My DH made a bit of a poor decision and is making me pay for it

[midsummermornings]

That title is a bit more dramatic than things actually are but I do think it’s fair to say DH made a couple of decisions that weren’t the best, and keeps making digs at me as a way (I think) of convincing himself it’s my fault.

So - we have two children, I’ve only recently gone back to work after the second, and I had a full year off on maternity leave so pay was reduced considerably (and none at the end.)

Last year, we bought a new car for me. I didn’t ask for it but it’s fair to say I didn’t argue about it. I have always accepted DH makes the car decisions and I regret that now. A few weeks later his head was turned by a fancy car and he bought it. I think he knew at the time it probably was an unwise decision but he went ahead.

Things are catching up with us now and despite us both being on good salaries we’re finding it hard to balance things out, too much month at the end of our money sort of thing.

I don’t want this to come across as if I am blameless as I’m definitely not but the number of passive aggressive digs I’ve had from DH are really getting on my nerves now and it’s affecting our relationship. He keeps making ‘jokey’ comments that I’ve bankrupted him; keeps complaining about not having had a holiday, saying he has had to ‘bail me out.’

I did get really annoyed with him on Monday and he was apologetic. I said to him that I welcomed an adult conversation about money but that I wasn’t going to respond to PA digs and I did warn him that they kill a relationship which obviously isn’t what either of us want.

I have made him sound horrible, and he isn’t, but I do think he’s stressed. Does anyone have any ideas on how we can discuss finances without blame or petty you did this I did that sort of behaviour?

OP by keeping your finances separate you are putting a price on your kids. You are allowing him in particular to say 'I won't spend X on family life, I'll only spend Y'. When you have kids you are in it it together. There are loads of (sexist) reasons why you earn less than him. Both of you should be putting everything you have into the family, with an equal amount of personal spending money each. If you divorce you will get half of everything, so you might as well do it that way now. Good luck!

At first I felt incredibly cross on your behalf but now you are coming across as ungrateful for in the most part good well meant advice.
Yes you have a relationship problem but what is at the root of all this passive aggressive behaviour? I can’t make out from your thread if your husband is basically a most of the time decent husband/father who is acting badly but out of character due to money pressures (still not acceptable) or whether you have had two unplanned pregnancies and he is resentful upon finding himself in a position he basically didn’t want/expect to be in. Sorry that sounds harsh but others have asked and you have ignored the questions - was at least your second child planned by both of you with equal enthusiasm? No need to share here but important for you to be sure about.
The relationship advice would be totally different dependent on this information though.
No matter how much you want it to be different, your overall relationship will be hugely impacted by how you both decide to work through the finances regardless of whether that’s totally together or separately and then integrated.
From what you have said, you are suffering now for having hidden the financial and energy/emotional impact a child naturally brings to a relationship - you need to ask yourself why you did that but also stop doing it with everything/anything ongoing.
Since you are so adamant financial advice is unwarranted and unwanted here is a piece of relationship advice - make sure you believe in and advocate for your own worth. Your first post was really impressive where you calmly and honestly set out the issue and that you wanted a change but from here on you have made excuse after excuse for your husband and why things absolutely can’t change, so essentially you have backed down.
You own an ‘asset’ which could solve the issues but your husband gets the veto on you selling it. So why is that OP? Encroaching on finances but I do hope your name is on that mortgage too for obvious reasons.

I would point out to your partner what a split with 50:50 parental share would look like from a time, financial and emotional perspective (including holidays, sickness, pick-up/drop off, appointments, classes, food prep, washing, clothes/shoes purchase etc etc) not because you intend to do it but so that he fully realises why it’s so worthwhile HE makes more effort to make you both work better as a couple. Put back on the table all the issues and solutions, make him do the same, and make some decisions together. You really need to listen to what he says too because from the attitude you have with many posters I’m not sure you’re very good at doing that and honestly that could be part of the problem too.

Stop drifting and actually make changes yourself. This could be you only using cash for a month (after main food shop of course) to stop impulse purchases. As you say though, you feel it’s more about relationship issues than money.

How is he "bailing you out"? He got the car for you, and he made the decision to buy a "fancy" car for himself, presumably without consulting you about it, and knowing full well that it was beyond your household's means. You have children together and they are his responsibility as well as yours.

For two people who met , married and had children later you both are acting extremely immature.
Marriage is a partner ship and closing your eyes , putting your fingers in your ears whilst shouting it’s their fault not mine is ridiculous
You say your annual income is 100k plus ….. and your struggling . Both of you have had issues with job losses etc but seem to have learned nothing.
Your relationship issues and money issues are intrinsically linked , you don’t listen or seem to trust each other. You both give up and retreat at any sign of conflict and blame each other.
START talking , sell the extra car or /if the new car is too dear look at ways to reduce cost . It’s not rocket science.
You earn a good wage between you but if your not careful the pair of you could lose everything because of your childish immature behaviour.

This is a grown up , let's sit down and do a proper budget moment.
The cars need to be downgraded if the budget doesn't work.
It's not anybodies fault your in this. There's 2 in the relationship, but it's not nice he's saying you bankrupted him type jokes.