Just went on a date with a gentleman.

[bloodyplasticbag]

I'm not used to this.
He seems kind, loving and
Speaks highly of the mother of his children . They have grown apart.
They have a child with very complex needs whom
They both adore but have not been in love with each other for many years.

He seems so kind, compassionate and loving and I've never been used to this.
I may sound cynical but I have not had this experience before .

It's my second time
meeting him.
As gentle and kind and lovely as when we met.
I feel it's too good to be true.
He's attractive , fit, healthy looking, wealthy and just so nice .
I'm
Hyper vigilant . Scared . Untrusting.
What the hell os wrong with me ???

OP is in Ireland. Divorce is not the norm in Ireland, separation is widespread.

Gotta love Mumsnet for the negativity! If you feel good vibes OP, go for it.

Things that are too good to be true, a warning
Keep saying that to yourself, things normally aren’t all they seem, if too good to be true.

That wasn't the question. The question was how does the op feel about it. Not about what may or may not be normal.

Avoiding him!

I’m divorced, and in Ireland. I dated while separated, and I’ve dated separated men. So I’m open-minded about it. But I recently stopped dating someone who was embarking on the mediation/divorce journey (wife moved in with someone else, house will go on the market, children embarking on EOW, his heartache) I just couldn’t take on the emotional labour that would entail for me. I felt he didn’t really understand the angst that was ahead of him, and I didn’t want to be the advisor or person to lean on. Very nice guy, wrong time.

I think it’s sad though @rosyvalentine 😢 It’s a long time for them to be completely alone.

Go for a fab cat, not the same, great companions , listen to you , don’t cheat or lie🤣, or have wives
i jest of course

A lot of women come to these forums when they've been badly treated or abused in relationships, sometimes repeatedly. Some of the stories are horrific. Women aren't wrong to be cautious, so that's going to influence the advice they're going to give.

It's only the second date, so there's a lot of getting to know someone still ahead of you. People can be incompatible without either part being a shitbag.

Personally, I wouldn't like it if someone was still married. It can be a complicated process obviously, but I'd be concerned that despite what they say about moving on, that they're harbouring secret feelings or fantasies about getting back together, and once more being a happy family one day.

There are cultural differences there that you just don’t understand.

Why is he dating when he is not single? Ask him point blank.

Why shouldn't he date? My exDH and I have been separated for over 20 years but are not divorced. I've had the odd date, and he has probably had more. We are not in Ireland btw.

He sounds lovely OP. Ignore the usual man-haters on MN who have obviously never found a good one and tar all the others with the same brush.

@Peachy2005 I agree, but in a strange twist, mine have semi-reunited. Turns out they get on much better when not actually living together 🤷‍♀️

Well, you can be separated if you're living apart and waiting for a divorce to go through. That was the situation with my late husband and his ex. In those days, they had to wait for a no fault divorce (Scotland).

There was a house buy-out and he then took out a mortgage on a place of his own.

This.

Love your username OP.

My now hubby and I dated when we were both separated and not divorced. My divorce was ridiculously lengthy as my narc ex wanted to contest it on grounds that the marriage had not retrievably broken down!!!! Never heard something so ridiculous in my entire life! 😂 😆 😂 😆 Silly man.

OP just enjoy it for what it is. He sounds like a nice guys and people fall out of love and stay for the kids, it’s pretty common. MN posters will find red flags in every situation 😂🙈 good guys do exist.

Nah it’s also common within a lot of African cultures too among the older generations, but I think the younger generations are different. Maybe some Asian cultures too.

I find it so uncomfortable though and wouldn’t entertain a man who was legally married. I always think - imagine falling pregnant (if contraception fails) to someone’s husband or having a boyfriend legally married to someone else.

Just curious, from reading this thread, is it possible that the separation with required mediation process is less acrimonious than the divorce process?

Yeah I think this is the wider issue. Most of their communication hasn’t been in person - they’ve just met twice in person so she’s just getting to know him really. He could be nice he could be nasty. Time will tell.

Moreso than the UK?

One of my closest friends and her husband separated and he took their children on holiday and met his now wife. It happens! He is also a genuinely lovely bloke and him and my friend were really happy for a very long time until they weren't.

OP you are in charge of protecting your own heart but, if it feels right to put it out there a little, do it!

@lazybrownfox A contested divorce in Ireland could cost up to €20,000. Even an uncontested divorce will cost an absolute minimum of €2k - €4K which I believe is more than twice the cost of same in UK. Hence many separated couples in Ireland only bother to divorce if they wish to remarry. Financial settlements and child custody arrangements can be dealt with via the legal separation process so there's really no added benefit to divorce, unless as I said, you wish to remarry.

I’d say the benefit to divorcing is so that you’ve actually ended one relationship before you start another…so you’re not legally and financially tied to someone else, when splitting assets is surely inevitable if you truly are actually both going to move on with your lives separately. The whole point of divorce not being an easy process was so that people don’t enter into marriage lightly, there will always be financial and emotional costs to ending a marriage. Have you even asked him OP if he plans to divorce, or will this be the set up forever? I personally would not knowingly want to have a relationship with someone who is still married on paper, and it’s rarely that black and white anyway. Also you never answered the question about whether she knows about you, or knows he is dating? Also didn’t answer various other questions on the thread, like whether the things “you know”, are from his lips only, or genuine facts. Is his wife dating/open to dating?

These are the questions you should ask him. Ask to meet his lovely ex wife before you sleep with him. Once you do that, considering you’re falling for him already, you might find it hard to turn back if things aren’t quite how he’s said they are. Why did they separate?

It is incredibly common in England as well, many (many) people do not divorce until they want to get married to a specific woman/man they are already serious about.