My DH made a bit of a poor decision and is making me pay for it

[midsummermornings]

That title is a bit more dramatic than things actually are but I do think it’s fair to say DH made a couple of decisions that weren’t the best, and keeps making digs at me as a way (I think) of convincing himself it’s my fault.

So - we have two children, I’ve only recently gone back to work after the second, and I had a full year off on maternity leave so pay was reduced considerably (and none at the end.)

Last year, we bought a new car for me. I didn’t ask for it but it’s fair to say I didn’t argue about it. I have always accepted DH makes the car decisions and I regret that now. A few weeks later his head was turned by a fancy car and he bought it. I think he knew at the time it probably was an unwise decision but he went ahead.

Things are catching up with us now and despite us both being on good salaries we’re finding it hard to balance things out, too much month at the end of our money sort of thing.

I don’t want this to come across as if I am blameless as I’m definitely not but the number of passive aggressive digs I’ve had from DH are really getting on my nerves now and it’s affecting our relationship. He keeps making ‘jokey’ comments that I’ve bankrupted him; keeps complaining about not having had a holiday, saying he has had to ‘bail me out.’

I did get really annoyed with him on Monday and he was apologetic. I said to him that I welcomed an adult conversation about money but that I wasn’t going to respond to PA digs and I did warn him that they kill a relationship which obviously isn’t what either of us want.

I have made him sound horrible, and he isn’t, but I do think he’s stressed. Does anyone have any ideas on how we can discuss finances without blame or petty you did this I did that sort of behaviour?

That is pretty much it @wonderstuff . We are both older parents and in some ways I don’t think DH has adjusted to not being able to buy things like fancy cars on a whim. I don’t mean that he resents it, he just hasn’t made that mental adjustment. I’m largely thinking out loud here but when I think about it, DC1 probably didn’t massively change or impede his life much. Whereas DC2 was far less of a shock to me,I think it’s been a shock to him, as he’s had to do - and spend - much more.

Do you also have a joint account? Could you both put something in that and use it for family spending - food, fuel, kids’ days out?

If the dynamic is you spend “your” money on the kids and then ask him for a top up in the second half of the month, is that why he sees it as a bailout? (He’s wrong to say that, of course, but it might be avoidable at source if you each contribute pro rata to salary to a joint account)

We were here a few years ago. What we have now is a joint Monzo account for bills. We pay enough money in there to cover the months regular bills. It predicts the final balance at the end of the month so we know we bills are covered.
We then have a weekly spend amount (what’s left after bills), we put the rest in ‘pots’ and moved a weekly amount into the spending account. When this is gone it’s gone, no more days out or take away etc.
We have a ‘savings pot’, we try and keep this above £500 - it took a few weeks of being frugal to get this there. This isn’t long term savings, it’s the birthday fund, new car seat fund, washer breaks down fund etc. Anything at the end of weekly spends goes in here. When this drops below £500, we got back to being frugal for a few weeks etc.

Was he unaffected by DC1 because you silently covered the cost but now you have a bit less money after a second maternity leave, you can’t any more?

Any big purchases, new cars, holidays etc. The bills account is re calculated and we make a joint decision on whether we can afford it or not.

Agree with this. £14 for lunch and tea sounds a lot to me unless you were treating yourselves. It’s the mindless £14s here and there that really add up.

I’ve taken my children to an event today and we bought something from
Greggs (had drinks with us) because I know £6 at Greggs will be more expensive at the place we’re going to. That £6 is a treat though so we’ll have something cheap we’ve got in like pasta for tea.
I earn well but the little things add up and I’m really trying to cut back (like £6 at Greggs when we could have had a sandwich at home)

Why isn't he paying for the kids stuff too? Days out, food, car seats, swimming lessons aren't your expenses. If he doesn't like how much you spend, why doesn't he take some initiative and deal with these things? Very easy for him to point fingers isn't it...

£6 at Greggs will be cheaper

At its most brutal, yes, although it’s a bit more complex than that.

To give a full and boring history, i actually came very, very close to losing my job in 2016 after a pretty serious injury. I was stupid and tried to keep going but couldn’t and took so much time off I ended up in bother for it at work. The whole period was really stressful and still upsets me now to be honest.

My priority at the time was to keep my career going, so I moved to a hard to recruit area in an attempt to do just that - hard to recruit because it was so expensive to live there. I met DH during that point, although he isn’t from that area.

We had actually only known one another a few months when I got pregnant, and it was lockdown so I was actually able to save quite a lot of money, partly because commuting costs and the like weren’t an issue and partly because there wasn’t anywhere to spend it! But I lost thousands during my first maternity leave because I wasn’t going back to that job which meant they gave me all my (SMP) maternity pay in one lump sum, so I was taxed an eye watering amount which I did get back but wasn’t helpful in the immediate sense of things, and also lost a lot due to excessive NI contributions, pension and so on.

