Told my SIL that we had plans - then she asks my partner the same thing behind my back?

[sarahkeintong]

Long story short, its my husbands mums 80th birthday in a few weeks. We have plans to go and look at our wedding venue as thats the only day that would work after weeks of trying to plan. There is no plan for my husbands mums 80th and I wasn't even aware of this date. We have lots of his family events coming up and this was the weekend that we could do. Anyway, I told my SIL (his sister) about the dates we are going in chatty conversation, and she gave her opinion saying my fiance and her should be spending it with their mum, so i asked if there was a plan for the birthday as i wasn't aware, but we have limited time to view our venue and it needs to be done. She responded saying no plan but he SHOULD KNOW that he needs to spend it with his mum?

I feel really uncomfortable but I spoke with my fiance and he said don't worry, she hasn't got a say in what he does and he was fully aware it was his mums 80th birthday but there is not a plan and he sees his mum 5 times a week. I came away feeling really guilty for putting my foot down, but felt if she had an issue not to project that onto me but to speak to him.

Anyway, 2 days later, she text my fiance saying that she has made a plan for the mums birthday (LOL). My fiance replies saying he will be on his way home from the venue and doesn't know if he can make it and that was that.

I find this really sneaky, its like she didn't listen to a word I said, or didn't take it seriously. I am in two minds to text her about it but I really can't be bothered for more drama and clearly pointless conversation that isn't listened too. I was angry at my fiance but regret that because he at least didn't change our plans, but now im concerned he will be rushing back and she was trying to make him feel guilty as she did me.... AIBU? should my fiance of handled it differently, and said, well didn't you already know we won't be here?! He says he doesn't care to talk about it with me and I should speak to her..

Sounds like you're trying to get one up on your Sil. Honestly, I'm the worst for avoiding gatherings like this but wouldn't dodge an 80th. Its a big deal. I lost my dad in his late 60s. Its a privilege to celebrate an 80th. Also, don't make his family the enemy. He sounds like he's close to them. Its ok for him to love them and you. Good luck with the wedding x

If you want future good will with your in-laws you know what to do. Why are you going in to bat with all this, get your fiancé to sort it, it’s his family.
The 1st sentence in your reply to me, suggests it is in fact a ‘competition’.

It’s not about ‘choosing’ between you or his sister. It’s about all of you being there for his mum. It’s about choosing to do the right thing, even if it is a bit inconvenient. I know my parents find all of us being together very special- much more special than seeing each of us individually.

I blame the grandmother. She should have thought about this 80 years ago and held on for another 24 hrs.

OP, it's clear that the majority of people would have ensured that they could see their mum on her 80th birthday. Most would also rearrange a venue visit if there was a mix up with dates. However, it really isn't your place to get involved tbh. It is on your DP to make sure he sees his mum and/or organises something with his sister. You shouldn't be annoyed at SIL texting DP - you should be pleased that she clearly sees it as his responsibility rather than wifework!

I suspect the fiance forgot it was his mums birthday when he booked this, but realises just how incredibly upset the op will be if he doesn’t do the visit, so he’s going with it to save a fight. I mean she was angry just at the thought of him changing it, never mind him actually doing so.

bridezilla.

@sarahkeintong how much damage can she do to your wedding if you aren't around on the 80th birthday. Can sh cause a rift which results in family refusing to attend your wedding?

I think it would be really weird and rude if she didn’t at least invite her brother to their Mum’s 80th birthday celebrations, even if she already knew he had other plans. It doesn’t sound like she applied any pressure.

Even if DM says it’s okay it’s really not okay to not make an effort to celebrate with your mother on her actual 80th birthday. He should’ve been the one making the plan for the day, along with his sister.

The issue is created on this occasion by 2 siblings individually making their own plan without involving the other in advance. Many times you have stated that "we are taking MIL out for a meal a few days before". So you had a plan, odd then not to have invited her to your plan. For some reason you wanted your individual moment to celebrate your MIL's birthday, when really most would of made it a family affair if possible. The situation is exacerbated by your DH not inviting his sister to the meal plan you had.
I don't think you will gain any ground, however, by complaining about how she has gone about this as she has form for doing things this way. What's important now is that your stbH has backed up what you said. She can go behind the scenes however she wants, let her do her worst and let it be water off a ducks back, because she will just continue to find that you are a unit and don't have the kind of relationship that maybe she has. She doesn't at the moment get how you do things differently, but she will realise after a while of getting nowhere with her tactics. You just carry on as you were.

That's going to be great for guests,hotels, transport,expenses etc.
But can't be available for a mum's 80th

I’m wildly guessing OP is significantly younger than her fiance

@sarahkeintong

Does your DP have children? At 80 I am guessing he is mid40s to mid50s? Surely there must be some grandchildren going along too?

I think it's one of those situations where you just need to go along & accept it might be inconvenient. Organise wedding venue another time.

It's not unreasonable for a sister to message her brother directly. It's concerning that you want to stop direct contact between siblings & expect to be involved in all communication.

I asked way up thread how old fiancé is. I suspect he is not in his early 20s and very naive

Your fiance sounds like such a drip. Of course he should be prioritizing his mum’s 80th birthday over a trip to look at a wedding venue 6 hours away (presumably that’s where your family are from, otherwise Why?).

I'm not seeing the issue, sounds like a mountain out of a mole hill.

Your mil birthday won't change so when your SIL spoke to you there was nothing planned now there is. Your df has told her you prob both can't make it so that's the end of that.

Your SIL was chancing her arm to see if he'd make it, he prioritised the venue visit 🤷‍♀️ I'd not bother even bringing it up with your SIL.

With an 80 year old mother the maths makes it obvious he isn't. The fact that the OP is trying to police the sibling relationship of a (likely) 40-50 year old man is part of what makes this so batshit.

Why are so many bothered about where the OP chooses to get married?! She can get married wherever she wants! It's her bloody wedding. If people don't want to make a 6 hour journey to attend then they shouldn't have been invited in the first place!

Well this is a silly response.
Unless the bride is from somewhere 6 hours away, it's totally unnecessary.
Cost, environnemental and time impact makes it a very selfish move.

It isn't just her wedding unless she was marrying herself.

OP please, you have an excuse for everything. If this is your general attitude I don't think you'll be getting on with your in laws for long and I wouldn't blame them

That's true, but it is an 80th and quite a big deal, possibly the last milestone birthday so if your own son and future DIL can't be bothered, it's actually quite sad. Most people like to make some effort for their family. Find it hard to believe a venue wouldn't let you pick another date.

Also don't be surprised and sad if your future husband doesn't give a shit about your birthday too. Hiw he treats his mum gives a good indication about how he will treat you

its not your place to say or give judgement on other peoples wedding destinations, like some intelligent people have clearly pointed out, there might be a reason, the majority of our family might be from that area, or i might have multiple elderly family members in that area. get a life and try seeing the bigger picture

@Lovethat yes, i do think its coincidental that 2 days later, and then to chance her arm is literally her thinking that me and my partner arent aligned in the things we are saying, or was hoping my partner would cancel our wedding venuing plans which has rubbed me up the wrong way, she would be livid if i went to her fiance