My partner thinks I should let him live with me

[Ame1924]

Hi guys, long story short I (29) have a 7 month old baby, me and my partner (30) (babys father) relationship started to go rocky when baby came along. To be honest I got pregnant quite quickly into the relationship.

I've been living with family the whole of my pregnancy and since having my baby. I'm finally moving into my own place with my baby next week and I cant wait!

My (technically ex) partner the child's father seems to already be inviting him self over to "help me out". First off we are not even in a relationship anymore. We have been trying to get on for the baby, and now and then will have a family day out for her. We text regularly. But for me I'm just taking every day as it comes and taking it slow. Plus I don't need help I've done 90% of bringing her up so far on my own

He was very clingy in the relationship mind, would have a hissy fit if I went out with friends etc, he wants me all to myself

I dont want him in my personal space! I've been cramped up in my family's home with a baby and now I'm finally moving onto somthing that is mine and my daughters, I dont want him and his hissy fits disturbing my peace!

I guess this isn't even a question but what do u guys think of this

I personally think he's just trying his best to get out of his mother's house (that's where he lives) and use me for my new home!

No I'm definitely bit sleeping with him I couldn't think of anything worse.

We are bit jn a relationship but we have been trying to get along more recently as a few weeks/months back we altered at war with eachother, we couldn't even do the handover between our selves we had to go threw other family members on his side or mine

Recently we have started getting along better and are now doing the handover between ourselves.. I think he is getting ahead of him self and seems to think because we are now communicating better it seems to mean we are going to get back together.. I've given no reason for him to think this, I'm very blunt if anything

I mean don't get me wrong I might laugh at a joke or 2 that he cracks, but I think I have made it clear that there is no relationship anymore

He isn't unemployed he has a job

And he doesn't want to live in my home and have separate lives. He wants to love in my home and "be a family" with me and his daughter

I still don't want that. I like him kept at a distance

I wouldn't even let him in your home. Some people only hear what they want to hear, even if you think you are being really clear. Arrange a contact schedule where he can take the baby out or to his mums for whatever length of time and frequency feels appropriate and make it very clear you will not be parenting together.

First make sure you don’t ever give him a key. His boundaries are poor.

Work out a reasonable schedule of contact that works for you and the baby, as well as him.

For example twice a week he could come from work to see the baby, give her tea and bath and bed. Then leave. After a few practice runs, you can go out during this time.

He could have her all day Saturday or Sunday. When she’s ready- totally familiar with him, no longer breastfed- she could stay over from Friday after work until Saturday teatime, for example.

Work it out. Tell him. Be prepared to tweak it slightly but emphasise the need to establish a routine that works for nursery/childcare and work.

You reply - We are not a couple, and not in a relationship. I do not want to live with you.

Yes. DO NOT GIVE HIM A KEY. EVER. His track record of ignoring your boundaries will mean you’ll find him/his things in your home.

@Ame1924

just no.

tell him very clearly he is NIT moving in, he will not be putting baby to bed or having dinner, he will NOT be coming 'home' as he will not be moving in.

be VERY clear.

presuming you have more sense than to 'be with him one day'. Tell him clearly this is NOT going to be happening EVER.

if he says about DD not being around another man ever, tell him it's not his decision to make!

if you're breast feeding - keep doing it for as long as possible.

limit his visits as much as you can.

DO NOT allow him to spoil your new place with DD, just the two of you.

Don't allow him any thoughts about a future together!

I’d like to believe it was just an error in the title, OP, but even if it was, it’s a significant typo.

There seem to be too many blurred lines here. Communicate clearly that your relationship is long over, you are merely co-parenting a baby, that he will definitely, under no circumstances, ever find himself living with you as either boyfriend or lodger, and that he doesn’t get to veto your future relationships. Your only ongoing connection will be your child.

Separately I would say that you shouldn’t have a boyfriend in the house with your daughter for a very long time. Years. Men do target women with children in order to access the child. Sad and appalling, but true. Don’t make your baby an easy target by letting men in too soon.

But your ex needs to know you will date but won’t bring them home. That’s all the information he needs or is entitled to.

OP he's a 30 year old grown man who doesn't prioritize having his own home. He clearly doesn't care about potentially jeopardizing his mum's stability. Which means you're just another "hotel" for him to use when it's convenient.

Any man who is controlling and tried to isolate and manipulate you, means you NO good.

