My DH made a bit of a poor decision and is making me pay for it

[midsummermornings]

That title is a bit more dramatic than things actually are but I do think it’s fair to say DH made a couple of decisions that weren’t the best, and keeps making digs at me as a way (I think) of convincing himself it’s my fault.

So - we have two children, I’ve only recently gone back to work after the second, and I had a full year off on maternity leave so pay was reduced considerably (and none at the end.)

Last year, we bought a new car for me. I didn’t ask for it but it’s fair to say I didn’t argue about it. I have always accepted DH makes the car decisions and I regret that now. A few weeks later his head was turned by a fancy car and he bought it. I think he knew at the time it probably was an unwise decision but he went ahead.

Things are catching up with us now and despite us both being on good salaries we’re finding it hard to balance things out, too much month at the end of our money sort of thing.

I don’t want this to come across as if I am blameless as I’m definitely not but the number of passive aggressive digs I’ve had from DH are really getting on my nerves now and it’s affecting our relationship. He keeps making ‘jokey’ comments that I’ve bankrupted him; keeps complaining about not having had a holiday, saying he has had to ‘bail me out.’

I did get really annoyed with him on Monday and he was apologetic. I said to him that I welcomed an adult conversation about money but that I wasn’t going to respond to PA digs and I did warn him that they kill a relationship which obviously isn’t what either of us want.

I have made him sound horrible, and he isn’t, but I do think he’s stressed. Does anyone have any ideas on how we can discuss finances without blame or petty you did this I did that sort of behaviour?

You (both) might benefit from Monzo or one of the other accounts that lets you set up pots for different things.

It's old now but the advice is still excellent: get a secondhand copy of one of Alvin Hall's books.

Fair enough @Fluufer but it was a bit annoying acting as if I had personally done it. I’ll need a car so the point was we have one car excess to need.

@midsummermornings - thank you and yes, so hard not to blame - particularly when it's their fault 😉😂

Seriously though, what is helping me a bit at the moment is trying to avoid escalating conflict. Obviously I'm trying to up my income and be more on top of the finances overall, but also trying to communicate with DH like a calm adult, even though he can't seem to! So if he grumbles, I say - 'well, we did agree that my income was going to be unreliable, didn't we?' - and I am trying to avoid saying 'and YOU were the one that took a pay cut/left that job/thought you'd be earning more by now' as it always, always results in a row and makes things worse between us. So if he's being passive aggressive, you might say 'well, obviously my earnings would be affected by two maternity leaves, right?', but not say 'and it was YOUR choice to buy the car!'

I don't think it's ideal - really, the men should behave like adults, and they are being dicks - but I know that mine and DH's communication over this has been horrendous and our marriage seems the rockiest it's ever been. So for now, I am taking a calm step back a bit and hoping we will get through it.

I also think that money woes are pretty emasculating for men I think - I think they inherently feel the need to provide (even if they claim the unfairness of this!) so when there's not enough money - even if that's because of their own poor decision making, they feel shit and lash out as a result.

He could sell his car to clear the debt he's created...

I think I'd sit down with him and say, arguements aside, I don't want him to go on thinking I am a financial burden or resenting me for 'bankrupted him' and so we need to get on top of it before it gets any worse.

1. Agree a budget we can both stick to
2. Agree to sell one of the cars and perhaps use the finances of all of them to make a sensible decision as to which one
3. Agree that big financial decisions will be fully joint from now on and I would be more participative in making them - and I'd be dropping heavy indications that I was not going to agree to flashy new cars just because they took our fancy in future.

Persinally I'd hope this did one of 3 things:

• make the emotional burden easier for him
• helps us make more sensible decisions about our finances
• make him think twice about blaming me in future - in case I got even more objectionable about his spending

3 new cars plus tax, insurance, service
2 children
2 property moves
Wedding
All cost money

I can see why you do not have any money for a holiday

Do you have any emergency savings ?

When you both get paid, save some

... and, of course, the obvious response to anyone thinking they earn more so get more of a say re spending, is to then talk through what would happen if I wanted to work as much as they did to earn more - and childcare and housework etc would have to be 50/50 from then on...

