My DH made a bit of a poor decision and is making me pay for it

[midsummermornings]

That title is a bit more dramatic than things actually are but I do think it’s fair to say DH made a couple of decisions that weren’t the best, and keeps making digs at me as a way (I think) of convincing himself it’s my fault.

So - we have two children, I’ve only recently gone back to work after the second, and I had a full year off on maternity leave so pay was reduced considerably (and none at the end.)

Last year, we bought a new car for me. I didn’t ask for it but it’s fair to say I didn’t argue about it. I have always accepted DH makes the car decisions and I regret that now. A few weeks later his head was turned by a fancy car and he bought it. I think he knew at the time it probably was an unwise decision but he went ahead.

Things are catching up with us now and despite us both being on good salaries we’re finding it hard to balance things out, too much month at the end of our money sort of thing.

I don’t want this to come across as if I am blameless as I’m definitely not but the number of passive aggressive digs I’ve had from DH are really getting on my nerves now and it’s affecting our relationship. He keeps making ‘jokey’ comments that I’ve bankrupted him; keeps complaining about not having had a holiday, saying he has had to ‘bail me out.’

I did get really annoyed with him on Monday and he was apologetic. I said to him that I welcomed an adult conversation about money but that I wasn’t going to respond to PA digs and I did warn him that they kill a relationship which obviously isn’t what either of us want.

I have made him sound horrible, and he isn’t, but I do think he’s stressed. Does anyone have any ideas on how we can discuss finances without blame or petty you did this I did that sort of behaviour?

Sorry typo in the OP.

How has he been since you spelled it out to him how it was making you feel? Has he taken it on board, or are there still comments.

Does the bailing you out comment mean covering when you were on maternity leave? That would infuriate me, given you presumably agreed together to have a child.

You can't fix the communication problem alone. Either he's on board to change things and comunicate properly or there's nothing you can do.
Don't waste your energy trying to do it alone. BTW, your response to him was great.

Firstly, he is horrible with the passive aggressive digs and I would sit him down and tell him

1. To stop
2. How much a divorce would cost
3. He decided on the car
4. A full time nanny instead of maternity leave would have cost a whole lot more than “bailing you out”

Dont put up with it - it’s not nice

I think the only way to have an adult conversation about finances without blame/pettiness is to have two adults who actually want that kind of communication! And you need to act and behave as though you are a team. Especially if you are married, running a household with children. You need to be able to sit together and map out what is coming in and what is going out, what can be cut back, where money can be saved… it’s pointless playing the blame game because that doesn’t put any extra money in the account or reduce any of the outgoings.

It sounds as though he is saying that your maternity leave is the cause since he thinks he bailed you out. So… having the child and the leave was all for you and he didn’t want that? Is that what he thinks?
When actually, he bought a car he couldn’t afford. I’d be furious. He’s blaming it on the baby and you rather than on the car and his poor financial decision. He need to hand the car back.

And if you’re back at work now on full pay, but still can’t afford all your expenses then he really really could not afford that car. What a stupid man.

You can’t afford your lifestyle and having two cars on loan.

@LadyDanburysHat in fairness he hasn’t made any digs since, however it was only two days ago so I’m not being complacent!

Bailing me out did enrage me as well to be honest. I’m not going to claim I’ve always made good decisions because I haven’t but I do think well, at least I’m owning them I tend to be careless with money, so yesterday for instance I had both children and we went to an event at a local forest which was £12 admission for us all, then nipped into Morrisons to ensure I had the childrens lunch and dinner: cheese, chicken, bananas, broccoli and milk came to £14 and then fuel too … so all in all I probably spent over £30 yesterday but it didn’t feel like much at all. So I do need to keep an eye on things like that. On the other hand, the children obviously need to eat!

I don’t mind and in fact welcome honest conversations but we don’t seem to get anywhere when we do.

@Ivehearditbothways i don’t think it’s so much that he’s ‘blaming’ my maternity leave but the fact is that I’ve always earned less than him even when I was full time and had more responsibility at work. So he probably does feel that I’ve leaned on him too heavily and he’s probably right. But that doesn’t mean it’s let him off the hook entirely.

I suggest you sit down and write a budget, in our house I tend to write the budget and then discuss with dh, he gets stressed about money but accepts that it is a discussion we need to have every now and again. You both need to take ownership, laying blame isn’t helping the situation.

I would go through all your expenses and assess if you can afford them. If you can’t something needs to change, the quicker the better. Martin Lewis website is a great resource, and if you’re in more debt than you can afford citizens advice may be a place for next steps. I speak as someone who did ignore mounting debt and paid handsomely for it. Never again!

’Not as expensive as a divorce though’
’nice way to talk about the year I spent giving birth to your child’
Don't talk such bollocks.
If you’d like my help with your budgeting problems, let me know.

