Partner moved in now wants to bring cat

[Alyssah2]

So my partner moved in about a month ago after living with his parents. He has a pet cat. He moved in without the cat and things were going really well. Now his parents and he is saying he has to bring his cat because it’s not his parents responsibility to look after his cat. However I didn’t agree to having his cat stay with us and I wanted a pet free home. I had no intention to have a pet cat and I thought he understood that after he moved in without it. Now they’re saying they come as a package and I have to let his cat in, which I really don’t want to do. I feel that since it’s my house that I bought as a solo homebuyer that I should surely get a say in who I allow into my home. What would you do?

😂

OP said he has £0 savings. So he’s not saving.

Is the Csa involved?

Here’s what I don’t understand: how has he not had a raise in 12 years (at least—possibly more) of working?

Take the cat.

Get rid of the cocklodger.

I’m joking about adopting the cat… But seriously, being single is not that bad and he doesn’t seem to be benefiting your life much. I’d get him to leave x

This isn’t real, no way can it be real. You have a child and what are you teaching the kid? That it’s acceptable for dad to be a loser and mum to pay for everything. Get rid of him. There’s nothing wrong with being a single mum at all. This is ridiculous.

To be fair they both sound very young.

And the OP is probably being housed by the council/taxpayer so let's not hold her up as some paragon of virtue.

OP has stated that she has a mortgage on her own home, and the guy is 30.

OP, if this is actually 100% real, you’re a pushover.

Bro is literally saving money by living with you. Paying £200 for “child maintenance” while paying sod all else, and getting EVERYTHING else for free. Don’t you see he’s using you?

if he cared about you and your child, he would be contributing towards household bills so that you didn’t have to do this alone. All he’s done is given you another mouth to feed whilst saving himself some money. Which I guarantee isn’t going to go back on kiddo.

You owe him nothing. You owe his parents nothing. Kick him out and start putting your baby first again.

@Alyssah2 ok you need to think long and hard. But take control back in your life. Speak to him today and tell him what you expect. This doesn't mean that you're causing trouble, it means that you are a strong Mother reclaiming control in your own life. Rightfully so too. Tell him you want every bill split and if he does not want to do this, to go and pay rent elsewhere. His name isn't on your mortgage so he lives there for free? Come on! He should be paying rent to you to live there. Along with half of all other household bills. And half of the costs to feed, wash and clothe a baby. To raise his child. People give you the respect that you command and right now you are not commanding the respect you deserve. Please at least think about this. "This is what I want, this is a reasonable expectation and if you will not do this, then I would like you to make alternative living arrangements because you are not respecting me. And any decent man pays his way."

Trust me, do not be scared to say it incase he leaves. He definitely will not.

Then you need a 'moving in' conversation. Cat and all.

I’m 29 and he’s 30. Not being housed by the council. I have my own mortgage and saved for the deposit by myself. I have a good career and income. Judgy much

@Timetoheal4good Tell him you want every bill split .

First thing she needs to figure out if she wants to live with delivery man or not. She claims to need help with her baby (fair enough) but a 200 pounds cocklodger that comes with a cat will probably turn out to be a more painful Nannie than any hired help. The fact that he’s swiftly moved in without asking first is a massive red flag and makes me thinks this is going to be one entitled cocklodger.

You are in a strong, secure position. Don’t undermine that without planning and consideration.

At the moment he doesn’t see to offer much.

He doesn’t get to live with you because he got you pregnant or has a child.

You need to plan - you on your own, then both of you together. Stop sleepwalking, so your baby has two great parents not one great parent and a dopey one.

Frame it positively- it’s not because he’s useless or not pulling his weight, it’s so you can plan for the future.

If he were the mum moving in with the dad, I’d say the same. As a couple, you need to jointly plan childcare and pension provision, as well as accommodation and future security for you both. You need a ‘what if we split up?’ Plan and so does he.

Take his key. And/or change the locks.

He's a useless sponger.

Literally does he have any good qualities?

“Literally does he have any good qualities?”