It is @pistachioblue . Thanks. I don’t wish misery on anybody obviously but I am grateful for the fact we’re not alone in this.

You can only save money if there is money to save @MovingShadowS . I was paid last week; I have £200 left. It isn’t completely wretched and there is money tied up in assets but obviously not anything I can quickly access.

Haven't read every comment, but I do think you need to sit down and work out as a couple your outgoings. Look through each of your accounts every month and make a detailed list.

Then think about the things you might pay for once a year...

Me and DH have separate accounts but do have a joint current account and a couple of joint savings account. Each month we pay into the joint accounts; we pay equal into the savings account but different into the current based on our earnings. (As the breadwinner I pay in a much higher amount.)

We have it set up so we roughly have the same "me" money each month which is left in our personal accounts.

It's tough - especially when one of you is more of a spender (DH 🙄) but it means you both have to take joint responsibility and can keep track of what's going on and how much you have left. Towards the end of the month we might see we haven't got much left and then decide not to go out or have a takeaway etc.

Spending on activities with little ones is so easy to do. We have membership to a few things (WWT, national trust etc) which helps. It more than pays for itself if we actually use it (and avoid the temptation of the cafe!)

We’ve done that so many times @DogsAndBirds …it just becomes huffing and tutting.

I don’t really know what the answer is. Ideally, I’d just keep my finances completely separate but we obviously can’t really do that. To be fair to him he does pay for the majority of things … but then he’s left with no money and that’s when he starts grumbling at me.

In one sense this mess has helped you both as you are now feeling the pressure of financial obligations and it's making you reassess how you are spending money.
Take that sick to the pit of your stomach feeling and use it to force yourself into making better decisions, because you never want to feel that way again.
Save,save,save- no matter how small an amount, because it really does all help.

Most importantly sit your DH down and tell him you're a team and both in it together. It doesn't matter who spent what anymore, it's sorting finances out for the future that matters now. That said, based on your info it does seem to be more your DH who is a more daft with money rather than you, but its good you are aware of where you waste (when you can afford it, its fine to splurge now and again) so thats good too and you aren't burying your head on the sand pretending you don't waste money or blame it all on DH.
As long as you are both on board and work together you can sort this, if only one of you is making the effort it can't work.

Can you have a sensible, adult conversation with him about how finances have changed since having kids and you want to get a better handle on things?

Maybe go through your spending first and identify regular expenses on child-related things that are coming out of your account - both necessities (car seat, dentist, clothes, shoes, swimming lessons) and the extras (babyccino at the cafe, lunch out, little toy from the gift shop) - and just point out that these are all expenses you didn't have before DC, and that it would be good to make a plan for how to pay for them.

At the moment, am I right that you pay for most of these from your money and then he transfers you money to cover your daily expenses in the second half of the month (but resents it and makes snarky comments). That's not fair and it's not working for either of you. It also doesn't let you budget properly because neither of you have a plan for how much money you both need each month.

What is your plan with the cars? Is his idea that you get rid of your new car and go back to driving the old one? Is that the only realistic option?

What would you get for selling the third, old car? Would that give you enough cash to make the payments on both new cars until he can trade in his flashy new one for something more sensible? Or if you sold that one and your new one, would you be able to get a different used car for you that still feels nice to drive?

He is being objectively horrible. Don't apologise for that portrayal of him.

He resents supporting you for a year of mat leave, and his comment about his lack of a holiday indicates he believes that year was a holiday for you.

He resents the fact that family life costs money. Instead of growing the fuck up, he is gaslighting you. I'm glad you called him on it.

Joint decision to have a baby? Joint decision about length of mat leave? Who is paying for childcare?

His decision to buy the cars - his flashy car was his way of consoling himself for "supporting you", I suspect. He's feeling petty sorry for himself.

£30 is not a lot to spend in a day with 2 children in the summer holidays. We spend £100s over the 6 week break, because days out and making memories is what we value. We have one ancient car between us which my Dad handed down to us about 5 years ago. It will need replacing eventually but we're in no great rush.

I think the two of you need to get on the same page. First, he hasn't "bailed you out", you sacrificed your career advancement for his (and your) family and he needs to respect that and show a bit of gratitude. The comments need to stop immediately.

