Told my SIL that we had plans - then she asks my partner the same thing behind my back?

[sarahkeintong]

Long story short, its my husbands mums 80th birthday in a few weeks. We have plans to go and look at our wedding venue as thats the only day that would work after weeks of trying to plan. There is no plan for my husbands mums 80th and I wasn't even aware of this date. We have lots of his family events coming up and this was the weekend that we could do. Anyway, I told my SIL (his sister) about the dates we are going in chatty conversation, and she gave her opinion saying my fiance and her should be spending it with their mum, so i asked if there was a plan for the birthday as i wasn't aware, but we have limited time to view our venue and it needs to be done. She responded saying no plan but he SHOULD KNOW that he needs to spend it with his mum?

I feel really uncomfortable but I spoke with my fiance and he said don't worry, she hasn't got a say in what he does and he was fully aware it was his mums 80th birthday but there is not a plan and he sees his mum 5 times a week. I came away feeling really guilty for putting my foot down, but felt if she had an issue not to project that onto me but to speak to him.

Anyway, 2 days later, she text my fiance saying that she has made a plan for the mums birthday (LOL). My fiance replies saying he will be on his way home from the venue and doesn't know if he can make it and that was that.

I find this really sneaky, its like she didn't listen to a word I said, or didn't take it seriously. I am in two minds to text her about it but I really can't be bothered for more drama and clearly pointless conversation that isn't listened too. I was angry at my fiance but regret that because he at least didn't change our plans, but now im concerned he will be rushing back and she was trying to make him feel guilty as she did me.... AIBU? should my fiance of handled it differently, and said, well didn't you already know we won't be here?! He says he doesn't care to talk about it with me and I should speak to her..

@MultiplaLight don't be so miserable. It doesn't matter an ounce whether or not it's necessary. It's her wedding day. If she's fallen in love with a venue 6 hours away she's perfectly able to get married there, whether she has family links there or not. People get married abroad ffs they can do it wherever it is legal to do so!

It might be considered a bit selfish by guests because they have to travel to attend, but no one has to attend simply because they receive an invite. OP and her partner will likely be committing thousands of pounds to this day, that is all about them, and their love, and their desires.

IMO the right thing to do, is stick to the plan he made with his future wife, and that his MIL is more than happy and excited to go for dinner with us prior to her actual birthday. the wrong thing to do, is to jump to his sisters tune, because shes now decided to plan something ON THE DAY SHE KNEW WE COULDNT MAKE

Convenient that you've worked out that the right thing to do is having everything your own way.

that would be true if i organised the wedding venue viewing when there was a plan for the birthday, but as i have said over and over, there was no plan, we had a plan to take her for dinner, and when the sister found out about our plan, then decided to make a plan knowing we couldnt attend, and text my partner about it @Sandyankles

hahahahah - what horrible treatment right!! god forbit the MIL was excited for her dinner plans :O

@sarahkeintong seeing as you are replying. How old are you and hubby to be?

@sandyhappypeople like i explained, there is 3 weeks of family events coming up after the birthday, which is why he had to go and see the venue when we did. there is always something going on most weekends.

Is this for real?

Fully on Team SIL here.

OP you sound controlling and insecure. It's totally reasonable for SIL to contact her own brother in these circumstances.

It's crazy that you're calling her toxic for this, and that there are (admittedly not many) posters backing you up in that when there's no evidence that she's toxic generally. So much projection going on here.

80th birthday is more important.

Her birthday has been on the same day for 80 years. You both knew that when you arranged the viewing of the venue. You've still not given a reason for booking a venue 6 hrs away.

she 100% could of organised it for the friday/sunday - but chose not to because she wanted my fiance to cancel our plans

thats what annoyed me, the slyness, oh id love for you to be there i have balloons and after the year she has had.
but when texting me it was completely different - he SHOULD be doing this, HE SHOULD KNOW to do this - she would NEVER speak like that to him because she knows what response she would get
i think its sneaky, at least tell him what he should be doing like you told me, own up to it.

Her venue is irrelevant to the issue, she doesn't have time justifying where her wedding is ffs

But how is that guilt tripping? I'm not sure I understand what you mean, surely these events have been pre-arranged, you've been invited and agreed to go?

What does that have to do with guilt tripping him? Does he not want to go to them?

How can anyone know what the bigger picture is if you won't say?

"Intelligent people" - yeah the few randomers on an MN thread who happen to agree with you😂

"There might be a reason" - clearly not a good one or you'd have said what it was.

@sandyhappypeople no he does not always want to go, but his sister and mother lay it on thick and we end up having to go. His mum often texts him saying family first and family need to stick together.

see this is the thing, they are all for him spending time with friends, spending time with family so to answer your question, its when he prioritises a female over his family thats when it annoys them.

@KaleQueen yes i would say she does.

So why say no to them in the first place if he backs down and you end up going anyway?

It sounds like this is the crux of the issue to be honest, he must feel bad about saying no for any feelings of guilt to be able to change his mind. Why would he feel guilty about saying no, if he doesn't want to go?

Do you want to go to these things?

@sandyhappypeople because of what they say to him, family first, family over anything

From your further posts OP it sounds like they are struggling to adjust to your partner prioritising anything over their family unit. It may be that he's just given into them forever so now he's standing his ground a bit they are scrambling.

My MIL once complained to me that she used to have DH wrapped round her little finger and could get him to do anything, but now she can't 😂

I honestly worry though that when we are married I am not going to feel prioritised. I am trying to read the room and thats why how he deals with things now are incredibly important to me. I don't want to have to go through a divorce because of this, he says things will get better once we are married and we arent married yet to fully prioritise me, im not sure what difference that would make. we have had his mum call us crying before over something he said (when he stood up to her when she was calling another lady a alcoholic) she rang him 4 days straight crying saying she couldnt believe he told her off.
i cant believe she said that to you!! at least she knows she cant now haha

Has he been married before? I know you don't want to say his age, but are people correct in thinking he will be 40's / 50's sort of age.

No, you numpty, she wanted to be on her mother’s ACTUAL 80th birthday. Like most normal people would, especially when that significant birthday falls on a weekend.

You keep saying “there were no plans”.

It’s her birthday, it’s been the same date for 80 years; plans should have been implicitly understood.

No one with a decent relationship with their parents makes non-urgent plans knowing it means they miss their parent’s significant birthday.

That’s on my partner though, not me. He knew the date and was happy to go.

No he hasn’t. Early mid 30s. When we got engaged she said she was so used to being number 1 woman in his life.