My DH made a bit of a poor decision and is making me pay for it

[midsummermornings]

That title is a bit more dramatic than things actually are but I do think it’s fair to say DH made a couple of decisions that weren’t the best, and keeps making digs at me as a way (I think) of convincing himself it’s my fault.

So - we have two children, I’ve only recently gone back to work after the second, and I had a full year off on maternity leave so pay was reduced considerably (and none at the end.)

Last year, we bought a new car for me. I didn’t ask for it but it’s fair to say I didn’t argue about it. I have always accepted DH makes the car decisions and I regret that now. A few weeks later his head was turned by a fancy car and he bought it. I think he knew at the time it probably was an unwise decision but he went ahead.

Things are catching up with us now and despite us both being on good salaries we’re finding it hard to balance things out, too much month at the end of our money sort of thing.

I don’t want this to come across as if I am blameless as I’m definitely not but the number of passive aggressive digs I’ve had from DH are really getting on my nerves now and it’s affecting our relationship. He keeps making ‘jokey’ comments that I’ve bankrupted him; keeps complaining about not having had a holiday, saying he has had to ‘bail me out.’

I did get really annoyed with him on Monday and he was apologetic. I said to him that I welcomed an adult conversation about money but that I wasn’t going to respond to PA digs and I did warn him that they kill a relationship which obviously isn’t what either of us want.

I have made him sound horrible, and he isn’t, but I do think he’s stressed. Does anyone have any ideas on how we can discuss finances without blame or petty you did this I did that sort of behaviour?

If your boiler stops working and the engineer says you need a new one, ditto kitchen appliances etc where would you find the money to replace.

I can't even imagine how much finance you are paying on three cars. 🙈

Why can't you? Is it impossible or he just wont?

How can you not have a joint budget? How does that not work?

It’s fine to have separate spending money and all that, but you earned different amounts and you need to sit down and look at all the outgoings, and have a fair split of who pays what according to how much you each earn. And then you each get the leftover to yourselves.

A joint account doesn't have to mean pooling everything or paying for everything from the joint account.

Would he be amenable to both of you paying some money into your joint account at the start of each month to cover daily expenses for the kids?

An alternative could be him transferring money directly to you at the start of the month for those things, so that it is an up front, planned expense that you can both budget for, rather than ad hoc when you "run out" of money.

Financial plans and budgets change when circumstances change. Having kids means more shared expenses and you need a plan that works for both of you. It should be possible in a marriage to notice that something that used to work fine financially doesn't quite work anymore and needs a bit of re-jigging - in the same way that you notice when your child has outgrown their car seat and buy a new one.

You going back to work after mat leave sounds like it could be a good opportunity to open the conversation about what is / isn't working and how to tweak things to make budgeting smoother for both of you.

OP has already explained she doesn't want advice on sorting finances, she just needed to vent.

When it comes to financial matters, you and your husband are not a team. And his earning capacity and his priorities are different from yours. That's the fundamental problem.

Separate finances can work if you are both on the same page. But you are not.

In the nearly two decades since our adult children left home, our finances have become more separate - partly because of tax planning. However, it works because we are both naturally frugal and there is simply no way either of us would make a major purchase without discussing it.

As it is, he is doing whatever he likes, but you cannot because you do not have the same means.

She knows her husband. She knows her situation. She’s already incredibly frustrated by it.

What she’s now dealing with is the dynamic of a relationship where he expresses that his overspending and shortage of money are the fault of his wife and DC.

Does that sound about right, @midsummermornings ? Would he see it that way? Because that’s the bit that needs to change I think. All the systems in the world won’t change that underlying attitude.

That aside, it sounds as though you as a family need him to buy into a family financial security plan.

Putting everything else aside, your husband is so unbelievably unreasonable for 'having his head turned by a fancy car', as you put it, and buying a third car you didn't need. That's just insane. You have two kids ffs!

Indeed. I didn’t want to ‘vent’ @WoolySnail , I needed to talk about my relationship . If I’d needed money advice I’d have posted on money matters.

Wow you seem determined to take everything I post the wrong way despite nearly every other poster saying virtually the same. I'm out, good luck with everything x

Well, honestly I do feel a bit like I have to keep justifying why I’ve posted to you Woolly.

I understand you posted in “relationships” but managing money IS one of the common flashpoints of relationships.

Just as it wouldn’t be helpful if you tidied a room and he went and threw all the books on the floor just after, or you cooked a healthy meal and he gave the kids chocolate just beforehand, you can’t do this on your own. You can economise on days out, a bit, sure. But he is 50% (or more) of the money issue and only if he will adjust too can you solve it.

That is why people are suggesting joint accounts or budgets.

How do you resolve conflicts on other issues eg childminder or nursery, rural house or urban flat etc etc?

I honestly don’t see how you can fix it without a joint budget, I don’t see how any marriage can work without that. You’re clearly high earners, but have no savings cushion, which is madness.
Sounds to me like neither of you have ever had to worry about money before and you don’t really think it will ever be an issue. I really hope it works out for you, I’m sure there’s a good chance you’ll muddle along until you get back to earning a decent wage and all will resolve.

