Just went on a date with a gentleman.

[bloodyplasticbag]

I'm not used to this.
He seems kind, loving and
Speaks highly of the mother of his children . They have grown apart.
They have a child with very complex needs whom
They both adore but have not been in love with each other for many years.

He seems so kind, compassionate and loving and I've never been used to this.
I may sound cynical but I have not had this experience before .

It's my second time
meeting him.
As gentle and kind and lovely as when we met.
I feel it's too good to be true.
He's attractive , fit, healthy looking, wealthy and just so nice .
I'm
Hyper vigilant . Scared . Untrusting.
What the hell os wrong with me ???

Yeah I think people are missing the cultural difference. I know quite a few people who are separated, none are in a rush to divorce, often until people want to remarry they don't see a point in it. My ils are separated 30 years, each have had new partners for over 20yrs, they can't be bothered divorcing as they don't plan to marry their new partners, one of who is still married themselves.

I'd just take it slow OP and enjoy it. If he is a wrong one it will come out in time but going a little slowly and cautiously never hurt anyone.

I honestly don't understand all the posters who are banging on about 'don't date him, he's not single'!

He's separated...living apart...presumably going through the process of divorce given that they are mediating.

My divorce took 5 years (due to us a) not really starting the process in any great hurry, then b) many unforeseen complications once we did finally start!)

I was dating after about a year. I was definitely 'single' as a 'state of being'. Should I (or my ex) have waited 5 years to date again??

Still...I'd always, always proceed with caution no matter what the circumstances are. That's just common sense really...so OP, trust your gut on this and protect yourself. If it feels off, it feels off 🤷‍♀️

Loads of bizarre responses on here. He sounds lovely. Take it slowly and see where it goes. I don't see any red flags!

Well the gist of the post was that you have met the perfect Prince Charming but that you just can’t relax enough to fully give your trust. It’s been two dates, and to me, the gushing tone of your message shows that he has lovebombed you right off your feet.

I don't understand how he shares the care of his son.

He lives so far away from his son's school that he's on holiday in the area his son's school is?

OP, my SIL is separated, in Ireland over 7 years and has dated some lovely decent caring men. You are right to be cautious and question if he is too nice but don’t let that be to the detriment of you meeting a potential partner. Go with the flow and enjoy it, keep your eyes peeled for red flags but none of what you listed would overly concern me.

Not that unusual of the son goes to a special school, there will often have large catchment areas, especially in rural areas or if it is a school catering for low incidence disabilities or students whose needs are especially complex. I work in a special school and some children travel well over an hour each day to get there. The child’s parents are also separated, perhaps the mum lives nearer the school.

No, many of us come from decades-long, happy marriages, and have watched far too many women we know make really stupid choices, ignoring red flag after red flag, complicating their lives enormously, only to end in tears and trauma to the surprise of absolutely no one.

If more women would start being their own best friend, listen to the gut feelings they have, use their intelligence and stop giving every smooth talking twat the benefit of the doubt, the world would be a much better place.

OP where did you meet him?

You've found out an awful lot about him in just two dates.

Hope it all goes well for you both

Ok
He lives 50 miles from
His sons nearest special school.
He holidays 30 miles from
His nearest town.
I live here.
He lives 50
Miles the other way.
We don't care about our special children over here.
They are last on a very long list of priorities .
They go on buses for hours every day .
And that is if they are lucky to get a place in their special
School.

We're chatting for the last few months so yes we've chatted about our children.

Hmm I'd be wary of dating someone who's going through a divorce - why do they need to go through mediation if they get on so well and think highly of each other? Can they not just sort things out between themselves? He also has a lifelong commitment with a child with additional needs. Whilst it's commendable that he's an involved and caring parent, this is going to impact on his time when it comes to your relationship, are you prepared for that? I'd proceed slowly and carefully, you really don't know him much after 2 dates!

Give him a chance. He sounds like a good guy. He is clearly a good father bringing his son away on his own. I know loads of people who are depressed and not divorced. Nothing ventured nothing gained..

What are the other red flags?

Throw this one back. Definitely not to be trusted. You can do so much better than this.

I think the biggest red flag is the op posting here asking for people's opinions. If she felt secure in this relationship, she wouldn't feel the need to.

He sounds nice. Take your time and take it all very slowly and see how it goes.

Ignore the posters who can’t be arsed to read all the posters who state divorce is different in Ireland. (We have a 58 year old Irish friend who’s been separated for 10 years and won’t divorce until his mum dies. Everyone, including his live in partner accepts this.)

Only the man though, it seems on other posts I’ve seen that it is ok for the woman to date after being separated a month and still living in the same house!

OP honestly I wouldn’t bother with this thread, too many will look for negatives and find fault, depressing. Good luck, hope it works out for you, enjoy yourself.

You know what, OP. I’ll go against the grain and say, fuck it, there are nice men out there. I’ve just found one (fingers crossed!!!) and hopefully you have too.

Just take it slow, be open with one another, and don’t compromise on any of your boundaries.

Wish you all the best, even if this doesn’t work out 💐

There's probably very good reason for this. Men very, very typically are keen to replace their now defunct domestic appliance as quickly as humanly possible. Hence why so many women end up being the skivvy and child minder to their new boyfriend's kids in a matter of weeks.

Nothing wrong with falling in love, just so long as you realise he'll end up being a wanker in 1/2/3/4 years (delete as appropriate)

Have you asked whether those of us who think someone should get divorced if they have broken up for real, only consider that to be the case for the man? There are far too many men who use the “I’m separated” line. If someone is truly broken up, they aren’t legally single unless they are divorced. It’s just sound advice, because lots of men get women into very complicated situations with the “I’m separated” card. I’m sure women do it to men also, it just seems more common with men, as for many they consider unhappiness/ not getting sex from their wife as being “separated”, some are genuinely seperated, but do you really want to date someone who hasn’t officially ended their last relationship? There’s something icky about it, they are still married no matter how you try to dress it up, it’s a massive grey area. Like someone else said, mediation when they get on so well? Paying solicitors? Really! Are you sure this guy wants to break up with his wonderful wife? I wouldn’t just be wary of this situation, I wouldn’t be getting myself involved. If he’s serious about you he’ll get in touch once the divorce and emotions of the divorce are over.

DP and I met when we were both separated. We're still together 10 years later. And it takes much longer to get divorced in Ireland than in UK. You need to be living apart for several years. So he may well be genuine.