Told my SIL that we had plans - then she asks my partner the same thing behind my back?

[sarahkeintong]

Long story short, its my husbands mums 80th birthday in a few weeks. We have plans to go and look at our wedding venue as thats the only day that would work after weeks of trying to plan. There is no plan for my husbands mums 80th and I wasn't even aware of this date. We have lots of his family events coming up and this was the weekend that we could do. Anyway, I told my SIL (his sister) about the dates we are going in chatty conversation, and she gave her opinion saying my fiance and her should be spending it with their mum, so i asked if there was a plan for the birthday as i wasn't aware, but we have limited time to view our venue and it needs to be done. She responded saying no plan but he SHOULD KNOW that he needs to spend it with his mum?

I feel really uncomfortable but I spoke with my fiance and he said don't worry, she hasn't got a say in what he does and he was fully aware it was his mums 80th birthday but there is not a plan and he sees his mum 5 times a week. I came away feeling really guilty for putting my foot down, but felt if she had an issue not to project that onto me but to speak to him.

Anyway, 2 days later, she text my fiance saying that she has made a plan for the mums birthday (LOL). My fiance replies saying he will be on his way home from the venue and doesn't know if he can make it and that was that.

I find this really sneaky, its like she didn't listen to a word I said, or didn't take it seriously. I am in two minds to text her about it but I really can't be bothered for more drama and clearly pointless conversation that isn't listened too. I was angry at my fiance but regret that because he at least didn't change our plans, but now im concerned he will be rushing back and she was trying to make him feel guilty as she did me.... AIBU? should my fiance of handled it differently, and said, well didn't you already know we won't be here?! He says he doesn't care to talk about it with me and I should speak to her..

There may not have been a plan at that point in time, but she was sounding out the plan with you both. On the assumption that your fiance would have kept his mum's 80th birthday free to do something with his family. She later realised that she was going to have to initiate doing something on the big day as it became clear her brother wasn't even keeping it free.
This isn't your SIL being weird and controlling, it is much more weird that your fiance hasn't also assumed there would be a family event that day and to keep it free.

Exactly. It was on your partner.

Which is why his sister is on at him to get his head out of his ass and do the right thing for their mum.

OP you’ve turned this into a pissing contest between you and SIL over who your partner should obey listen to. If you had an ounce of self awareness, you’d realise how petty and counterproductive that is.

Thank you for clarifying, my advice would be stop trying to make him choose, by blaming them and pitting yourself against them you will always end up disappointed, it's just who he is and how he was raised, I'm not saying he will always choose them over you, but there will be times when the outcome is not what you want, I feel like you are trying to test him here to see if he is future proof and he's only just scraped by in this situation. Him saying he will be when you're married is just a fob off to be honest, you are getting married so if you're not happy with his level of commitment to you now, you will never be happy with it when you are married.

But in the same breath, it's unreasonable to make him have to choose between you and his family, you could live a very happy life if you accept that is he always going to find it hard to say no to them, if you love him then you have to accept that and accept his family dynamics, or you're marrying him trying to get him to change and that's unfair on him and you and won't work out long term.

It's like this situation now, I assume you wanted him to tell his sister to get lost because he has plans with his future wife, you basically did (on his say so), but then he didn't, he is now trying to accommodate them, but that isn't their fault that he didn't stand his ground and made you look a bit silly, it's his fault 100%, and that's where your annoyance should lie, HE undermined you not them. IMO it's not a bad thing that he loves his family and wants to make them happy, but if you are looking for someone who will prioritise you above all else, and says no to his family if it is something YOU don't want to do, then you are going to be sadly disappointed.

thank you. he responded saying " i will be driving back from xyc" didnt say whether he could or couldnt make it - do you think he made me look silly by that reply?

appreciate your comments. i am used to a smaller family, where i would prioritise my husband so its definately hard to adjust. @sandyhappypeople i also find it very uncomfortable with the guilt tripping, i try to make him see, but he just gets annoyed and angry at me, i wonder if deep down he knows.

Originally you said he said My fiance replies saying he will be on his way home from the venue and doesn't know if he can make it and that was that.

So it sounds like he was saying it was a possibility so not quite the same as your reply. I don't know which was correct, definitely can't make it from you or doesn't know if he can make it from him. Maybe there is a discussion to be had on timings.

I think he did yes, because you had already said you were away and wouldn't be able to make it, he then confirmed that with you saying he did know it was her birthday and you will still be going on your trip anyway.. which you then relayed to her.

Then when he spoke to her, he didn't say no he said, "he will be on his way home from the venue and doesn't know if he can make it" where as you wanted him to say that you had plans and that was that, which is what made you angry at him? and what has now made you worried about him trying to rush back to go there, and he has refused to talk about it anymore, IMO he is right to prioritise his mum on this occasion and I think he probably forgot it was her milestone birthday when you booked this viewing, which is why you're getting a negative response on here.

It is a very common issue with men that you read about on here.. the mums/sisters find it hard to let go of the influence they've always had and the men feel guilty when they are asked to choose between what their wife wants and what his family wants, it sounds like a mild case of Fear Obligation Guilt (FOG), which is a learned behaviour over time, it doesn't make him, or his mum or his sister bad people, you just have to accept that that is how he was raised and that is all he's known, probably how his mum was raised too, we are all a product of our upbringing ultimately.

He may change over time, but you will never force him to, or force him to 'see it', because he does know, that's why he shuts down with you when confronted, but he feels powerless to change it, or doesn't want to change and is very much stuck in the middle.. the worse thing you can do is create a divide and blame them when it is actually his behaviour that is the problem (saying one thing to you and another to them etc), there's ways of coping with a family dynamic like that but if it is nothing like what you are used to it may be hard to navigate.