I got a new job when DC1 was nine months. We also got married and moved house twice that year which obviously wasn’t cheap, and then I was expecting DC2. So thinking about it it’s not surprising we’re struggling, what we do need is to be pragmatic and take ownership.

We do have a joint account but to be honest neither of us ever pay into it. At the moment, my inclination is to keep anything financial a guarded secret which I know isn’t good, but that’s my instinct.

It wasn’t just one lunch - it was two packets of chicken breast, two blocks of cheese and a whole broccoli! I don’t want to be all precious and MN-y but what they eat is important to me and I definitely wouldn’t be routinely giving Greggs to small children; one is just a baby. And I don’t think it would be a good financial decision anyway. Regardless, I do recognise the broader point but it does go a bit deeper than that. I really shouldn’t have to give the children cheap processed food when we have three almost new cars on the driveway.

I mean, it's not really about arguing the toss, you are where you are but you agreed to your car in your previous position with his old one. You didn't agree to your new car knowing about his at the time so you're not to blame for current circs as they stand.

Sounds like you can't reverse the decision on the second car but can get a cheaper first. That should take the pressure off but I think a discussion is needed about budgeting, and his maturity. Having children is a joint cost. He didn't bail you out at all. I think his outlook needs some development.

See, you're on here discussing saving money on broccoli and he's buying two new cars at a moments notice (I know you were fully in agreement with yours). Possibly some joint counselling to reach a shared perspective?

Hang on, he earns more, but you are hiding the cost of dental appointments from him? Are you scared of his reaction ( to healthcare)?He can afford a new swanky car, but will get arsey if you go to the dentist??
If you are frightened to be honest with him, this is going to be impossible to sort out.

We are both older parents and in some ways I don’t think DH has adjusted to not being able to buy things like fancy cars on a whim.

Jesus, barely anyone can truly afford buying fancy cars on a whim! The fact that somebody sells,or rather loans you a car on finance, does not mean you can afford it.

Greggs wasn’t the best example or one I was meaning to hold up as being a good choice 😄 my children thought it was great today! We also eat fairly healthily my point was the money spent that £6 was a treat so £14 is quite a lot for two meals if you’re trying to be careful. I tend to do a lot of picnics and use Aldi. It was more me pointing out that £14 x numerous times gets expensive.

@DelphiniumBlue I’m not hiding them through fear or anything like that. I just feel I don’t want grumbling, passive aggressive comments, pulled faces … I was looking at a holiday the other day (I won’t be booking anything, but I really was just looking!) and that was the catalyst for the row, and we really don’t row very much at all. He did recognise he was out of order, but I don’t think that will stop him in future.

I know, and I wasn’t trying to be unpleasant in my response, and hope it wasn’t taken that way. But buying greggs or it’s equivalent every day wouldn’t be sensible (I know you weren’t saying it would be) - I was buying actual food, for meals, if you like

It sounds like after you putting your foot down, he has realised he is being hurtful, and responded respectfully. If that's the end of it, then let it be :)

I hope that's the end of it!

I assumed she means the petrol to get there and back, rather than what she spent at the pump.

What is it with men and buying new cars to show what billy big b*llocks they are? Especially when it's at the expense of the family budget.

Sorry OP, Your DH's attitude stinks and he needs a kick up the bum with regards to family finances.

You need full overview of your combined income/outgoings/savings before even thinking about agreeing to make big purchases like two new cars. It shouldn't just be left to him as he's shown he can't make sensible choices when left alone.

If he doesn't like it, tough. He's chosen to be married with 2 children. He isn't some single bachelor who can splurge on boy toys and ignore the consequences.

The only way forward is being open and honest about both of your finances/spending. There isn't anything to be embarrassed about, you are married, you are supposed to be a team and working together.

@midsummermornings How was a day out and buying lunch and dinner a bad financial decision? What does he expect you to eat-gravel?

That is correct yes

@autumnbake i do think he massively underestimated my contributions. Since he pays for the ‘big’ things in his mind my money was pocket money but he’s realised (I think) how much children are. He bought the new car before I went on maternity leave with DD and I do think he regrets it a bit now. Which is fine but I do resent it being suggested it is all my fault although he says it isn’t if I call him on it.

At the moment my solution is just not to talk about money with him. But I know that isn’t a solution either.

can you not just go yourself and trade your car in? why do you need his approval?

Well, quite. But what I mean is that I know I have a tendency to spend money a bit aimlessly without really meaning to, so while DH will go and buy a new car I in fairness probably spend hundreds over the course of a few weeks in the co op.

But I am mindful of this and want to ensure that this doesn’t carry on. It’s just frustrating when you feel you’re being described and painted as an expensive nuisance, more like an irritating relative than a beloved wife and mother.

It isn’t in my name but I do need to drive something!