I have been in the situation of being in debt and without income and it’s just awful. You could be building up a really good security net for yourselves and it would be so much less stressful! It is more difficult when earnings fluctuate, a big chunk of our income is bonus based and for years we’d hit the cards on a lean month and pay them back on a fat one, but now we can dip into savings if we want a big purchase, because we chuck money into savings every month. I can plan for university and school fees and when the mortgage rate goes up I know it’ll be fine.

Anyway, just my experience, hope you find a way forward that works for you.

I know it's not the point of your thread but as you mentioned grocery spending. have you tried the Too Good to Go app? If you're not fussy eaters it could be helpful.
You can get £3-£5 bags from a range of shops like Asda, Lidl, M&S, Greggs, various coffee chains, restaurants & bakeries. It's helpful to have freezer space but you can still make it work if you don't mind what's for dinner! Almost every bag we've had has been great & we get 1 or 2 a week.
The supermarket bags ime have a meat item (raw or cooked), pre packed salad, vegetables, fruit, yoghurts, bread or bakery items and a ready/pre-prepared meal or picnic/lunch product.
Coffee shop chains tend to be 3 or 4 items like cheese & tomato/ham toasties, filled wraps and a sweet treat. They aren't as generous as others ime.
Our local bakery usually gives us a loaf and/or mixed rolls, hot pastry item and a few sweet treats like brownies/doughnuts/scones/slices of cake. Recently we've been sharing the bag with my in-laws and our neighbour there's been that much bread and we don't have a large freezer.

The problem with you both dealing with your own finances is that most of yours are joint , not individual. You have joint kids, a joint house and joint bills. You eat joint food and go on joint holidays.

As far as I can see, your current system is that you have bills that each of you are responsible for . But that only works of these bills are fixed amounts and don’t change, and hardly anything is. And that they can be neatly divided into two.

But Utility bills, mortgages and insurance go up all the time. Even if you have a fixed monthly DD, then it’s reviewed regularly. Council tax is usually 10 payment as year not 11.

Childcare can vary month to month and the free hours change. Obviousy most other costs vary week to week, like food, clothe, travel , car costs, entertainment.

The other problem is how you classify bills as joint or individual. Eg Are the second car payments joint and the third car payments individual ? Are gifts for extended family joint costs?

For this to be fair, you would need to sit down every single month with your bank statements and add up every thing you both spend , classify it, add up and make a balancing payment from the one who had paid less to the one who had paid more.

Clearly that is ridiculous and too much work, so that why most couples have a joint account. The fact that your husband REFUSES to do this shows me three things

• he is paying less than his fair share of joint out goings currently and doesn’t want you to know

• he enjoys putting you down and acting like Mr Big whose feckless wife is bankrupting him and he want to hide any facts that would prove otherwise

• he has a higher income / other savings/ pension/ debt / expenditure that he doesn’t want you to know about.

So you need to think really REALLY hard about what this says about him and who he is as a person , the state of your marriage and if this is how you want to live. Because if he won’t change , your only option is to divorce.

This isn’t about money. It’s about honesty and openness, integrity, selflessness, putting your partner first and working for their good as well as your own , communication , shared goals and all that other good stuff that makes a marriage work.

At the moment you have the opposite. You are damaging your career and Pension ( by taking maternity leave and working part time ). Not for the sake of your children but for the sake of promoting your husbands person and career.

Meanwhile he is lying to you about money , probably ripping you off, putting you down. And grudging £12 for a day out with his kids when he earns nearly £100k.

"The problem with you both dealing with your own finances is that most of yours are joint , not individual. You have joint kids, a joint house and joint bills. You eat joint food and go on joint holidays."

Exactly.

The responsibility lies with your husband, he chose to by you the car so should whine about it afterwards (not sure why you don't buy your own when you both earn as you said). When he was buying his he should have known if he could afford both or not.

If ONLY someone had mentioned this in the last nine pages.

OP, when you say that DH 'can't use his bonus' because of the £100k childcare threshold, has he put the excess into a pension or similar?

And you indicated he thought this was also your fault in some way - you don't set tax policy, so why would he think that?

He needs to sell the car and downgrade. Simples.

Maybe time to sit down with a financial planner and create a budget for the family. You need a plan to pay down debt and you both need financial discipline. Work together on this; don’t point fingers. Good luck!

Good advice, non-judgemental, not dramatic, practical, helpful, imo

Hi, have you read about Dave Ramsay's babysteps? It's a very clear plan about working on finances and might be helpful.

Tell him that youl happily divorce him if he wants, then he truly will be bankrupt and you’ll get half. Marriage- for poorer or for richer. Isn’t that the saying. If he and you wanted financial independence then you should have stayed independent.

So he's mad at you because he bought 3 cars? Just think how mad he is gonna be when you state you are dropping your contribution to 40/60.