etc

If he gets nasty go no contact except for one email account to make arrangements to see your child. Be prepared because that could very well be where this is heading.

Get CMS involved immediately.
Let them do the leg work.
He can’t just not pay - your baby still has to eat!

OP, you’re clearly feeling a bit overwhelmed, so I’m just going to ask you to do one thing. Contact Women’s Aid. You are deep in an abusive relationship.

Get back to doing handovers through family.

Do NOT under any circumstances have family days out with this man.

Have you been in touch with Women’s Aid?

This is a short term battle you need to fight for the sake of the long term.

make it very clear what the arrangement will be BEFORE you move in.

stop the “family” days out. They are not necessary for your daughter. They are not necessary for you. Stop them.

if he wants to do bathtime you can take her over to your mums ir his mums for him to do tea and a bath. He doesn’t need to come to yours.

don’t let the dog anywhere near your place. Inch by inch he is trying to engineer a situation where he moves in. Hold firm. Short term it will be a pain. Look ahead to how you want your life to be long term.

Go to CMS it will very much put everything on a more formal setting.

No more days out, he doesn't step inside your parents or your new home.

He collects and delivers child back on whatever contact schedule is currently agreed.

THIS.

I’m very concerned about you, OP, you are in an abusive relationship right now. You are doing things you don’t want to do and you don’t know how or why it happened.

Your dealings with this man whole thing MUST be put on a formal footing immediately.

phone Women’s Aid.
Contact CMS. Get him paying support.
Do not let him set foot inside your home.
Do not let him set foot inside your mother’s home.
No more “family days out”.
Set out your boundaries and then please STAND YOUR GROUND. He will test them, try to push you to move them.

seriously consider going “no contact” except for one email account to make arrangements for your child.