I can guarantee you that if he knows where you live or if he moved in or you don't start to put boundaries in place with him. You will be posting on here in a few months or a year from now begging for advice on "how to get a dusty abusive dude out of your home. You haven't seen your friends or family and you can't work from the stress of it all and on top he doesn't help with your child. But you're also scared as he is talking about expanding the family." I'm not saying this will be you, but there's 1000's of threads of women all living/tolerating the same horrible lives.

Please don't do this to yourself, you are 29 years old, please don't let your 30's be full of this unnecessary stress because he feels his child needs to see her dad in her home. I can guarantee you that by the time she's 5 and her mother is desperately unhappy, she won't want him around. Stop the family days out, it's giving mixed messages. You're setting yourself up for failure in the long term.

I know from experience. I wouldn't wish that hell on anyone. That's no longer my life and it's beautifully peaceful now. So perfect your peace and that of your daughters'. xx

I'm NOT sleeping with him
And I'm not in a relationship with him

Excuse the spelling mistakes lol its my phone

Sounds like you already know the answer to this - absolutely not this guy should not move in.
You need to have some very strong boundaries in place. Get an agreement in place (through a solicitor if need be) agreeing time he can spend with his child - if you're comfortable doing so as the baby is so young you could even allow your ex to come to yours and put baby to bed or give baby its tea for example. But you have to make it clear this is a co-parent relationship and nothing more. As the baby gets older your ex can take him back to his house for his time.

He wants to get his feet under your table.

Say no like a cracked record on amphetamines.

He's an ex for a reason. Remind yourself why you broke up in the first place. If no is too subtle a hint, get a (large, muscle bound) man to pose as a boyfriend. Or a local Hells Angels chapter. Swap over baby at Mum's and don't let him use the loo.

You aren’t alone. There’s another woman in a similar position whose ex moved himself in under the guise of being helpful and now wants his cat to come too. All for the princely sum of £200 child maintenance.

Absolutely not, he isn't a man, he didn't stand by you or your baby and he hasn't provided a home for either of you and is controlling to boot. It sounds very much like he wants to be a cock lodger. You can do a lot better that this with someone who truly loves and respects you.

In addition I wouldn't even allow him to come over and feed her or do bath times and put her to bed. If he has outbursts then his volatile. So why even encourage or invite that level of danger into your home. Why be that woman who has to potentially call the police or family or friends just to get him to leave your home because he wants to stay the night. Don't do this to yourself.

Proceed with caution! There was another thread recently where someone’s partner moved himself in without her noticing initially - stayed over a couple of nights then didn’t leave!

are you able to have any contact time he has with the baby outside of your new home?

Do not let him in your new house, I would set up an official arrangement for when he can have DD by himself, no (playing happy) family days out except school things eventually.

Draw a line, make a solid boundary for yourself and shut down any and all of his attempts to manipulate the living situation.

Frankly I'd rather be acrimonious with him and keep my life the way I want than be on good terms where we can joke if he takes it as you going soft on him.

Just keep him at a distance. Sort regular times and handover at doorsteps, do not even let him in your home.
He was controlling when together ( clingy?) He would be worse to live with, I guarantee your job would be to spend every night in with your DC and he'd refuse to care for her while you go out.
Separate co-parenting is ideal given what he's like, then you can go and do whatever you like while he has her. However, be prepared for him to be less attentive and keen to care for her once he's finally got the message. Unfortunately he could be fawning over his DD to get to you. Hold firm, "we are not getting back together, you are not moving in", on repeat until it sinks in.

Don't allow him access with your child in your house. He'll use that to edge himself in. Your house is for you and your DD alone.

There was a thread recently where someone accepted this and then the guy tried to bring his cat too.

^

This
Give them an inch , they take a mile. A cat is the least of your problems, op.

If he steps foot through your door, he will never leave.

I bet you make a mean chili con carne too, op.

This is also a factor in his faux 'wanting to be a family'.

I think it's more than just wanting to move into a ready made home n although that's probably part of it.

He's controlling and sees you and the bairn as his property. He's peeing all over you.

I'd tell him, while he's talking like this. He won't be getting inside the house at all and you'll make the bairn ready for contact to be done elsewhere. He might move in by stealth. All it takes is for you to be poorly and needing help. It's like a snare.

Get yourself a single bed. It’s a powerful message and makes it clear that no one will be staying over. Including him.

Gives you more bedroom space too!

Please don't let this man in your new home unless someone else is around to pack him off again. He has every intention of getting his feet firmly under the table and then could possibly push you out of your new home!