My DH made a bit of a poor decision and is making me pay for it

[midsummermornings]

That title is a bit more dramatic than things actually are but I do think it’s fair to say DH made a couple of decisions that weren’t the best, and keeps making digs at me as a way (I think) of convincing himself it’s my fault.

So - we have two children, I’ve only recently gone back to work after the second, and I had a full year off on maternity leave so pay was reduced considerably (and none at the end.)

Last year, we bought a new car for me. I didn’t ask for it but it’s fair to say I didn’t argue about it. I have always accepted DH makes the car decisions and I regret that now. A few weeks later his head was turned by a fancy car and he bought it. I think he knew at the time it probably was an unwise decision but he went ahead.

Things are catching up with us now and despite us both being on good salaries we’re finding it hard to balance things out, too much month at the end of our money sort of thing.

I don’t want this to come across as if I am blameless as I’m definitely not but the number of passive aggressive digs I’ve had from DH are really getting on my nerves now and it’s affecting our relationship. He keeps making ‘jokey’ comments that I’ve bankrupted him; keeps complaining about not having had a holiday, saying he has had to ‘bail me out.’

I did get really annoyed with him on Monday and he was apologetic. I said to him that I welcomed an adult conversation about money but that I wasn’t going to respond to PA digs and I did warn him that they kill a relationship which obviously isn’t what either of us want.

I have made him sound horrible, and he isn’t, but I do think he’s stressed. Does anyone have any ideas on how we can discuss finances without blame or petty you did this I did that sort of behaviour?

I agree we need to sell a car and have said this myself at several points in the thread. However, the cars are not in my name and at the risk of sounding sarcastic (not the intention) I can’t sell them myself.

We aren’t working as a team and that’s the problem. I just don’t know how to solve it. The financial situation is secondary to the relationship one.

It isn't something you can solve. Either you work together or you walk away. Not sharing finances is one thing, but being completely in the dark is a massive red flag.

His cars are his "children"

Leaving his real children to struggle...

so yes you have a huge relationship issue, which is that your Dh won’t talk about money ( and I assume he’s the same about other big issues ) .

his luxury is having two newish cars and yours is a £12 day out and food from morrisons.

he wants the status of a wife and two kids but wants someone else ( you ) to pay for it.

You’re right, this isn’t a marriage. You need help now because your children are tiny, your marriage is relatively short and none of these issues will go away. if he won’t talk, agree a solution and stick to it then you might as well separate now when your kids are tiny and it won’t affect them.

sorry to be so blunt but that’s the reality. Selfishly Doing what you like regardless of what your partner wants or needs will destroy any marriage.

Action Plan

• Work out your total joint income take home.
• Work out what proportion he contributes and what proportion you (eg 55%:45%
• Get Starling or Monzo Joint Account (takes 10 mins to set up)
• Get all the direct debits paid out of this account
• Use Excel spreadsheet to list all your standard outgoings which are the same each month
• Loan repayments
• Direct Debits (utilities, phones, mortgage, insurance, TV, gym, Netflix, all the rest of it)
• Groceries
• Other monthly payments
• Savings for holidays
• Savings for house repairs
• Savings (general)
• Savings for Xmas
• Savings for birthdays
• Haircuts
• Dentist
• Kids clothes and shoes
• Your clothes and shoes
• His clothes and shoes
• Prescriptions
• Logs for fire
• Work out what is left over.
• Then decide on your discretionary spending
• Fun stuff with kids
• His spending money
• Your spending money
• Then you need to decide how you will both contribute to this. Usual would be to add it all up and then divide the contribution according to 55%:45% split (or whatever it is).
• Then set up standing transfer of that amount from your own account to joint on the day you get paid.

I am afraid babies and small kids are very cheap and easy - teens much more expensive. But never fear you have got time to work on this together and set up a system that will work. You are going to have to become much smarter at this in order to be able to pay for a school trip to Iceland or a laptop needed for GCSEs etc. and kids shoes that cost £90 odd each - without just resorting to accumulating credit card debt.

I speak from bitter experience as you can probably tell .:-)

Who pays the mortgage and bills?

The children aren’t struggling. If I couldn’t pay for things for them, he would, without hesitation. But clearly things aren’t working at the moment.

I think he does talk about money - sometimes it’s all he talks about! But there’s no sense of ‘this is what we have to do.’ It just becomes about blame and I feel the need to either apologise or become defensive, neither of which are helpful I know. And I also don’t think he’s solely responsible for us struggling. But just the same neither am I and it’s that I am annoyed with.

He does. I pay for the childcare.

Why did you/he not sell one of the three cars or are they all on a lease?

