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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Weird relationship = sex issue

175 replies

MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 11:26

Ok, I am seeing a new guy, well its been 9 months now. Anyway, we only ever have sex from behind, and it is starting to concern me a bit.
We have had sex in the missoinary position twice, but it was not that good and felt uncomfortable - as though he could not look at me in the eyes.

He could have a bit of an arse fetish, as he seems to get turned on by strokeing it, and kissing it etc. But it does not exactly stimulate me that much.

Also, he never kisses me properly, only ever pecks. I miss a good snog, and having sex with someone face to face.

Is there anything here I should be worried about, as this is all new. I was with my ex for 15 years, and we had no problem having sex in all sorts of positions, and we both loved a good snogging session.. But with this guy its all so controlled by him, and I am not sure if it is healthy or not.

Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 17/04/2008 12:18

oh just read your last post that confirms it for me dump him

you sound lovely he saounds a twat

Pinkchampagne · 17/04/2008 12:18

My ex would turn his back when he wanted to sleep too. My new partner is totally the opposite, and gets quite worried if I move away from him in bed!

Can I ask - what attracted you to this man initially?

solo · 17/04/2008 12:18

Time, I was feeling exactly the same before I'd gotten past page one! I feel very uneasy in my gut about this man and I don't think I trust him(not that I know him)enough to be alone with you when talking to him or better still giving him the push. Sorry! but my gut instinct rarely lets me down. Take care MA.

Original poster
MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 12:30

I am attracted to him because he is a closed book, almost mysterious. But obviously this is not compatible because I am such an open person, always willing to please and will do anything for him. But he does not do this for me. My ex finished with me when we both lived in China, I came straight from there to Australia and set up a life here by myself. My ex wanted me back, and I did not get in touch with him as I do not believe in going back to the past only moving forward.

Which is why I have so many concerns about this new guy. We used to be friends back when I first lived in Oz in 19999, and since I moved back it has turned into a relationship. He has stopped me seeing the friends from the UK who I knew years ago who live here in Oz also, and who he is mutual friends with. I do not see them anymore, yet he still does, and and has never mentioned to them he is seeing me. I slept with one of them when I first came here, it was a drunken fling, I told him when we were first friends, and since we got together he has barred me from seeing him. Even though I accept it was a drunk thing, and nothing serious, yet he tells me if my UK friend sees me then it is only because he wants to sleep with me again. I just feel as though he is taking control again.

Maybe I am scared of being alone, but when I get back to my flat alone, and shut the door, I feel such a relief its incredible.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 17/04/2008 12:31

dump

mankymummy · 17/04/2008 12:32

er... bend down, take your shoes off and run like the wind.

hanaflower · 17/04/2008 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hecate · 17/04/2008 12:35

bloody hell fire - you need to get rid of him. You really do. He's only going to get worse. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be. He only has the power YOU are giving him. how does he 'ban' you from seeing your friends? You do it. You obey him. It sounds really worrying tbh. Please get rid of him. Call your friends. Go out with them. Don't tell him.

MrsMattie · 17/04/2008 12:36

He's 'barring' you from seeing your friends? Oh FFS. Dump the bastard.

TimeForMe · 17/04/2008 12:38

He sounds emotionally unavailable, passive aggressive and very controlling. So far you have been compliant, it worries me what will happen when you aren't. I really do think you need to get out of this 'relationship' as soon as possible. Mysterious isn't good.

TimeForMe · 17/04/2008 12:43

This IS going to get worse and you are in the early stages of an abusive relationship. He is reeling you in with his 'mysterious' behaviour. He sounds almost narcissistic to me. Please, do not be flattered by him wanting you back and not wanting you to leave him. Do not be under any illusions that this man wants you. It's not about you, It's about him.

hecate · 17/04/2008 12:45

yes. Don't wait until he starts slapping you for being disobediant. Run like the fecking wind

booblue · 17/04/2008 12:51

Get rid

He is controlling your life.
In the bedroom and out

This is not a relationship
Better being on your own ,getting to meet someone else who will give you the respect you deserve

Pinkchampagne · 17/04/2008 13:01

The bit about him stopping you seeing your friends, has rang alarm bells. This is very typical behaviour of controlling men.

