Just went on a date with a gentleman.

[bloodyplasticbag]

I'm not used to this.
He seems kind, loving and
Speaks highly of the mother of his children . They have grown apart.
They have a child with very complex needs whom
They both adore but have not been in love with each other for many years.

He seems so kind, compassionate and loving and I've never been used to this.
I may sound cynical but I have not had this experience before .

It's my second time
meeting him.
As gentle and kind and lovely as when we met.
I feel it's too good to be true.
He's attractive , fit, healthy looking, wealthy and just so nice .
I'm
Hyper vigilant . Scared . Untrusting.
What the hell os wrong with me ???

Of course there are OP. In several years of online dating, I never met any guys (to my knowledge anyway) who pretended to be separated but were in fact actually still married. Nor have any of my friends. I do think it's less likely in Ireland though, where everyone literally knows someone who knows someone else. It would be much harder to get away with than in UK I think. I'm sure it happens, but probably less so. Best of luck with your new romance!

You wouldn’t not divorce for religious reasons but then havea relationship with someone else, how hypocritical is that

Yes, if it's between bringing a married man into her and her child's life or staying single, she should definitely stay single. As if that's the only options available to her. 🙄

OP there are definitely good ones out there he sounds lovely. Your right to keep a bit of guard up given early days and being hurt in the past.

Just enjoy it, take it slow and have fun.
I don't see a flag in being separated and not yet divorced that can take a significant amount of time.

Sometimes MN can jump straight on to day red flag but if a woman comes on saying process of ex H divorcing should I go on a dates the answer is of course! Take it all with a pinch of salt.

My mind is blown: my parents (Irish) have been separated for 35 years but never bothered actually divorcing either…I just didn’t realise it was so common and purely an Irish thing. For my dad, thinking about it now, it would probably be religious reasons (in his mind he is still married and would never be with anyone else) and my mum’s partner (of 35 years) is separated too so they were never interested in getting remarried. I always assumed it was more of a “who would be mad enough to bother getting married a second time” kind of thing.

Anyway @bloodyplasticbag I hope the new guy genuinely is a really nice guy and you can take it at an easy pace and see. Good luck!

Now now, the OP herself said he seems to good to be true. Ding ding. Also said he's only single because he and wife drifted apart. Ding ding. You dont know someone after a couple of dates hence my saying falling in love is wonderful, it truly is. Its the best drug in the world, but it rarely lasts especially 2nd time around.

We were asking if she’s even established these things as facts. She only had the story he had told regarding living arrangements. Even if he is living separately it doesn’t mean they aren’t working it out. In a situation like this, if it’s as he said it is, he should be able to freely speak about other relationships with the ex wife he gets on so well with, if it’s a secret, then it’s just any other affair with tons of grey areas.

He's not a married man!! He's separated. It's been explained. It's a different process in Ireland. I have a friend whose marriage broke up 12 years ago. She's still in the process of getting divorced. Should she let her life pass by without dating just because she hasn't completed her divorce procedure? Of course not. Her marital status is "Separated". That doesn't mean someone is lying or being deceitful.
Besides that OP I would recommend taking it slowly. Having been cheated on it's understandable that you are more cautious. He sounds like a good one, hopefully he is

@Changingeveryday I can't speak for all Irish, religious-leaning separated couples, but my separated, non-divorced parents don't have any interest in having a relationship with anyone else 🤣

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth-family-relationships/separation-and-divorce/divorce-decrees/

Divorce law in Ireland, in case anyone is interested. I'd echo what other posters have said - separated-but-not-divorced is incredibly common here, separation is a formal status with legal obligations, and mediation

@AreWeThereYet69 it's just too much present tense for me, makes it sound like they're still together with the whole "they've grown apart", could just be the way OP has worded it herself though. That's my only red flag.

@Peachy2005 My dad is exactly the same! 😄

Divorce is really not that common in Ireland. Leaving, meeting someone else, affairs, blended families, step parents… Totally normal in the UK. Not so much here.

Posted too soon!

Mediation is the amicable route for couples who aren't at each other's throats. So none of those things are red flags in this scenario.

Doesn't mean he's the one, OP, but I wish you luck!

I agree.

There are some very rabid posters on MN, obviously quite damaged, who see the absolute worst in every relationship situation. And post a lot, in a very negative way. Just bear in mind they are seeing things through their own lens.

I agree about Irish divorces, I've known someone who is still "married" but has lived over here in Scotland and not seen their spouse in over 20 years! Waiting for his Mum to pass before getting a divorce as "the shame would kill her" apparently

So OP, how do you feel about him always being someone else’s husband while you maybe date, cohabitate together? Are you cool with that, (if what he’s saying is the truth to begin with) contrary to what someone above said, someone separated IS a married man. Until they are divorced, they are legally married.

Ignore those who are bitter and twisted on here. He sounds lovely and I hope he proves to you that there are some wonderful men out there. Good luck OP 🌷

It's only your second time meeting him, so be careful.

She also said they have been chatting (presumably online messaging) for a while. It's not just 2 dates.

My dh was still wearing a wedding ring when I met him, though genuinely separated for 2 years. Not entirely sure why he was still wearing it but they were living in different counties, definitely not together.

Not all men are dishonest 🤷🏻‍♀️

Goodness me I can’t believe all the people judging a separated man for dating before he’s divorced?! I separated from my ex husband and waited two years to file for divorce as we wanted to file for a non-fault divorce (you had to have been separated for two years before you could file back then)

We both entered into new relationships before we filed for divorce but had sold our marital home and were living apart. Nothing deceitful about it at all we were openly separated just not legally divorced!

I wouldn’t see any red flags just because they haven’t filed for divorce yet. Besides, neither myself or my partner are in any rush to get married again!

Divorce was only legislated for in 95/96 here in Ireland, I remember the divorce referendum and I’m early 40s, even when it became legal its was an incredibly lengthy process. It’s still not the norm here so all of this sounds completely legit to me. Being separated for 5 years and not yet divorced is completely normal here.
OP I would still proceed with caution if your gut is telling you so, it’s never a bad idea to take your time and really get to know someone slowly, he sounds lovely so I’m hoping you’ve got yourself a good one, best of luck x

Just don’t overthink it, proceed with caution. Meeting a stranger twice is still very very early days, be receptive but don’t get too attached.

When I first started dating after separation I was really surprised how good the men out there seemed. Just put him into positions where he has to talk and open up more and see what else there’s to him. Most people seem very gentlemanly 2 dates in.

Top of my head id say if that’s his first dipping feet into the dating pool, he may not be ready to date/ May end up flaky.

Wish you all the best and remember, that’s the minimum standard of guy you should go out with!

I finalised my divorce after five years recently . I only divorced for protecting my KIDS education I will never marry again HTH

You'd have to be a special breed of mega cunt to not be able to pretend to be a nice guy for 2 dates. Hopefully it's all true but you don't know him at all.