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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Weird relationship = sex issue

175 replies

MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 11:26

Ok, I am seeing a new guy, well its been 9 months now. Anyway, we only ever have sex from behind, and it is starting to concern me a bit.
We have had sex in the missoinary position twice, but it was not that good and felt uncomfortable - as though he could not look at me in the eyes.

He could have a bit of an arse fetish, as he seems to get turned on by strokeing it, and kissing it etc. But it does not exactly stimulate me that much.

Also, he never kisses me properly, only ever pecks. I miss a good snog, and having sex with someone face to face.

Is there anything here I should be worried about, as this is all new. I was with my ex for 15 years, and we had no problem having sex in all sorts of positions, and we both loved a good snogging session.. But with this guy its all so controlled by him, and I am not sure if it is healthy or not.

Any advice much appreciated.

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zippitippitoes · 17/04/2008 11:45

it doesnt sound very good really

how much do you want to be with him

after 9 months together i would have thought you would be close and definitely kissing and ablke to talk and saying i lvoe you and stuff..maybe i am naive tho

hanaflower · 17/04/2008 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 17/04/2008 11:46

I would be very concerned especially if I had tried to end it twice and he had talked me round...he's not listening to you at all...you need to walk.
Sorry to be so down on it.

This man really has some deep issues I think, from what you are saying

ButterflyMcQueen · 17/04/2008 11:47

i think it may be simply shyness/intimacy issues which can be slowly but surely adddressed

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 17/04/2008 11:48

You sound like you already know actually---we will support you all the way, you need to get rid for your own self esteem. He's very, very odd.

zippitippitoes · 17/04/2008 11:48

i agree if he is 38 and not had a relationship longer than 9 months then he isnt doing very well

i think you need to talk to him but i feel he isnt going to want to start kissing if he has no inclination so far

zippitippitoes · 17/04/2008 11:49

do you realy want to be with him, you may be better having a break and you will meet someone else soon enough

Pinkchampagne · 17/04/2008 11:50

Doesn't sound very good. It sounds like he has some very deep issues here.

mankymummy · 17/04/2008 11:51

he's not greek is he?

hecate · 17/04/2008 11:51

It's like, he needs someone - for sex, for company - but he's not that into you (or anyone) to actually make a relationship work, or give of himself, iyswim. In all honesty, I wouldn't put money on long term happiness.

Depends what you want really..a casual boyfriend for a bit of sex and company, or a man you can settle down with and grow old with. Maye he's not 'the one', Mr Right. But he could be Mr Ok Right Now. Or not. Only you know what stage you're at in your life and what your needs are.

I don't think that made a lot of sense, but my neck hurts and I'm tired I hope you get what I mean.

zippitippitoes · 17/04/2008 11:51

mankymummy you are making me laugh

Dropdeadfred · 17/04/2008 11:52

sounds gay

hifi · 17/04/2008 11:52

just what i was thinking hanaway.

zippitippitoes · 17/04/2008 11:53

i agree with hecate from what you have said

i would hate this relationship

do you have fun when you go out together

is he really nice to talk to and do you do lotsa of stuff together

are you excited to see him

chuggabopps · 17/04/2008 11:55

Is he 100% hetero?
Not everyone is- it could be a part of his sexuality spectrum that he only "stays up" when he is in the lead role, but it could be that his requiremetn for a more passive partner leads him to seek out women when really it might not be womens bodies that he is most attracted to?
Either way it sounds like you need to have it out with him that your needs in this relationship aren't being met.
Do you think you'd have problems in telling him why it isn't working for you? It sounds very much that you are living a compromise in the hope that it will get better of its own accord- and unless you speak up it won't and may even get worse.

MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 11:57

No, not Greek! he is from New Zealand.
To be fair to hi, is very very good at oral sex, but its very very far and in between when he actualy does it.

I think he does have intimacy issues, but having been in such a long relationship, and virtually going straight into this, I was just so confused by it all, and not sure if it was right.

To set the matter straight, in case anyone is thinking it, I am not exactly ugly, or repulsive! but I am always unsure if I read into things with him too much. I have been frank with you all, and told you the way it is. I know its strange, but have no idea how to sit down and resolve the issues with him. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

He gets angry with me, I live in Australia and am planning a trip back to the UK in November, when I told him he went beserk, and said 'oh so thats it, no consulting me'. But I thought to myself why should I? I live on my own, I am extremely independant, if I want to go back to the UK by myself then I will.

I am not sure what to think anymore. Its so confusing, almost as though he has complete control over me and every decision I make.

OP posts:

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 17/04/2008 11:59

I would walk, very fast and change my number.

TimeForMe · 17/04/2008 12:00

I am feeling panicked and I'm only reading your thread! I would be running away from this man as fast as I could. Don't let his problems become yours.

mankymummy · 17/04/2008 12:02

New Zealand?! Really? Well what do you expect, all those sheep...!

Seriously though, come back to the UK, he can't expect you not to when he hasnt even voluntarily said he loves you.

Pinkchampagne · 17/04/2008 12:05

He sounds very controlling. Why should you consult him?!
Think I would be running from this man too, from what you have told us about him.

TimeForMe · 17/04/2008 12:06

PMSL Mankymummy!

MuckyAnthea · 17/04/2008 12:11

What you have all written is amazing, its exactly the things I have thought, but thought I was mad doing so. Like I'm the freak, maybe a princess because my boyfriend does not tell me he loves me etc etc.

I do like spending time with him, but its quiet, we rarely talk. I am a talker, am funny, have lots of friends, and have been described as being vivacious and the complete opposite to him - this has been mentioned when my friends have met him.

He is mature, and serious, but we have a nice time together, I am not sure if this makes the relationship complete though.

Since October, I have written everything down in my diary and its scares me when I read it back. Particulary the moments when I have written about how at night, I am not allowed to touch him when he goes to sleep, he does not like it. He turns over and that is that. Sometimes I have wept because me and my ex used to sleep together holding each other tight, instinctivley turning over when the other person did to continue it. I miss that connection, and it makes me sad I do not have this with this person.

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zippitippitoes · 17/04/2008 12:16

i would say he is too controlling you dont live with him its none of his business

MrsMattie · 17/04/2008 12:17

He sounds like a man with some very deep issues. The fact that he has never had a long term relationship and is pushing 40 would worry me. Can I ask a question - you may think it totally inappropriate and offensive, if so, sorry and don't answer it, but - he couldn't be in the closet, could he? Lots of niggly little things about what you have said ring alarm bells in my head...

Whatever the issues are, don't make the mistake of thinking you can change him. To brutally honest, you sound too good for him. You deserve a lot more from a relationship.

mankymummy · 17/04/2008 12:18

Dump him. Come to the UK and find a proper man. He sounds odd.

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