Must admit, I was wondering what his redeeming qualities were. Unless I missed it, I don’t recall op saying once how they gave good fun together, enjoyable going out for meals, cinema, gigs together etc , although if they do go out , I guess op pays, as she’s the higher earner (despite she has a mortgage, bills to pay, and he spends his money on takeaways).

Yog’re a strong, independent woman, op. For some reason, , this situation is making your rationale reasoning go down the drain. If this was a friend, what would you advise?

I think you need to be really careful here and I'd suggest you get proper advice quickly from a solicitor regarding the house. Also, cats cause a lot of wear and tear on a house. Is the money he is agreeing to pay even covering his own living expenses, let alone a share of his child's and the wear and tear of a cat. I'd be very worried you're going to end up financially subbing him for the foreseeable future and beyond. It seems like his parents have seen their opportunity to move him on from their house.

It's not okay that he's moved in by stealth. That isn't respectful behaviour and it's a long way from what you'd agreed. For that alone, he'd be firmly moved back out. I'd decide what I didn't mind him having at my house for the small number of nights I'd agreed he could stay, but would give him a deadline to have packed up the rest and have it gone. Otherwise, I'd pack it and leave it next to the front door.

Have you actually asked him to leave.

Get the spare key back off him.

I obviously have to think very long and hard about this because the alternative is me being stuck alone as a single mum and struggling to find anyone else to take me and my child on.

Firstly, there is nothing wrong with being a single mum.

Secondly, finding someone willing to 'take on' you and your child is the wrong way of looking at it. It's absolutely fine to be single until you meet someone you are truly compatible with, whom you love and who loves you and loves your child too.

At the moment, you have the illusion of a family unit in that there is a man a woman and a child living in the same house.

If you were truly a family unit, him moving in would have been discussed, finances would have been discussed and arranged fairly and appropriately and you wouldn't have started this thread.

As it is, he pays you a modest amount of child maintenance whilst you house and feed him and cover all his other living expenses and you didn't even ask him to be there! And he's just found a really low cost, low effort way of moving out of his parents house.

Right, if you want this to stop you are in complete control here.

And as someone who is a single mother with their own home let me tell you to stop thinking about that magical family unit. You have the absolute holy fucking grail, you have a child, you have financial independence, you have a stable roof over yours and your childs head, you can live life exactly as you please.

The bloke - you bag all of his stuff off and drop it back at his parents or put it by the front door if you don't drive. You tell him that the situation had got carried away and you are not happy with it and he is to move back to his parents there and then. It's not up for discussion, you are an adult and in control, you don't want to be in a relationship with him and you are going to focus on you and the baby. He can see the baby A, B, C nights from x - Y time and can read him a story over facetime 6pm every other night or whatever suits you

Help with the baby - if you don't have family help you can buy it in and it'll be much cheaper than carrying this cocklodger, mothers help, au pair, nanny, babysitters, child minders, nurserys, Home start volunteers there is a whole industry of childcare out thereto find what works for your situation.

struggling to find anyone else to take me and my child on.

This sentence strikes me for many reasons. Partly, because he hasn't taken you on.

You've taken him on. You're literally housing him and paying his bills.

He needs to make a financial contribution - he cannot live there FOC - hes taking the piss and so are his parents if thats what they say. Tell him he needs to be a lodger or rent a room in your house.

If he doesnt agree to this kick him out. Pack his bags and send him on his way.

If you're not going to kick him out at least get him to pay half the bills. £200 contribution even on minimum wage is pathetic.

That is absolutely 100% spot on.

OP, it's the feeling that was underpinning my post but I just couldn't articulate it properly.

Taking someone on implies assuming a responsibility for them that includes some sort of sacrifice/imposition.

How you might 'take on' ensuring an elderly relative's bills are paid if they're no longer capable, or 'take on' extra help at work to alleviate someone else's workload stress, or 'take on' doing all the drop offs for a child's hobby because their parent is ill.

Relationships are supposed to be mutual and equal and yours simply isnt.

No one should be taking anyone on in a relationship.