Just went on a date with a gentleman.

[bloodyplasticbag]

I'm not used to this.
He seems kind, loving and
Speaks highly of the mother of his children . They have grown apart.
They have a child with very complex needs whom
They both adore but have not been in love with each other for many years.

He seems so kind, compassionate and loving and I've never been used to this.
I may sound cynical but I have not had this experience before .

It's my second time
meeting him.
As gentle and kind and lovely as when we met.
I feel it's too good to be true.
He's attractive , fit, healthy looking, wealthy and just so nice .
I'm
Hyper vigilant . Scared . Untrusting.
What the hell os wrong with me ???

The moral of the story OP is to keep your happiness to yourself 😂.

I know lots of separated couples who are not divorced. Some have been separated for decades (one almost three decades) and they won’t bother with divorce unless wishing to remarry. Two of the ex’s don’t even live on the same continent as their wives. None of them are Irish.

I would urge you to be cautious and take it slowly, but I would urge that to everyone, especially those with children. That advice is nothing to do with your divorced/separated status.

It might work, it might not. But you’re giving it a go, which is great. I wish you all the best!

Exactly this! I have a son and I'm shocked at the responses here. So we have a good experience after 2 dates where OP is wondering if this is too much to be true. First post nailed it on reading into being hurt before by an individual and an appropriate response. Lo and behold he must be completely divorced despite the explanation.

OP if you have had a good time, enjoy it and go on another date, you are understandably wary, but be open and safe.

I say this as a good friend told me to be open and there are good guys out there, that was 16 years ago and I'm happily married.

@bloodyplasticbag I just had the same, met the perfect gentleman and all my alarm bells went crazy.

Somewhere I read that the best relationships happen with those who make you feel relaxed and peaceful. If not, it is your subconscious telling you to stay away.

I am no longer dating Mr Perfect for the following reasons or at least this is what I concluded them to be:

First I was afraid I was not going to be good enough for him, but it wasn’t that.

What I realised is that I am very proud of what I have achieved since I divorced and didn’t want to lose it by trying to mould myself to his life.

I am proud of the income I have and the work I do, which is peanuts considering his wealth. I didn’t want to be perceived as the poor party in the relationship or for my job to be seen as not good enough.

My exh often said “I earn more, therefore your jobs gives way to mine”. Someway I felt that by allowing Mr Perfect to be the “main earner” the balance of power was gping to be disturbed.

And finally, if his former wife was so loved and perfect, would his family and friend’s would accept me?

It was too painful, the more perfect he appeared the more afraid I was to loose him, which was making me fall for him quicker for the wrong reasons.

OP you're being a bit dismissive of responses here. In your own words - you feel it's too good to be true and you're scared and untrusting. If people are saying trust your gut, they're only listening to your assessment of the situation.
I'm afraid I'd agree with them - he sounds very Mr Perfect which of course is not the case else his wife wouldn't be so happy to separate from him, especially with the stress and heartbreak already of their son needing to go to a school 50 miles away. How old is the son?
Why is the guy so sure that you're the one after just 2 dates? Have you met online before? If not I'd be cautious he's just enjoying the attention after years with the same woman and might move on in no time - I hope not but that seems to be the MO these days - he's from online dating isn't he?

I split with my exH nearly 2 years ago and we are still married. In NZ it is mandatory to be separated for 2 years before you can even file. I probably won’t be divorced until March next year … longer if he drags the chain (which I fully expect him to, just to be a dick). We completed our asset separation/financial agreement nearly a year ago, I’ve bought him out of the family home, we both have new partners. I’d hate it if my lovely (gentleman) DP wrote me off because I was “a married woman”, though he does draw the line at proposing while I’m still married to awful exH 😂

I hope it all goes well with The Gentleman @bloodyplasticbag I was lucky enough to meet one too after 21 years with someone who very much was not one. It’s lovely ❤️

See you’re in Ireland and seperate process but I don’t agree with this if only separated don’t date till divorce finalised. Mine took 3 years to sort since separating, and there was nothing contentious. Of course people who’re separated should be considered worthy of dating. I don’t necessarily see red flags, except that when going got tough with his ex their relationship crumbled…it’s easy to be in love when it’s all fun and I’d want a partner in it for long run. But I think however good someone sounds, you should keep your expectations low initially, take time, get to know them they need to prove their character.

