My DH made a bit of a poor decision and is making me pay for it

[midsummermornings]

That title is a bit more dramatic than things actually are but I do think it’s fair to say DH made a couple of decisions that weren’t the best, and keeps making digs at me as a way (I think) of convincing himself it’s my fault.

So - we have two children, I’ve only recently gone back to work after the second, and I had a full year off on maternity leave so pay was reduced considerably (and none at the end.)

Last year, we bought a new car for me. I didn’t ask for it but it’s fair to say I didn’t argue about it. I have always accepted DH makes the car decisions and I regret that now. A few weeks later his head was turned by a fancy car and he bought it. I think he knew at the time it probably was an unwise decision but he went ahead.

Things are catching up with us now and despite us both being on good salaries we’re finding it hard to balance things out, too much month at the end of our money sort of thing.

I don’t want this to come across as if I am blameless as I’m definitely not but the number of passive aggressive digs I’ve had from DH are really getting on my nerves now and it’s affecting our relationship. He keeps making ‘jokey’ comments that I’ve bankrupted him; keeps complaining about not having had a holiday, saying he has had to ‘bail me out.’

I did get really annoyed with him on Monday and he was apologetic. I said to him that I welcomed an adult conversation about money but that I wasn’t going to respond to PA digs and I did warn him that they kill a relationship which obviously isn’t what either of us want.

I have made him sound horrible, and he isn’t, but I do think he’s stressed. Does anyone have any ideas on how we can discuss finances without blame or petty you did this I did that sort of behaviour?

Being charitable I'd say he's feeling bad about not being able to provide all the things he wants. The 'you're bankrupting me' comments sound less like genuinely blaming you and more telling himself and you that it's not that he's a poor provider, it's that he's too generous. Men often come out with that line as a humble brag to demonstrate how much they spend on their partners. Its an ego thing. I agree you need to talk about how to resolve the situation before it gets further out of control.

Personally I would just tell him 'We can't afford this car. It is going back' and go and buy a wee cheap car. I had leased luxury cars in my 30's- such a waste of money. Now I have a 12 year old car I own outright and the difference of not having any car payment is huge!! Get rid asap and give yourself back a bit of freedom.

I haven't read all the comments but thought you seem focused on your spending.
I know your dh makes it sound like this is about your spending, but have you thought about how to tackle the other aspect - the fact that he has been solely responsible for the family income and for major financial decisions (as a result?)? I don't mean that you should work/work more. I mean just talking to him about the role he's had, acknowledging that the financial pressure has been on him, saying that you appreciate what he's done for the family.
Lay it on thick enough and it might also encourage him to express appreciation for what you've done, too. Or you could even go on to point out that both of you are probably feeling a bit unappreciated in your new roles.

He hasn't asked you for buying both cars. He hasn't respect to your financial wisdom.

Why is he quizzing you on chicken breast expenditure when he put no thought into buying a car he can't afford?
You really need to trade in both cars and get back on track.

You’re fretting over a £14 food shop, a dentist, and a car seat, but are driving two new cars one of which is “flashy”??!!

So he pushed spending thousands on a car you didn’t need, but you spending a few quid on a top up shop is the issue?
He is being ridiculous. In fairness, you do seem somewhat passive over finances - going along with a big purchase you couldn’t afford and refusing to engage in a proper discussion with him aren’t exactly helping!

Thanks @5128gap , that’s a perspective I hadn’t thought of and would actually fit his character.

He isn’t giving me a hard time about chicken breasts. That example was illustrative. I’m trying to get across that it’s not that I am blameless and it’s more for me I can spend money without even realising it a lot of the time. I’m mindful about this, but equally I’m not solely to blame for this particular mess.

@80s , that’s really what I want. I’m not comfortable with how things are but it feels very much that as the much lower earner I’m at a disadvantage with challenging them.

Namechanged. I'm going through something sort of similar, OP - DH's career has not been going as well as he hoped over the past few years and we are also in a tight financial spot each month - very stressful.

Some of this was down to his own poor judgment, and some factors weren't his fault - I won't bore you with the details. Our problem is also that we had made the decision (jointly!) several years ago, that I would work freelance. This was with the clear agreement that I would likely earn less that him, my income would be unreliable, and his earnings would increase quite significantly.

Now we are strapped for cash, DH is grumbling that all the pressure is all on him, that I should earn more blah blah blah. I am absolutely trying to up my income, though my career was hit by three maternity leaves which doesn't help. Ultimately though, I feel like he can't blame me for the position we are now in, if anything it's his 'fault' - just as your DH chose to buy a car!

If ever we try to discuss this it results in a row. Would also appreciate tips for how to communicate calmly about money.

@Undisclosedlocation i think the point was at the time, we could afford it. I didn’t expect DH to buy another almost new car a few weeks later (I don’t think he did either!) and I hadn’t had my second baby then. As a broader point I agree I’ve been too passive and that’s what the thread is about. It’s hard to insist money is spent a certain way when you’re not the one earning it, though.

Sorry you’re also going through this @pistachioblue I did find that whenever I tried to present Dh with solutions it was just no, no, no. It does and did drive me mad and so SO hard to talk about without a blame game.

