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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My world has imploded

250 replies

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 16:18

Just found out that my husband doesn’t want to be with me. We have three dependent children together. I have no family to support me here so feeling very alone and scared. I left my job to become a full time mother.
I don’t even know where to start.
any advice will be welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
slowlygin · 04/09/2024 03:54

Well I have discovered that he is not the man I thought he was and this could get very nasty.

OP posts:
Lengokengo · 04/09/2024 04:12

Sorry you are going through this. Is there a new revelation that makes you say this? Is it money/ business related or has a girlfriend emerged? Or something else.

sorry that you think it’s going to get nasty. Sending you strength for that.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 04/09/2024 04:28

You must be exhausted @slowlygin . Focus on getting the children back to school and get yourself some breathing room to think. Sorry this is so hard x

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 04/09/2024 04:33

That's a worrying update OP, what happened?

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 04/09/2024 04:44

slowlygin · 04/09/2024 03:54

Well I have discovered that he is not the man I thought he was and this could get very nasty.

Yes he is no longer your friend and he will try to come out of it looking like the injured party. Has an ow been made known? Have you spoken to a solicitor?

Original poster
slowlygin · 04/09/2024 04:51

He’s not been faithful for many years. Is being sly in many ways but I have found things out.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 04/09/2024 05:03

Sorry to read that @slowlygin, though sadly not surprised.

Him being tired, thin and stressed is probably the result of spending years lying and hiding non-marriage-friendly behaviour.

You've had excellent advice from many posters on here. I would only add that when evidence of my ex's hidden life came to light, the best thing I did was to initially keep my cool, stay calm, seem non-judgemental and curious about understanding how he had "gotten himself into this situation", and give the impression that everything could be eventually settled amicably.

I got so much information out of him in a few short weeks, plus concessions in writing when he was feeling guilty (me appearing to be understanding made him feel more guilty, concessionary and willing to confess stuff). Things went to shit later on of course as I stopped being able to pretend I didn't loathe the sight of him, but I acquired a great deal of leverage in that time.

Cherryana · 04/09/2024 05:06

I am so sorry…it’s heartbreaking to read what you are going through and that your husband is following the familiar pattern - please know there is a collective of women here who are both on your side and you are going to get through this.

3luckystars · 04/09/2024 06:32

GreyCarpet · 24/08/2024 07:14

I have talked to a few friends (who know him) and they think that he is imploding, having a massive crisis. He’s very thin and looks ill. he’s not sleeping and he’s very run down.

I've been on MN a long time, OP.

Over those years, I've read many a thread where a poster is concerned about a change in her husband and os worried about a mental health crisis.

Everyone whose been through it posts, it's an affair. The OP is sure it isn't.

I haven't read a single thread where it turned out that the husband was truly having a mental breakdown. Because no one has a mental breakdown through not being paid enough attention when their spouse has been bereaved. No one.

The change in him is down to the guilt he feels and, more than that, his fear of how he will be perceived by others for both leaving you when you're bereaved and having an affair.

I'm not saying this to be cruel.

But DO NOT trust him now. He is NOT your friend. He DOES NOT have your best interests at heart. He will undoubtedly still care for you if he's not being actively cruel but his priority now is himself. Protecting his assets and maintaining his image. He is not your friend.

I agree with this. Mind yourself x

3luckystars · 04/09/2024 06:35

FlannelShirt · 24/08/2024 10:16

I did wonder as well, if he is going through a breakdown and looking very thin and ill, is seeking a divorce the usual decision in such a situation?

I agree with this also.

3luckystars · 04/09/2024 06:37

I’m glad you found out the truth and just wanted to wish you well x

GreyCarpet · 04/09/2024 06:45

Oh, OP Flowers

I was really hoping to be wrong on this.

I'm also sorry to read this but sadly not surprised. They're so predictable and pathetic.

You've had excellent advice on here. Please reread it with fresh eyes and remember, he is no exception to the rule.

How disappointingly predictable they are x

BirthdayRainbow · 04/09/2024 06:50

I am so sorry that you have been cheated on for so long @slowlygin . It's an horrific shock but you will come through it. Act as it he is going to be reasonable and decent when you talk to him and it might help him be so and it keeps you calm. Behind the scenes you can be as devious as you like and should be.

My h also had an affair and only confessed when he realised her husband was tracking me down via a PI and would be writing to me. I didn't leave for many years but are divorced now as he did something much worse.

As well as someone I never thought would cheat he also turned out to be many things I never thought was possible.

As a late aside, he could be ill and looking terrible due to the stress of an affair and wanting to leave, rather than physically poorly. Late to say that but I was thinking it before I saw your update.

Take care of yourself and don't trust him anymore but if he shows guilt and remorse, use it.