@BumpyaDaisyevna i’ll have a longer read in a minute but - babies and kids are cheap? Have you used nursery?

This is turning a bit cancel the cheque ish. I have addressed that @FrillyKnickersAndNoFurCoat

The digs need to stop. Is it because he is stressed. Can you return one of the cars? Financially with 2 small children and bills to pay money is generally tight for a lot of people. I think you are both to blame in a way. But more communication around finances needs to happen.

You solve the problem by establishing clear boundaries and sticking to them and by not acting like your contributions and financial ideas are somehow "less" because you earn less. That's ridiculous.

You have a dh problem, a big one. He makes poor financial decisions (3 cars!) and blames you for them. He then makes passive aggressive digs at you because he doesn't respect you or your contributions to the marriage. And why is his name on your car? Again, ridiculous.

You and dh need counseling ASAP with somebody who can work through his arrogance and defensiveness and your passive acceptance of a lesser status in the relationship. Not being able to discuss finances with the person you share life with will eventually kill the marriage. Money issues are one of the top reasons people divorce, second only to infidelity.

I'm not "blaming" you for not selling a car as they are in his name but as you say, you are not working together on this.

How would he react to you insisting on discussing finances properly and coming up with a team plan? Do you think he sees himself as successful in terms of how expensive the material things are he can buy?

I think you should definitely be writing down all the major child related purchases so that he can see what they need and how much it costs. It isn't as if things like clothes or car seats are frivolities. I woukd also say that while he has 3 cars when only 2 of you are driving them, you don't want to hear a single word ( passive aggressive or otherwise) from him about how much you are spending or how expensive things are.

The cars are the elephant in the room and until he addresses this I don't think you will be able to move forward.

Just another thought - who is paying for childcare and after school club etc while you are working - please don't tell me you pay all of this too!

I would be so annoyed with him if I was in your shoes.
He's an adult married with 2 children and he needs to stop buying cars (toys).
I dread to think of the monthly costs of those.

I actually totally agree with this!

It does worry me with the money and divorce. That’s really not what I want but if we can’t mutually agree a way forward then it may come to that. I very much hope not, though.

We have done the ‘spreadsheet, this goes out this goes in’ thing a thousand times and it never gets us anywhere, mostly because expenses rear up we didn’t anticipate. And I realise that ideally we’d have savings to cover that but we don’t, and we can’t really save anything because we’re stretched as it is.

I cant see it mentioned but have you taken finance out on these 2 cars & if so how much are you paying per month ?

I'm assuming this is the problem ?

Maybe time to see Relate or another couples' counsellor?

Don't be mistaken. This is a BIG issue and will compound over time if you don't address it.

Are you sure that mortgage and bills is taking up the same proportion of his take home that childcare is taking up of yours?

@EducatingArti i pay for the childcare but then DH does pay for pretty much everything else so in theory I’ve plenty left. In practice, I don’t and I do need to address this and have worked out a lot of it is because of careless ‘frittering’ which I need to rein in. Going back to work will help in this respect. But I suppose the point is I’m not holding DH responsible while he is holding me responsible. It’s difficult.

We can’t afford counselling 😂 I am not sure either of us would be inclined for that anyway, to be honest.

@midsummermornings
I think that as you've tried before to talk through finances etc, your best option is to get him to couples financial counselling to discuss and analyse the situation and work out a solution to enable you both to cooperate over finances.
Otherwise it's going to make your relationship impossible. He's acting like he's still single and childless.

To be honest, you’re not taking on board what anyone is saying. You are sticking your head in the sand and saying you / he won’t do what needs to be done. Several of us have been there and are telling you this won’t resolve by watching your frittering of money. This will destroy your marriage if you don’t fix it properly. You seem to find it quite funny at the minute tbh. And yes nursery fees are a lot but they are fixed expense that you can budget for. Once you don’t have these bills, you will commit to something else, a bigger house, a holiday by direct debit, another car etc etc and then find the ‘ad hoc’ bills are a lot bigger with older children then toddlers. Then you’re in a mess all over again.

@FawnFrenchieMum - the thread is helpful even if I’m not taking on board what people are saying - and I am, but quite a few posters are focusing on ‘fixing’ the money side of things which can’t really come from me, and quite a few just keep saying to sell a car, which I’ve said myself a few times.

I can watch my own spending and I can make savings, cut back, make do - but there is a broader picture to this and it’s that I’m posting about.

@midsummermornings
You probably do need some sort of counselling to help your relationship thrive.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan/

There are number of charities which may offer this. Don't let pride get in the way for your DCs benefit if nothing else.