She still hasn’t answered the questions as to whether his version of events are actually evidenced or just what he has told her, so really all of this positive affirmations of someone she’s met up with twice, could be leading her into a shitty situation. You need to ask the right questions OP, and not progress things romantically until you know how things really are- not just what he tells you. Because otherwise you’ll be one year down the line with him making all kinds of excuses not to introduce you into his world. Ask the right questions. Has his wife dated, did either of them hope for a reconciliation, how would she feel about him dating, at what point would he introduce a new partner to friends and family etc. of course you can take the risk, get full on sexually and romantically involved and just see what happens later down the line, I just personally wouldn’t do that, as I did that once before, and the guy was an out and out liar, who professed all sorts, but the real picture was very different. So like some have said, yes there are those of us who are speaking from our own experience and would never again date a “seperated” man, or get too involved with someone where we only have their word for everything they say.

Wow, some of these responses...!

OP, stick it out and see where it goes, but just with caution thats all.
Not sure why the negative Nellie's have issues and are so suspicious (Yes, i've been hurt many times before too). But the fact that being kind and gentlemanly is so rare now that everyone is automatically suspicious of this bahviour is so sad.

It might not be what he appears to be at face value... but equally, it could, and there could be an abundance of happiness to come. We'd never get anywhere in life if we didn't take a risk, so just roll with it (with caution)... as that's the only way to find out!

Only on MN would someone ask to meet an ex after 2 dates. Jeez.

I am sort of person who thinks that trust is earned. Two dates in nothing has been earned yet. His separation would be something I would be keen to verify.

It's early days OP. Just see how it goes.

Presumably he won't be on holiday there much longer. Be casual and gauge it when he is back home. Will you plan to meet? Where? Will he meet you halfway/make the trip for the meet?

If things turn out well, that is great.
If they don't, then you had a good few dates out with someone and then you carry on.

Everyone is usually on their best behaviour at first, but also that is when we get our first impressions of people.

I separated 6 years ago and still not divorced, if I had the spare money I'd get it done but I don't right now (and there's 0% chance he'll pay his share as he's too busy splashing the cash on his latest victim so it's all down to me).

Why shouldn't I date? Or should I live a life of celibacy until I find the money? I live on my own, own my own home,I don't even speak to him (I only did recently to tell him the cat had died as we got her when we were together so it felt right to tell him).

There's absolutely no chance I'd go back to him if he was the last man alive (I'd rather be celibate).

I'm fed up of this view that if you aren't divorced you can't date and it's a red bloody flag when each person is different.

Surely there are nice men out there who don't come with so much baggage?

I remember very clearly my best friend (at the time) telling me that the guy I was dating was too good to be true (PhD, polite, well off, charming and handsome). She absolutely despised him and could see red flags everywhere.
Luckily I ignored her and we've been happily married for 29years. Even he had a bit of a past, once you get past mid twenties, everyone has a past.
Just enjoy your dates with him, don't put too much pressure on yourself to make him "the one". Take it date by date and see what happens.

Just go with the flow. There are decent blokes out there and it's natural to be cautious when you've been hurt before.

'I hope all the posters on here berating this guy down to the ground don't have sons. And if they do have sons, your sons aren't exempt of separating when they're older.

Or is it just every other man you hate apart from your precious sons.

There's a lot of posters on here that clearly hate men or the first reason to bash them down, they will, but I wonder if they hold the same threshold with their mummies boys'

@M340

Completely this! It's giving 'my boy could never' but every other bloke would according to them.

It is indeed weird and also sad when you're treated well and how you should be after years of not. I would be cautious and guarded still, but I do hope all future dates with him go well!!

My thoughts too - though I suspect societal and family expectations/norms/pressures, obviously play a large part in many cases, rather than the individuals private religious beliefs.

All of this . Enjoy…many people are separated ,but not actually divorced for various reasons!

Oh mums net sometimes makes my eyes roll straight to the back of my head. Some couples can be separated without actually being divorced. I was such. And thankfully my now husband understood at the time.

You just have to be careful, it’s someone you barely know, they could be amazing they could be a bellend. Part of the dating process is finding out which - the bellends do tend to reveal themselves fairly quickly though. Good luck 🤞

Absolutely this!!

I hope it all works out well you for OP but most people only show their best selves at first (women included).

Take things slowly and just enjoy having fun.

If things work out, then great.
If not, then at least you had fun.

Yes, definitely!