TemuSpecialBuy · 04/09/2024 06:52

I’m not entirely surprised about your updates.

my 2 pieces of advice:

  1. do NOT accept 50/50 you will likely have 3 children FT and a much low income it isn’t a fair split even for f he thinks he earned it. Court recognise this too. 70/30 in you favour sound more correct if I am honest.
  2. This man is not your friend and cannot be trusted. It is likely that nothing he does has your best interest at heart. Repeat this daily and do not get sucked back in.
Peaceandquietandacuppa · 04/09/2024 07:00

TemuSpecialBuy · 04/09/2024 06:52

I’m not entirely surprised about your updates.

my 2 pieces of advice:

  1. do NOT accept 50/50 you will likely have 3 children FT and a much low income it isn’t a fair split even for f he thinks he earned it. Court recognise this too. 70/30 in you favour sound more correct if I am honest.
  2. This man is not your friend and cannot be trusted. It is likely that nothing he does has your best interest at heart. Repeat this daily and do not get sucked back in.

Yes! When I read he wanted 50/50 at first he meant the children but of course he meant the money 🤣 he’s not silly is he. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart OP, he very smart about this. Seek legal advice.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 04/09/2024 07:13

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. Keep posting here and getting all the wise advice from women who've been where you are and have come out the other side.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/09/2024 07:20

50% my fat arse. My 1st husband tried that one. The judge said I could Iive in the house until DS was 18. I actually chose to leave with a lot more than 50% I might add because our house needed highly expensive work I couldn't afford and I went and bought a smaller house for me and DS.
You may not have to leave your home at least not for some years. Find a really good divorce lawyer and they will tell you exactly what you are entitled to.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2024 07:20

I am sorry to hear he’s been cheating on you. It sounds as things have soured since you first posted. Please fight tooth and nail. He is going to do the same by the sound of it.

Do you have information on the business accounts or know if he as been siphoning off money etc? He’s been devious, cheating on you for a long time. He isn’t the man, you thought he was unfortunately. You may need a forensic accountant to get to the bottom of things if he’s being sly as you say.

DontBiteTheCat · 04/09/2024 07:38

I am so sorry to read this OP, but not surprised at all.

I know it feels impossible but it’s time to get angry and get yourself to a divorce lawyer pronto. He is not your friend. You owe him nothing.

He will end up a sad, lonely old man, but you my darling are going to flourish without him, I promise x

PaminaMozart · 04/09/2024 07:41

Very sorry, but not at all surprised, to read your update.

I concur with PP's advice to reread the thread with fresh eyes and focus on getting the best possible outcome, which means way more than the 50% he is offering.

Get competent legal advice from a solicitor who is experienced in dealing with cases where the other party is a business owner who may have been hiding income and assets, i.e. someone who has established links with a forensic accountant.

What you do now may determine your and your children's financial future. And remember:
He is not your friend.
You will get through this.

YellowAsteroid · 04/09/2024 07:44

slowlygin · 04/09/2024 03:54

Well I have discovered that he is not the man I thought he was and this could get very nasty.

Oh, really sorry to read that @slowlygin

What is it about men when their cheating is found out and exposed as cheating. At least this way, you won't be pining after him.

readysteadynono · 04/09/2024 07:46

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 16:32

Thank you Catoo for that lovely response. I think that he’s having some kind of breakdown and this has surfaced alongside it. I’ve had a terrible year so far and this has completely shattered me. He said that he wants to sell the house and go for a 50/50 split and that I will have the children.

If you are married and you have the children, you would very very likely get a larger than 50% share. Don’t agree just because he seems reasonable, he might not be.

YellowAsteroid · 04/09/2024 07:52

Yes, should have said - a friend of mine divorced her husband because he'd started to become financially abusive. She'd given up a really good job + pension to follow his career and they went somewhere where it was almost impossible for her to earn in her own profession, so she did various bits & pieces earning around £10k a year and focusing on raising their DC.

Her divorce lawyer started the claim at 70% of the marital assets in respect of what she'd given up ie her own earning power & separate pension. In the end the split was around 65/35.

Soretoothfairy · 04/09/2024 07:53

readysteadynono · 04/09/2024 07:46

If you are married and you have the children, you would very very likely get a larger than 50% share. Don’t agree just because he seems reasonable, he might not be.

Show quote history

This is bad advice and erroneous. Child maintenance covers the children. Divorce is based purely on the adults and judges would prefer a clean break. The very obvious reason on why who has the kids isn’t taken into account is child care arrangements change, children grow up. Divorce is for ever. The only exception would possibly be if the children had additional needs so severe they were likely never to leave the parents home. Even then it’s not a given.

YellowAsteroid · 04/09/2024 07:54

slowlygin · 04/09/2024 04:51

He’s not been faithful for many years. Is being sly in many ways but I have found things out.

So the OW has given him an ultimatum ... ?

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