Partner moved in now wants to bring cat

[Alyssah2]

So my partner moved in about a month ago after living with his parents. He has a pet cat. He moved in without the cat and things were going really well. Now his parents and he is saying he has to bring his cat because it’s not his parents responsibility to look after his cat. However I didn’t agree to having his cat stay with us and I wanted a pet free home. I had no intention to have a pet cat and I thought he understood that after he moved in without it. Now they’re saying they come as a package and I have to let his cat in, which I really don’t want to do. I feel that since it’s my house that I bought as a solo homebuyer that I should surely get a say in who I allow into my home. What would you do?

The cat is going to save you (please get him a box of catnip in appreciation) because now you don't need to tell delivery boy the truth: he's a looser and you don't fancy him enough to live with him so he needs to move out. This guy has the emotional maturity of a worm and is choosing his cat over his child, he's telling you were his priorities lie, listen to him and get ready to be a single mother. You might need to get a nanny and have the boyfriend come and take care of child a few hours a day (if he can manage to be separated from his cat a couple hours that is).

Be ready for his parents to hate you, call you "difficult person" and attempt all sorts of emotional blackmail because you won't take their cock lodger and his cat and they were very excited about the idea.

Take your power back now then and take control of the situation.
He's giving you 2 weeks to change your mind and give in to his demands.
Tell him he can go now.

Why wait two weeks. Sending him back now. You’ll be two weeks food bill richer.

I’m forcing myself to be a “family unit” as everyone says a 2 parent household is beneficial

You shouldn't be forcing yourself to have a relationship or live with someone you don't want to be with.

Can he co-parent from his parents'? Your baby is their grandchild, after all? Your baby might be a bit young at present but once older this man could take the baby for a couple of nights a week?

He doesn't have to live with you to co-parent.

And - the nights will get easier.

Sounds like the cat might be your "get out of jail" card.

Tell him that if he brings the cat to your house, you'll be rehoming it to a responsible owner.

It might be worth getting legal advice because, unless you have what you said in your first few posts in writing (that he isn't willing to contribute to the mortgage and won't be doing), he could argue that he believed the £200 a month was towards the mortgage.

If he can evidence an interest in the house (eg helped decorate it or has done work in the garden to improve it beyond weeding etc) then he could argue that he has helped towards the upkeep, costs, increased value of the house and thereby argue that he has a claim on it. Basically, he shouldn't be doing any more than would be required in a rental property of maintaining its current state, general housework. Nothing to improve it or pay for it.

I don't know the ins and outs. I'm not a lawyer and nor have I done this myself but I know a few people (well, women) who've moved their new partners in and have had cohabitation agreements written up with solicitors that detail exactly what he can and shouldn't do in relation to the house to prevent them having a claim.

How old is the baby now?

I think we’re assuming you are past the early stages, but if you’re only two weeks in then it’s a bit different- just a bit! Easier to understand why you haven’t had the energy to give him his marching papers yet.

Do you have any support from your family?

I'm in the unusual position of actively HOPING this entire thread is horseshit. The alternative is worse.

I’m forcing myself to be a “family unit” as everyone says a 2 parent household is beneficial

That doesn't mean that you force a family unit with a father who isn't suitable.

You don't have the option of having that perfect family unit with this man because he's shown you he has no respect for you or for your family unit.

You split up while you were pregnant and I don't think any of us need to by mystic Meg to be able to tell that you probably had very good reasons for the break up.

She already had one. He just decided to move in himself and also won't contribute financially.

If the OP stands firm on saying no to cat, I would bet that he'll stay anyway despite what he's saying now. He got to move out of his parents house and live for free essentially so I can't see him going back to his parents house.

Why not tell him the truth? She should be telling him the truth and showing she's not going to be walked all over.

I wouldn't be so sure that he won't stay if the cat doesn't get to move in, he's got to move out of his parents for £200 a month, which is what he was paying for maintenance anyway so he essentially got to move out for free.

Even if she stands firm on the cat I can't see him leaving (except calling her bluff to manipulate her).

You’re right, once he realises he’s loosing this amazing deal because of a bloody cat he might tell her “ it’s ok to not keep the cat” and she’ll be screwed, better to be honest, specially if she’s planning for him to help her out with the baby. What a mess, I feel very sorry for the cat and the child who are inoccent victims of human adults stupid decisions.