I think you need to look at getting out of this relationship before things get worse.

Original poster
MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 13:03

I don't know how to end it. I have explained to him there is something missing from the relationship, and that is why I feel we are uncompatible. Yet he convinces me each time its ok. He makes me feel sorry for him, and I am almost embarrassed by it all, because we only recently went to a wedding together [his sisters] and I am in all the family photos. I knew when they were being taken I should run a mile, but I just grinned and went along with it. Like I said before, I have been writing about this, as I am worried I am boring my friends with the relationship talking.

I just wish I knew how to end it. He has all the keys to my flat, and happily just lets himself in. This is all so new to me, having had such a long relationship before. I have never broken up with someone before.

OP posts:
mankymummy · 17/04/2008 13:05

change the locks, write him a letter. tell him you will ring the police if he contacts you.

Original poster
MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 13:08

I don't believe he is such a nutcase that would result in me eventually call the police! I am just not sure about the whole relationship and its worth.

OP posts:
booblue · 17/04/2008 13:09

So ur on the wedding photos
He will have a constant reminder what he lost cos of his controlling behavior.

Change your locks

Just say thanks but NO thanks its not what you want.

Don`t feel sorry 4 him thats what he wants .Its a controll thing

zippitippitoes · 17/04/2008 13:09

just tell him that you feel the relationship has run its course and you dont want to continue seeing him

TimeForMe · 17/04/2008 13:13

Then he is achieving his aim.

You have to tell him it is over and stop all contact with him. You have to be prepared for him trying everything in the book to get you back. He won't like the fact you have dumped him and he may beg you, cry, threaten you, he will try anything. You will have to avoid his calls and any contact with him so as not to expose yourself to all this. If he will ot return your keys then you will need to change your locks.

Do not feel sorry for him. This is what he is relying on. He is controlling your decision to leave this relationship, he is thinking about his own needs and not yours. If you fall for his 'victim' act you are going to find it much harder to leave further down the line.

You do not owe him an explanation as to why you want to end the relationship and I wouldn;t advise that you try giving him one. You should not give him any opening lines, you don;t want to give him any opportunity to talk you into staying. Just tell him it is over and walk away. Do not entertain him at all after that.

Yes, you are a nice person and you will feel terrible handling it this way but, that is what he is relying on. In this instance you are not dealing with your regular guy who will take no for an answer. So don't treat him like a regular guy. And don't feel guilty. You are only doing what is best for you. You don't owe him anything.

notreallysayingthis · 17/04/2008 13:14

There is something wrong with this man.

He wont look you in the eyes
He wont kiss you
He wont say he loves you
He gets angry with you

You are not allowed to touch him in bed
You are not allowed to visit UK
You are not allowed to see your friends
You are not allowed to end the relationship.

He convinces you the relationship is ok, so you stay? Does he ever listen to you?

Being in a relationship should be a mutual decision, not his alone, because "it is fine" for him.

And it has only been 9 months, and you dont even live together?

Dont even discuss it with him. Practice saying this:

"Harry/Peter/Shaun, it is OVER. I dont love you anymore. I dont want to be in a relatinship with you." And just dont discuss it.

Original poster
MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 13:15

is it that easy? really?
deep inside I want to end it so badly, yet I go along with it, hoping he will open up, be more open and things will change. But nothing does. The sex is the same, there are no kisses, no saying I love you, no compliments. Only feelings of guilt and worry. I KNOW I should end it. But I don't know how.

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 17/04/2008 13:18

You don't stand a chance. Don't even waste your time. He will never open up because he has issues with himself. Just leave him as soon as possible. trust me. You need to get out of this as quickly as possible.

Original poster
MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 13:19

Cross posting - you all wrote after I had written my response, thank you to you all.
It makes sense, I know I need to end it. I greatly greatly appreciate you all taking the time to response, honestly you will never know how important this is to me.

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 17/04/2008 13:20

He won;t tell you he loves you, he won;t pay you a compliment, he won;t show you affection because to him this is a weakness, he will be surrendering his control. Trust me, this man could be very dangerous. At the moment you are allowing him to control you so he is happy, it's when the day comes that you stand up to him that worries me.