He is probably realising how much money he will lose selling a luxury car!

@midsummermornings

I know what you mean - I spent loads on children related stuff and activities when mine were small - just to get out of the house and have a bit of a treat here and there.

I think you need to sit down with your DH at the start of each month and draw up a budget for that month. All the usual standard stuff and then the decisions eg. this month, we need to buy DD a new car seat. We need to pay DS' football subs.

And you need to get a standard amount of money for "out and about treats etc" with the children, and then stick to that.

We do this and we use the "pots" in Starling bank accounts to divide it all up. So I know that there is "£100" in the "family spending" pot until 21 September. We can either blow the lot on a pub lunch Saturday when we go on a family day out, or we can take sandwiches and just buy an ice-cream for the kids, and then have more money the rest of the month.

We budget literally everything like this. At the start of the month, we work out who is having their hair cut, and that goes in a pot. Who do we need to buy a birthday present for? That goes in a pot ("Mum's Birthday Gift"). Are people coming over on Saturday meaning we need extra than our usual weekly shopping budget? (Extra Expenses Hosting Saturday Night).

And we divide the Groceries Shopping into Groceries Week 1, Week 2, Week 3 and Week 4, and there is £150 in each "pot". If you spend more in Week 1 than that, then you have to take it from Week 2 - and if you are not careful you will be left with not enough later in the month.

It is the only way that has worked for us (both in our separate ways historically have been pretty bad with money, me with not be able to resist spending it and DH with a kind of discalculia and tendency to not really be able to keep tabs on spending in his mind very well).

Does it boil down to different priorities?

He would rather see two reliable (shiny) cars on the drive and that you cut back on the unnecessary (fun) activities with kids, coffees out etc.

You'd rather have the flexibility to do nice things for the family and have a lesser car.

Neither is wrong but you can't do both and you need to figure out where the compromises are.

Go through every bill and see what you can shave off. The likes of Sky, BT, AA etc shoot up unless you threaten to leave. A day on the phone can make a big difference.

Identify how much is in the budget for family type spends and make sure you stick to it. That way you don't have to justify every soft play visit but there's a monthly limit you can't go over.

Do you take your own lunches etc? Can you cut back the food spend with better planning and batch cooking?

While the cars have pushed the issue over the edge, there is a wider problem that needs addressing and now you have them selling may not be cost effective.

and easier to be out and about which of course inevitably costs money, especially in summer. I am aware of this and am making a conscious plan to try to avoid it whilst also ensuring that they don’t miss out.

You've got 2 fancy cars, yet you're trying to reduce the amount of fun days out you have with your children in order to save money.

I think priorities are wrong.

It's always good to keep a track of things, and I agree, those days out with parking, snacks, entrance fees, little things here and there - they do add up with nothing tangible to show, but they're not comparable to a nearly new car.

I think this is where we run into difficulties as we don’t have a joint account that we use, so children related things end up being bought on an ad hoc basis and that tends to be me as I’m with them more. It is helpful to type this out … I’m thinking out loud.

@midsummermornings you are married and in law, share assets.

But you are still acting financially as if you are single.

You’re not a financial team.

You should be sitting down together and creating a financial plan that removes the resentment and blame scoring and creates financial goals that you are both invested in.

I don’t think he wants me to cut back on the childrens activities. He is frustrating me a bit at the moment but he isn’t like that.

THREE new cars on the drive?! Where is the third from. Why do you need three?

Sorry, but keeping finances separate, hiding things from him to save moaning etc. This is never going to improve. I’ve been there, done that got the T-shirt, the almost divorce and near bankruptcy. We are only just coming out the other side but everything is now joint and discussed. We are so much better off financially and emotionally.

I know @andthat but that is dependent on the other person too, and if they won’t then what can you do?

so SO hard to talk about without a blame game
This is why I would try putting a sugar coating on the bitter pill and going in from the aspect of "I appreciate X and Y" (if there really is something you appreciate haha!). It shifts out of that "blame" mindset, that's so easy to fall into. You're being nice to them, so they can't get out of the discussion by focusing on you being "horrible".

I’m not comfortable with how things are but it feels very much that as the much lower earner I’m at a disadvantage with challenging them
You need to work on this idea - think through it yourself, logically. Read what others have said on the topic, ask what others think about it. Convince yourself that you are not less worthy as a lower earner, or you won't be able to convince him. If he treats you the way you see yourself now, that really does put you at a disadvantage.
You're the head of this family, same as him.

@FawnFrenchieMum seriously, I don’t know why you’re screaming at me three pages into th thread when that was the whole point of the thread

DH had a car

We bought me a car

A few weeks later his head was turned by another car and he bought it.

That is literally what I’m annoyed about and you’re acting like I have done it!

This is pretty much what we do and I shared earlier on the post.

IMO they won’t get out of this situation until they start to do something similar.

@midsummermornings Im pretty sure most people assumed you had replaced an old car with the new one so still had two cars just two new ones and not acquired a third car. Three cars is financial madness.

I don't think this was clear at all. I assumed DHs new car was a replacement of an old car, not as well as.
That's just stupidity. There's really no use dealing with other expenses before you sort this ridiculous car situation. If he won't, ducks in a row.