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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Weird relationship = sex issue

175 replies

MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 11:26

Ok, I am seeing a new guy, well its been 9 months now. Anyway, we only ever have sex from behind, and it is starting to concern me a bit.
We have had sex in the missoinary position twice, but it was not that good and felt uncomfortable - as though he could not look at me in the eyes.

He could have a bit of an arse fetish, as he seems to get turned on by strokeing it, and kissing it etc. But it does not exactly stimulate me that much.

Also, he never kisses me properly, only ever pecks. I miss a good snog, and having sex with someone face to face.

Is there anything here I should be worried about, as this is all new. I was with my ex for 15 years, and we had no problem having sex in all sorts of positions, and we both loved a good snogging session.. But with this guy its all so controlled by him, and I am not sure if it is healthy or not.

Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:

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hecate · 17/04/2008 11:29

it's not healthy. You need to talk to him. (outside the bedroom)

sleepycat · 17/04/2008 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zippitippitoes · 17/04/2008 11:31

sounds very weird to me i am in a new relationship after only having long term ones before and i think kissing is very important

it sounds like he has issues

agree you need to talk

i find talking is easiest in bed tho but just cuddling when you are relaxed but mayber he isnt very relaxed and cuddly so that wouldnt work

MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 11:31

Thanks for your response, Can I ask what makes you think its not healthy...

OP posts:

Pinkchampagne · 17/04/2008 11:32

Hmmm, doesn't sound healthy to me either. I agree with hecate - you need to talk with him outside of the bedroom about this.

hanaflower · 17/04/2008 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 11:32

sorry - that was for hecate.

OP posts:

mankymummy · 17/04/2008 11:34

what happens if you try to snog him? does he seem repulsed?

same with other positions... what happens if you try?

is he a nervous sort of person?

how the rest of the relationship?

sleepycat · 17/04/2008 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkchampagne · 17/04/2008 11:34

The lack of intimacy doesn't sound healthy. Not being able to look you in the eyes, and no proper kissing.

elesbells · 17/04/2008 11:35

No sex, in any way, shape or form that you are uneasy about or don't enjoy is unhealthy.

Its sounds like he has intimacy or trust issues, with the no kissing, not looking at you stuff.

Why would you want to just have sex in a way you don't enjoy? you are there too, and need to tell him how you want to have sex.

You need to talk, Its not fair on you is it?

ButterflyMcQueen · 17/04/2008 11:35

sorry but lol manky

mankymummy · 17/04/2008 11:37

what?! was i unintentionally funny or just being a nosy old bat?!!!

MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 11:37

wow, I kind of know its weird, but was kidding myself thinking well, it could be worse. Am I just an arse to him I wonder?

There are issues with ex girlfriends, he constantly talked about this Brazilian woman he was with for 9 months [his longest relationship, he is 38] he was with her over 10 years ago, in the end I had to tell him to stop mentioning her, not because I was jealous, but because I wondered if he was yearning for something from the past.

Because of this, I have often though that maybe, he is replicating the relationship with her, and is thinking of her when he is having sex with me, Sounds strange I know. But it could be possible.

All I know is, having been in such a long relationship, I would never ever mention my ex to him. I see no point.

OP posts:

fifitinkerbell · 17/04/2008 11:37

Not healthy. And does sound very strange to me. Have you tried to initiate other positions? If so what has the response been?

Pinkchampagne · 17/04/2008 11:37

My ex never used to kiss me properly, and as a result, he rarely got sex! Now I am in a healthy relationship, I realise how important it is, and how much I missed it.
I think my ex H had intimacy issues.

zippitippitoes · 17/04/2008 11:39

the only time i have had a relationship with someone and not kissed them was a guy i didnt really want to see but did anyway and the not kissing was just a way of avoiding being intimate with him to me klissing is more intimate and loving than sex

mankymummy · 17/04/2008 11:40

if thats the case though wouldnt he just close his eyes and pretend it was her rather than just limiting himself to one position?

oh i see, unless she only ever wanted to do it that way.

hecate · 17/04/2008 11:40

Because he doesn't seem to want to look at you! It's impossible for us to determine what his problem is, he'd need to tell you. But it could be that he's scared of intimacy, he just plain gets off on arses , he's fantasising about someone...who knows, that's why you need to ask him.

It's not healthy because it's selfish - he's not considering your sexual needs or wants. It's also not good to only be able to do one thing - like you can only get aroused if you wear rubber gloves and have chittychittybangbang in the background...it's obsessive!

Also, that he doesn't want to kiss you is odd, he's either got a problem or - maybe he doesn't know how to kiss properly??

It's like he's got a barrier between the 2 of you for some reason.

finally, isn't it kind of like using your body rather than making love? Is there any real connection there? Or maybe he's holding himself away because he's been hurt before?

Anyway, you could speculate (and we could speculate) till the cows come home, but there's only one way to get answers. If you can shag him, you can talk to him. So ask him.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 17/04/2008 11:41

I had an ex with intimacy issues. No proper kissing, no initiating sex, no proper foreplay, he could do it if he was drunk but only 'hot and heavy', no kissing, eye contact etc. i know it was his issue as we remaibned mates and I became very close to his later GF, after a long time she told me that he was like that with her.
Needs dealing with, but at 38 maybe he's too old to learn new tricks as it were? sorry to be pessimistic.

ButterflyMcQueen · 17/04/2008 11:41

lol at if you try to kiss him does he seem 'repulsed' sorry i am probably the odd one manky!

MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 11:42

When we first started going out together, I was so loved up, I told him so, and he would say a couple of times 'I am in love with you' but I started to realise he only recipricated what I was saying, so I stopped. This was 7 months ago, and never once has he voluntarily told me he loves me.

I am starting to think he is not that into me, but he says its all good. Twice I have attempted to end the relationship but he pursuades me it is fine.

I am not comfortable taking the lead in bed, because when I have done it in the past, he has 'to be frank' lost his erection. I am not sure what to do. Except think he could be with me because he has no-one else.

He has no friends, only his family, who he puts on a pedestol. I am fine with this, but uncomfortable at the same time, because its different socialising with someones family then their friends, as you almost feel constantly in the spotlight and being judged.

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mankymummy · 17/04/2008 11:43

oh god that was an AWFUL thing to ask ! You're right Butterfly.

i'm not going to post what I was going to ask next, think im having a bit of an odd day. Sorry Mucky!

ButterflyMcQueen · 17/04/2008 11:44

manky!!! please!

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 17/04/2008 11:44

He is 38 and his longest relationship was 9 months?

There could be a reason for this, pet.

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