Then, you need to decide what to do and work out a budget which is realistic to your lifestyles. It's not like it was 5 years ago when you could shop carefully and get a week's shopping for a family of 4 for £40. Everything has more than doubled in cost and what used to be extravagant is now the norm. If the two of you can't afford the cars, they need to go.

My DH and I hit a tough spot a few years back and changed the way we did things. We set up a joint account, both our salaries went directly into the account and we worked out a weekly amount to spend on food and "pocket money" for each of us every week. Any spending out of the account beyond the small amount transferred into our personal account for everyday spending, we discussed. That only works if you're realistic. It's no good pretending that you can survive a fortnight in the summer holidays on £50, there's only so many times you can take them to the park.

He absolutely does resent it.

Hence that remark about holidays.

Did I read that he feels it 'makes more sense' to sell your car rather than his? How convenient, no face lost for him having to tell people he'd overspent.

He seems to have placed you in a position where you feel financially guilty for having had a maternity leave and for even feeding your children. So you find it easier to try to pay for everything the children need yourself, leaving you broke and him tutting at your lack of money?

How nasty of him to buy an expensive car he didn't need and try to imply it's you being a burden that is the problem. Well done for seeing through his nonsense. Be careful of falling into his trap of you and the children trying to be as cheap as possible to keep the peace. He's manipulating you into that.

@WoolySnail i do think you’ve misunderstood the intentions of the thread a bit. I don’t have a sick feeling and sitting DH down is pointless.

The holiday comment wasn’t (I am trying to be as balanced as I can be here) him having a dig at me about being on holiday during maternity leave. I was looking at a friends photos on Facebook and mentioned something and later on he said something like ‘I bet if you said to your friends you couldn’t afford a holiday on what we earn they would be like <pffing noise> but we can’t.’ Which is true. But they don’t have three newish cars on the drive.

Perhaps you should take over the finances then?

DH and I used to constantly argue about money and he was avoidant or huffy and puffy. He was also arseish about maternity leave (later apologised).

I decided it was fair to split household expenses in proportion to our salaries. Our contributions go from our individual current accounts to a joint account.

I manage the money overall and decide what we can afford on holidays, home improvements etc.

He sorts his own car and hobby stuff. I sort mine.

I don't worry about bills that won't inconvenience me/DC directly if unpaid.

Basically this is an approach for if the other person isn't a team player with money.

It genuinely isn’t that @Iwantascone , it really is because of how the finances are arranged. We both like my car better than the other one.

Why 3 cars? Does he have 2?

He’d never go for that @Phineyj . The problem is he will do his thing, I’ll do mine. But that isn’t a marriage

I do remember reading a comment on here about how it was easier to share finances when you’ve both been together since you were very young and I do think there’s a lot of truth in that.in some ways we are both set in our ways.

😂

DH had / has a car.

A few weeks later we bought mine.

A few weeks later, he had his head turned by a fancy one and bought it. This isn’t the only reason we’re struggling a bit but it is one of them.

Well, unless your baby is learning to drive, then you need to sell one of the cars - which ever one is going to be most appropriate to get rid of taking into account how expensive it is an need to fit in car seats etc.

I grew up in the 60s and 70s. My parents always had separate bank accounts but divided costs fairly between them. Dad earned a lot more than mum. While mum was part time, dad paid for all our clothes and shoes and other major expenses such as school trips etc. Once mum went back to full time work, they each paid halves. Mum tended to buy the stuff ( of course) but dad would reimburse her.

I think you should definitely be paying halves for major child related purchases such as clothes and car seats but also food costs. Does he think he can have children without paying for them ?

Do you actually know how much money he has? 3 new cars, won't sell one, won't budget or combine finances... perhaps he's not as hard off as he's letting on?
You're not working as a team, which is a big problem.

You haven’t leaned on him too heavily at all!

I earn considerably less than my husband and if I read that to him he would be genuinely 🤯.

Your joint income is your joint income, you are married with children. You’re spending money on raising his children.

Yes, you obviously both need to be a lot more sensible about your financial choices but don’t berate yourself for sharing the income of the family!