Don’t engage with it until he’s ready to talk properly. He’s pushing his embarrassment onto you.

This

Thanks @wonderstuff

We have gone through all our outgoings before and while things are tight they are doable. After the mortgage the big outgoing is undoubtedly the cars - one definitely needs to go and it is frustrating me beyond belief that while he’s seemingly happy to grumble he won’t sell one, I really can’t understand it at all and I need to challenge him on that directly.

It doesn’t sound like it, I know (!) but apart from this we do have a respectful and loving marriage. But I absolutely hate talking about money with him.

ok £30 but you didn't spend it on toys for DC or your nails, you invested this money into family quality time. I'd worry if I spent £100+ but 30 for even in the forest sound like money well spent especially that the kids got outdoors etc.

I was seriously ready to tell hi, I wanted a divorce on Monday. Obviously, I don’t - but it is horrible being made to feel like an expensive nuisance.

He did apologise and he admitted he was stressed. The other frustrating thing is that I do actually have an asset I could sell and clear the debt but he’s adamant for me not to do that because we’d waste it, apparently. Which is probably best I agree but I suppose the point is I’m not just sat there smiling sweetly, I am offering potential solutions.

I kind of agree @ChilledMama85 , but the issue is I suppose that during maternity leave that sort of thing was nearly every day. Both children have extortionate swimming lessons and I think I’m going to cancel those for DD as she’s just 14 months and I can’t afford them: am probably best keeping the older one in them.

Casting my mind back over the summer, we’ve had dental appointments (we can’t get an NHS dentist so pay private which is bloody frustrating) new car seat for DD … I think what happens is I do tend to hide these things from DH as I don’t want to get him stressed and moaning then I inevitably run out of money by week 3 or 2 and then it makes it worse. Stupid really.

The £12 for the forest plus £14 shopping is £26, so unless you only put a couple of £ fuel in then you definitely spent over £30. You've stated you're poor with money, do you underestimate spending a lot? Was the £14 just one days lunch and dinner and just for the kids? He definitely shouldn't be being passive aggressive but it does appear you need to be more conscious of the everyday type of spending that can quickly get out of hand.

Be careful on the cars - sometimes you are locked into a finance deal for the whole period so selling the car doesn't actually mean you can just pay off the loan. Double check the finance arrangements.

you need to make him understand that you were not on hols during your mat leave & that you've lost x amount of money by going on mat leave + missed out on promotion & pay raise.

Then you go back to work, you're most likely still the one who attends to DC at night but you must get up in the morning as if you had good night sleep ( like DP had) & stay focused at work.

If a calm conversation doesn't work I'd have my own budget/ spending money from now on & send him a bill 50% ( or more if you are on lower salary) of what you spent on eg. event in the forest.

Thats what I do with my DH & he is so surprised how much my 'small bill' as he likes to call it cost.

@YourSnugHazelTraybake i actually agree with you. It wasn’t just one lunch / dinner, no, but I do find that when I’m home with the children we can spend a small fortune without really wanting to or meaning to - or a lot of the time not realising that we are. I love them to pieces (of course!) but when I’ve got them both at home I find it a bit stressful and easier to be out and about which of course inevitably costs money, especially in summer. I am aware of this and am making a conscious plan to try to avoid it whilst also ensuring that they don’t miss out. In some ways it will be a bit easier next week as I’m back at work for three days a week which stops a lot of the careless sort of spending.

And this is why I do want to be honest and not claim I’m some sort of financial angel as I’m clearly not. On the other hand, I was happy with my old car, I didn’t want it need a new one, and DH certainly didn’t need TWO new ones!

You might want to point out to him that you bailed him out of providing a year's full-time childcare or nanny pay. How fucking dare he.

Is his fance car on a lease? Because otherwise, you might not actually recover that much money - new cars are notorious for losing half their value in the first couple of years.

This isn’t proper budgeting though and where the problems are coming from.

Do have joint or sole accounts?

I know, and for this reason we have to sell the car I actually like best (the one that was ‘my’ car) but that’s obviously not a problem, I’m not too fussed what I drive. I also recognise it was misguided generosity that got us here. I just want us to work this out and sort it (and it is very, very sortable) together.

We each have a sole account. And I do need to budget but equally budgeting can be tricky when you have unexpected expenses. I know that ideally we’d have savings to act as a buffer but we have to save for a while first in order to get to that point.

If you were able to put some money, even a little bit, into savings then these one off expenses would be less problematic. It sounds like you’re consistently spending a little more than you have, so you either need to be more ruthless with your budget only spending what you’ve allocated, or you need to accept you can’t actually afford the car. It sounds like your dh has his head in the sand and like you are quite passive in financial decisions. Long term you’re really putting yourselves at risk, what happens when the next unexpected expense comes along?

We were living right on the edge without savings and then the 2007 crash happened and dh was made redundant and it took us years to recover.