Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Weird relationship = sex issue

175 replies

MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 11:26

Ok, I am seeing a new guy, well its been 9 months now. Anyway, we only ever have sex from behind, and it is starting to concern me a bit.
We have had sex in the missoinary position twice, but it was not that good and felt uncomfortable - as though he could not look at me in the eyes.

He could have a bit of an arse fetish, as he seems to get turned on by strokeing it, and kissing it etc. But it does not exactly stimulate me that much.

Also, he never kisses me properly, only ever pecks. I miss a good snog, and having sex with someone face to face.

Is there anything here I should be worried about, as this is all new. I was with my ex for 15 years, and we had no problem having sex in all sorts of positions, and we both loved a good snogging session.. But with this guy its all so controlled by him, and I am not sure if it is healthy or not.

Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
booblue · 17/04/2008 13:21

Its never easy to finish with someone

But at the end of day you,your happiness,welfare,state of mind is the most important thing

Put yourself first which from the sounds of things you have`nt been 4 9 months

Hes a WANKER

TimeForMe · 17/04/2008 13:21

Trust me. I know how important this is to you. I also know how important it is that you end this as soon as you can. Just close your ears to his persuasion, look the other way and never go back!

Pinkchampagne · 17/04/2008 13:25

Agree with the other posters. It is never easy to end a relationship, but you need to put yourself first. This relationship does not sound at all healthy, and he sounds very controlling. Get out now before things esculate. You deserve so much better.

NotDoingTheHousework · 17/04/2008 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

swiftyknickers · 17/04/2008 13:29

firstly manky mummy= very funny

you sound lovely muckyanthea (please can you name change though...makes me feel odd writing mucky anthea!!!) he sounds crazy. never trust somebody who has NO friends. The no kissing, intimacy thing is horrid...

get rid

fireflytoo · 17/04/2008 13:29

And please do not stay with him just because you don't want to be on your own, or because you feel that he is lovely and fine most of the time, or because you are sorry for him or because he might change... you sound like a sensible, lovely person who will be snapped up as soon as you are available. This situation is bad in all respects.

Original poster
MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 13:31

Notdoing - you sound a brave person, considering children were concerned. I can see similaritys already with what you are saying, such as the money thing. I have money but have never told him, nor will I ever. Yet he does critisize when I tell him how much a hair cut cost etc. God, I am so scared about where this is heading..yet I have been through a lot worse, and know I will come out ok in the end.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 17/04/2008 13:33

What is most shocking about all this is that you have only been together for NINE months. Think how much worse things could get. In the infamous words of Rikki Lake: 'Kick him to the kerb!'

fireflytoo · 17/04/2008 13:34

Keep posting and keep in touch.... you need MN now to help you keep your resolve and to keep you safe. I think coming to UK is the best thing you can do....

mylovelymonster · 17/04/2008 13:37

Book your flight, change the locks on your home, dump him at the airport, come to UK, get your life back x

Original poster
MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 13:39

I am only thinking of a 2 week trip until I get my citizenship. But I am coming back to friends and family who love me, and I can't wait.

I have to say, that I am so glad I posted here, because I have been writing everything down and was worried I was behaving irrationaly. But now I know I am not, and I am ok - he is not.

OP posts:
NotDoingTheHousework · 17/04/2008 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TimeForMe · 17/04/2008 13:43

youv'e got it. Please keep us posted. Like another poster said, we need to know you are safe.

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 17/04/2008 13:43

MA we are all sitting here actually wishing we could do it for you, because it's so painful to hear about this sort of situation and frustrating to those of us who have seriously, been exactly where you are and nearly lost much more than nine months to our misjudgment.

PLEASE, please go.

Ask for your keys back. This is the tricky bit, you need to stay very strong, and though you'll feel like a shit, that's how he wants you to feel, and without someone there supporting you (I had my mum to tell me what to do) it is very hard to stand up to the efforts that will be made to stop you leaving him. But you must.

As soon as he realises that you are playing the cracked record 'I am not with you any more, I am sorry but I am not going to discuss it, no I do not love you any more, no I do not want to be with you, please stop calling' he will actually give up. He only wants someone he can control, and if you make it abundantly clear that you won't be controlled, he will wander off - you might be surprised at how easily he turns off his emotions once that's the case!

It's like the salesmen who stick their feet in the door and make you feel awful for saying 'No thankyou'. Similar tactics. You would never treat him that way so don't accept it from him.
It's his problem, you have noticed it's a shitty relationship so you are doing something about it and protecting yourself.

That is a GOOD THING.
Strength, you can do it, take no more - you need to get quite angry I think, and don't show it but do show your strength.

NotDoingTheHousework · 17/04/2008 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mylovelymonster · 17/04/2008 13:43

Keep posting. MN always here for you xx
Do you have support network there? Get your friends to rally round to ensure clean break and no nonsense.
Where in Aus are you?

NotDoingTheHousework · 17/04/2008 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 13:48

thanks everyone, I will keep you updated, I am going to try and end it 'again' at some point this weekend. luckily I have to work so I can avoid him.

OP posts:
ruddynorah · 17/04/2008 13:50

oh god i so had an ex like this. i only stayed with him for 4 months and that was enough. we didn't even get round to having sex in that time though. he did 'sleep over' several times, but never did anything. odder than odd. his one saving grace was that he earned £80k, but even that didn't do it for me. i still would drive him everywhere and pay half when we'd go out, which was a hell of a lot. and my income was about £20k at the time. he'd even go so far as to split the bill then add on and take away any earlier rounds of drinks or petrol money if he had driven. freaking weirdo. i think he just wanted someone on his arm, but no actual intimacy.

hecate · 17/04/2008 13:52

No. nononononononononononono. No. Don't think like that...you are not going to try to end it. That is negative thinking. You are going to end it. This is your decision, you don't need to attempt it, or try to get his permission to end it - you are still thinking he is your boss and he's NOT.

You are NOT trying to end it.
You are GOING to end it.

Practise saying that.

I am going to end the relationship
I am going to end the relationship
I am going to end the relationship
I am going to end the relationship

booblue · 17/04/2008 13:54

FLIGHT
I could`nt of put it better

KEEP POSTING

Original poster
MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 13:55

hecate - you are my god!!
I shall read your words like a mantra!

and ruddynorah, yes he earns more then more then me, yet has never bought me a present or taken me out for a meal, bought a roudn of drinks without me buying the next. We were together for 3 months before we had sex, it was very wierd, I actually had to ask him if he found me attractive because it concerned me so much.

What the hell have I got myself into???

OP posts:
Original poster
MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 13:58

oh and, he says 'yummy' alot - instead of a compliment. AND speaks to me in a Portuguse accent 'you no like me' I virtually scream out I am NOT your ex, please speak to me in an English accent thank you.

Jesus wept.

OP posts:
NotDoingTheHousework · 17/04/2008 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 17/04/2008 14:09

Ewwwww!!!!

Hecate is right - I was just thinking that - not 'trying' to end it. You're going to end it. If he's sad about it, tough - his motives aren't exactly true and undying love, are they!

Nobody is telling you to be with him. Nobody wants you to be with him!!

The moment I realised that despite being pregnant with my ex's child, there was no court in the land that could force me to sleep with him, have him in my home, heck, like the bastard, was a revelation.

I felt free in my head, and from then on it was very easy to say no and even lie in order to get away from him.

You need that inner belief and cynicism to carry you through. It's his own stupid fault!

Good luck pet. x

Swipe left for the next trending thread