He isnt going to leave easily. He is a bully.

Tell him to fuck off now.

He won't leave easily. He is calling your bluff.

Would you happily move home with your parents in his situation? Of course not! He's just trying to manipulate you as he thinks you'll be scared of him leaving you.

Tell him to pack his bags and go tomorrow.
Come on now op, you already know what you have to do. You've told US what a prick he is. You don't need advice. You need to do what you already know you should do. Even though it'll be hard. Rip the plaster off.

I reckon the opposite.

He'll use the cat against you. In 2 weeks time it will be...." but the cat is settled here now"...how can I move out & get hom/'her settled at my parents again. Or "but your daughters loves the cat, are you going to make her part from it".

The longer he stays the harder it will be to get him to leave.

Good luck.

He said he’ll give me a couple of weeks to think about the cat or he’ll move back to his parents. He won’t be paying any extra until the cat is here.

You should tell him that you don’t need a couple of weeks to decide this, the cat is never welcome. And that him paying towards bills & food is also not up for debate - if he wants to stay, he needs to pay £200 towards the baby, and £600 towards rent & bills.

As others have said, be careful he doesn’t decide to let the cat stay at parents, and not move out .

This is your house and your life, so you call the shots, not him.

Why can't you get him out today? If he won't go call the police. You're being v passive about this.

This isn’t a family unit. This is him manipulating you.
He’s putting a CAT above his child. He pays nothing towards your bills and household outgoings.
He sounds like a child himself and although he might be dressing it up as ‘helping’ by staying, all he’s actually doing is staying with you rent free and being a parent. He can be a parent and not live with you.

Take back some control over your life.
Change the locks and pack up his stuff.
If you need more support, contact Homestart. Speak to friends and family and reach out to your nearest children’s centre. You don’t need him under your roof to be a good parent.

Of course he has no claim on your house.
He is just a hobo that you have had a child with and pushed into your house.
what an absolute loser.

He doesn't get to decide how long he stays.
Tell him leave.
Keep the key in the door.
Gather his shit and put it outside the door.

Call 101 for advice and support.
He is a loser.
His family know it.
I bet the cat even knows it.
Time you woke up to the fact.
Get him out NOW.

@Alyssah2

So sounds to me as if his parents are only too glad to foist him off on you. Says a lot about him, doesn't it? They've come up with some pretty stupid and self-serving 'good reasons' why he is now your problem, haven't they? Reasons that he can use as justification. Don't swallow that bilge water. You don't owe him a damned thing. And having a baby with him certainly doesn't make you responsible for him.

As far as you being a 'family unit', you really aren't. Just living in the same house doesn't make a family, especially when the relationship is so one-sided and unfair (to you). A family is a group of people (small or large) who mutually support each other physically, emotionally, and financially. And who have each other's best interests at heart. That's definitely NOT him. In fact, he's quite the opposite, isn't he?

As far as a 'family' being best for a child, sure, if it's a loving, healthy, and cooperative family. But a family where there is no love on either side and advantage-taking on one side and (valid) resentment the other is NOT a healthy nor a cooperative family. In cases like yours, it's better to simply coparent or even 'go it alone' if the other party cannot cooperatively coparent. Whether or not you realize it, having him there is stressful for you, probably more stressful than any 'help' he gives you. If he was gone, there would be less stress on you, you'd be able to find your parenting 'rhythm' and be fine.

You do realize, don't you, that any day now he's going to just show up at your door with the cat in his arms? Because it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. What are you prepared to do when that happens? Give it a 'trial run'?

You've picked quite the winner to be the father of your baby....

I'd get him out now, while you can.

I don't understand why you don't just tell him to go now.

I also don't understand why you are allowing this man to dictate terms on a house he doesn't own. You could change the locks today, and he wouldn't be able to get back in again unless you allowed him to... that's how much of a percentage he owns (i.e. a big fat ZERO!!!)

What I don't understand when I read a story like this, is how someone can be so passive in their own life. It's not like we're talking about someone deciding to order your meal for you in a restaurant, or choosing where you go on holiday. Although I wouldn't be happy about that either.

If everything is absolutely as told here, he's quids in and having a really easy stroll through life, while the OP is being dictated to, not only by him, but his parents as well.

She has a newborn.