Told my SIL that we had plans - then she asks my partner the same thing behind my back?

[sarahkeintong]

Long story short, its my husbands mums 80th birthday in a few weeks. We have plans to go and look at our wedding venue as thats the only day that would work after weeks of trying to plan. There is no plan for my husbands mums 80th and I wasn't even aware of this date. We have lots of his family events coming up and this was the weekend that we could do. Anyway, I told my SIL (his sister) about the dates we are going in chatty conversation, and she gave her opinion saying my fiance and her should be spending it with their mum, so i asked if there was a plan for the birthday as i wasn't aware, but we have limited time to view our venue and it needs to be done. She responded saying no plan but he SHOULD KNOW that he needs to spend it with his mum?

I feel really uncomfortable but I spoke with my fiance and he said don't worry, she hasn't got a say in what he does and he was fully aware it was his mums 80th birthday but there is not a plan and he sees his mum 5 times a week. I came away feeling really guilty for putting my foot down, but felt if she had an issue not to project that onto me but to speak to him.

Anyway, 2 days later, she text my fiance saying that she has made a plan for the mums birthday (LOL). My fiance replies saying he will be on his way home from the venue and doesn't know if he can make it and that was that.

I find this really sneaky, its like she didn't listen to a word I said, or didn't take it seriously. I am in two minds to text her about it but I really can't be bothered for more drama and clearly pointless conversation that isn't listened too. I was angry at my fiance but regret that because he at least didn't change our plans, but now im concerned he will be rushing back and she was trying to make him feel guilty as she did me.... AIBU? should my fiance of handled it differently, and said, well didn't you already know we won't be here?! He says he doesn't care to talk about it with me and I should speak to her..

Well she didn't go straight to him did she, she contacted him 2 days later when there was an actual plan and although you said you couldn't make it he says it might be so good job she let him know.

More importantly, why do you feel you have to view venues, you sound mature by the age of you MIL?

Hmmm, I’m guessing it’s probably because she’d like to see the venue before she commits thousands of pounds but is that overkill in your view 😂

OP wins gold medal for use of the word fiancé.

Anyone else thinking of Elaine in that Seinfeld episode?

”Maybe the Dingo ate your baby”

For a parent's 70th or 80th, my family would plan something specific.

For a non-milestone birthday it'd be a card, or a phone call (we all live in different bits of the country).

I agree with her, he should know that he should be seeing his mother on her 80th birthday.

She was also right to address it with her OWN BROTHER rather than talking through his fiancé. I'd much rather discuss family things with my brother than his wife and quite often she'll say no to something or make a plan and he'll say yes or not know about her plan and make a totally different plan. It's an absolute ball ache.

She didn't ask you if you were free for her mums birthday, you said you dropped it into a conversation you were having, so she's not trying to make plans through you in the first place. She was expressing her disappointment that her brother had made unimportant plans on his mother's 80th birthday. Then took the conversation to her brother. She had every right to discuss it with her brother.

A 6hr journey for a wedding venue is also bloody insane especially when his mother is 80.

He knew it was her 80th bday but made plans to be elsewhere. I guess his sister assumed he would have kept the day clear, so wanted to check with him if he really was prioritising his own mum’s 80th for a venue visit. Nothing wrong with her checking. She’s probably frustrated he’s putting this over his mums bday, I would be too. I hope my mum makes 80, and if she does, I certainly wouldn’t be putting anything over spoiling her a little that day.

I think that you're getting a hard time OP. If there were no plans for her 80th, then why not go and see your wedding venue? I would have presumed that a celebration for 80 would have been a low key family dinner out in the evening. She was a bit sneaky to go behind your back perhaps, but she was probably scrabbling around a bit making last minute arrangements because she hadn't got around to it. I would try to see if you can see the venue at another time. If needs be cancel some of your other arrangements with his family in order to fit a new appointment in. Definitely don't say anything to the sil. It's just one of those things were you both have slightly differing priorities (which is fine too).

YABVU and quite selfish. I suspect your DF would rather see his mother on her Birthday but perhaps doesn't want to rock the boat. Would you miss your mother's land mark birthday so casually?

"A 6hr journey for a wedding venue is also bloody insane especially when his mother is 80."

Not if she is returning to where she grew up and where all her relatives live (some of which may also be elderly). Lots of brides wish to return to their home towns to get married.

I agree

OP - you are the one doing the guilt tripping. You are making your fiancé miss an important family occasion and presumably hurt his mother’s feelings for something that could easily be rescheduled. You could be gracious and change the date to enable him to be with his Mum, but you want him to ‘choose’ you. The anger you are feeling is actually you trying to deflect the fact that you know you are being unreasonable on to others. You and especially your future dh will be looking at your wedding venue knowing the choice you’ve made, I hope it’s worth it.

Your SIL has done nothing wrong, she has organised the birthday (why your fiancé couldn’t have done something when he realised nothing was planned you don’t explain) and let your future dh know what’s happening- and quite rightly told him that he should try to reschedule the venue visit. From her point of view she will be seeing this as a massive snub to her mother and her family, and is probably worried about her brother.

I suspect yr fiancé feels like the meat in the sandwich, pressured from both sides whilst impossible to keep everyone happy. I think you should definitely prioritize your future MIL’s birthday.

What have you read that has given you that impression? OP hasn't said anything to imply that she has made her partner do anything. The viewing cannot easily be rescheduled. Have you read the thread?

Why is this even a question

1. 80th - known about since your husband was old enough to know his mother's age, and can't be changed
2. visiting wedding venue - known about for less time and very possible to change.

Leave 1, change 2

Could you swing by first thing in the morning on her birthday OP? If not, I'd make sure to get flowers delivered to her on the day so she knows you are both thinking of her. I'm sure she'll feel special and appreciate the extended birthday celebrations when you take her out!

Of course the venue visit can be changed - OP is going to be paying them thousands, if they can’t make time for her to visit that is pretty shocking! She has also said that her fiancé doesn’t want to talk about it which certainly implies that he is pissed off / feeling guilty / feeling stuck / manipulated / sad / disappointed. She is angry at her SIL for no reason and doesn’t seem to care at all about her future MIL.

It sounds like a typical situation - the daughter saying we need to do something special for mum 's 80th and the son not thinking 🙄. Go to the 80th event.

Start as you mean to go on! Say to SIL, as I said we are at the venue that weekend but why don’t we all go to x restaurant the day before. Arrange that! Neither of them have put much thought into it. Be proactive and arrange things yourself if you have to

Nasty - narcissistic - and nasty. Go to her 80th - you don’t even want her at your wedding. Suck it up and go then you can have everything your own way. Poor MIL.

Agreed.
Most likely she won't live to her next big birthday. This is really selfish. So shocked some people treat their parents like this.

This^
and yes, in this situation your SIL wad right to organise something for mum and expected her brother to be there as well.
P.S. it’s a bad trait in your fiancé that he forgot his mum’s birthday/ didn’t consider it. The next birthday he will forget will be yours and I bet you won’t like it.

Why should he have to choose over his sister or me though? It’s not a competition. Life happens sometimes you see people a few days before their actual birthday. It’s not the end of the world as long as the persons who’s birthday it is is happy

@5475878237NC "So shocked some people treat their parents like this."

Bloody hell the pearl clutching is something else here. A man who sees his mother 5 times a week misses her birthday to look round wedding venues, yet takes her out for dinner later to celebrate. Call the police! Call the social! Shocking!

@Blueblell i should have done that, but she’s already arranged a gathering when she knew we wouldn’t be there now.
do you think I should text her and ask her to join our meal? I don’t see the point honestly.