The only way to deal with this is to accept that is part of who he is, he won't always prioritise you, and if you can't accept that then you should probably re-think whether this marriage is a good idea.

sent you a DM.

It does seem a good many posters are constructing entirely their own narratives around this. Many responses are quite bizarre. Then again, MN threads on weddings and MiLs usually are and this one has a double whammy!

Makes for compelling and incomprehensible reading at the same time.

So how long has it took you to book this wedding venue viewing. This seems like a long engagement for mil's special birthday meal to be such a big obstacle to your plans.p

It's absolutely relevant, if it wasn't 6 hours away it wouldn't be such a massive rigmarole for them to organise a visit. Although I'm highly doubtful that this really was the only possible date they could visit the venue. OP has made it clear that she needs to see her fiance choosing her above his family, and what better opportunity than giving him a choice between his mother's 80th and going to look around a wedding venue. Which they've already booked anyway.

YABU.

Why on earth would you think that? Isn't it far more likely that a plan just got made after you'd spoken, and was (obviously) communicated to your fiancé because he's the son of the woman whose 80th birthday it is?

I can't begin to tell you how weird I would have found it if one of my SILs started asking me rather than DH about the plans for their mother's 80th.

What if it's her last ever birthday? Why can you not see the venue after the 80th? I think you are both pig ignorant and selfish. Shame on you both. I would be mortified if you were my children.

A lot of people 😂 my brother recently had a wedding 4 and a bit hours away and we made a weekend of it at the venue was really nice we went on the Friday had a meal with family and members of the wedding party then they got married the Saturday then we went home on the sunday

I do think yous should veiw the venue another day it's not nice at all giving your sister in law a maybe to attend a birthday of his 80 year old mams birthday !! Even if yous have work and can't make it any other weekend I'm sure yous could work around it and sort something else out

I get the messages a lot because women tend to be more organised I guess. But if I’d have received this message, or anything similar, I would have told him, explained the conversation you’d already had and would leave it to him to get back to her with an answer, whatever that may be. Some messages, married or not and for them to respond to as it’s their family.

I may be the odd one out her but I am with the OP. What adults celebrate there birthday on their birthday and if it was so important something would have been planned - just seems the event has been planned to derail YOUR plans. If your OH only saw his mother every few months it would be different but you can do something in the Sunday and it can be a ‘birthday weekend’ rather than one day,

if her birthday was a weekday would your OH expected to take a days leave? Of course not you do at the weekend.

And where you choose to have your wedding is your choice- loads of people get married ‘elsewhere’ where bride grew up or abroad or in a castle. It’s ridiculous the amount of people who have brought this up in reply when it’s NOT RELEVENT.

Hi OP, just curious how long have you been together? It can just take time for men to grow up sometimes :)

I'm in a similar situation (not specifically with the birthday lol) where my family are less close and I prioritise my fiancé above everything, whereas he sees his family all the time and they're closer. It can be hard to get used to the different dynamic.

I think you're not going to get good responses on this thread because an 80th birthday is such an extreme example but sometimes if somethings annoying you, you just aren't reasonable about it anymore because so much has built up. I would be tempted to make a separate thread to talk through your concerns about not being prioritised with other examples and you might get more helpful responses.

I don't think your fiancé has done anything wrong to you though because he's not cancelled your plans, he is prioritising you in my opinion.

Hi op,

arf SIL LOL!! Defo tried to be sneaky.

don’t bother, your partner didn’t fall into it and she will now know better. Put it to her learning curve time as he is just about to get married. She will get it soon enough, no need to stir.

Edit for your concerns : if they are close, it will be difficult for the other women in his life whom are used to tell him this or that but now will have you to cater with too. They won’t like that. It isn’t their job to like it. Give it time and don’t be anxious. Focus in your partner reactions and how to sort this out. Do not intervene. It is for your do to deal with his sis and mom. Anything you say/do will be use as charge against you 🤣 like in a lot of the close families.

🌺🌺

Are you trying to say sister had no right to contact her brother, or disagree with you? How does that sound when you say it out loud? Why would you want to get on his sister’s bad side since you’re marrying into the family, and, you’re in the wrong? Think about that.

She's obviously not saying that SIL cannot contact her own brother.

If you read the thread, the issue was that SIL contacted OP to tell her over and over what her partner should be doing, after she was told that they had plans on MIL's birthday.

When she didn't get the response she wanted she went directly to her brother, which is frankly what she should have done in the first place.

If anything, the problem is that SIL didn't contact her brother initially.

No question - the 80th birthday 100% completely trumps a wedding venue viewing!!!

If I was SIL I'd be quite put out that that was being prioritised, and really your fiance should have blocked out that weekend for 80th birthday plans.

It's a huge milestone and a great excuse for a catch up/party!! I bet his mum is just being nice to keep the peace, but frankly she might not be here for her 90th and it would be very sad to not do something to mark the occasion.

She's turning 80! What if this is her LAST birthday!

Do you have to see everyone in your close family on every birthday in case it's their last one? They are still going to celebrate MIL's birthday with her, just not on the specific day!

Sorry it's just so alien to me and not at all how my family function 😂 we all live close by and see each other at least once a week. My dad is terminally ill and I didn't see him on his exact birthday this year! I called him, sang happy birthday and told him I loved him. I celebrated with him and the rest of the family a couple of days later at the weekend.

@Moltenpink totally agree, don’t know how anyone would want to prioritise a wedding venue visit over their mum’s birthday aside from a really good reason like abusive parent etc. Can’t believe OP is posting this rubbish, sounds like a fabulous daughter in law doesn’t she 🤦🏼‍♀️