To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

Thinking of you op x

Good luck with the solicitor! I hope you get some good advice on how to move forward

As others have said, mental health issues or not, this man has been mean to and about the OP for years. The only new thing is the escalation - suddenly going on holiday.

I don't care if he's having a (surprisingly well-planned) breakdown or is just a mentally healthy arsehole. He isn't writing here for MH support, his wife is.

Even if he were seeking our support, he'd be writing:
I haven't pulled my weight, financially or practically, since my youngest teen was born. My wife has a good income so I only pay her £100 a week towards the family bills and expenses. Since starting my own business a couple of years ago, I'm doing really well but it's long hours and stressful. DW has no idea how much I'm making, I keep my affairs close to my chest. She doesn't know what savings I have or how I spend my own money - this bothers her, she keeps asking and it gets on my nerves. We've never been on holiday together but I'm going for my first holiday abroad since I was a kid.
AIBU not to tell my wife anything about my holiday?

If you genuinely feel this person deserves sympathy from his excluded wife, your empathy button needs a reset.
[Edit] Excluded and financially abused.

Oh OP, you can do this.
Emotions to one side for now as you know:

1. act on what the solicitor said ( and I hope they said financial accountant/freezing act or equivalent).
2. Search the car - not for evidence of OW as that ship has sailed, but for financials.
3. Decide about the house - do you want to keep it or not.Then act accordingly.
4. Don't tell offspring what you are doing. Regardless of favouritisms (either way), it is really not their business If you have the energy - 30 mins free appointments with all the expensive solicitors you think he may approach (tell yours though!). Although I think I am on the fence if he will - I think he will try and maintain the status-quo and just be his arsehole-self and expect to carry on as normal..

You know your worth, you have decided out (regardless of him), now lets make things on your terms for once.

I don't think I can have been reading the same thread as the pp who berated us all for our lack of understanding of MH issues. The OP's husband has been controlling and secretive for a long time, and he applied for a passport 12 months ago having previously said he didn't want to fly or go on water and had no desire to travel. Whatever's happened has been brewing for some time and has been planned, although the short notice of his departure suggests a precipitating factor he had little control over.

If he comes back - and it's a big if imo - I wouldn't be surprised if he claims to have a little bit of depression that OP needs to be understanding about - but the facts we know so far suggest much more that he is/has been up to no good, either financially/criminally or sexually.

There's an excellent understanding of MH issues on MN in my experience. Less so when people don't have them though.

ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.

Truly horrified by the thread so far @JustMissNobody and I’m so sorry he’s treated you this way.

This paragraph of yours stood out to me, though. I’m wondering if this could be something completely different, as OW doesn’t tend to cause someone to be short with his whole family. Could he have had a diagnosis? People react to that in all sorts of weird ways - withdrawing from those they love, isolating themselves and trying to distract themselves with work or new things as a way of denying what’s happening to them as telling people or even thinking about it means it’s somehow real. I’m not saying it is this at all, just that if he’s been so out of character with everyone for the last few months (and making you completely miserable in the process which is NOT ok), maybe there’s something bigger behind it than an affair or the end of a relationship. Probably not but worth thinking about.

This is neither helpful nor kind speculation.
Why post? Real support is needed.

We aren't entitled to any more details about OPs family, especially her daughters, but just to address your reaction I would say it's common knowledge and not a far flung idea that our children are mostly influenced and learn values by the people who bring them them up. There are issues of power at play and and most of us have gathered that OP has not had an equal stake for many years.

Also to the MH poster, my priority is OP's MH and wellbeing, nobody has minimised MH issues on these threads.

I can’t believe after all that you haven’t even heard from him. That is even more disrespectful.

I was surprised at her youngest daughters response and it made me question if there is some backstory we are missing.

Quite. Not difficult at all to imagine that OP's husband has been manipulating family relationships for a long time. He seems to have been manipulative in every other respect.

@JustMissNobody Sorry I just want to clarify that I am not suggesting anything about how you have brought up your children at all, just to be really clear. Nor that you have been a 'weak' parent for want of better words. What I was trying to say was it's not surprising that your daughters are in different places with it all. Children learn behaviours, react and take different sides all the time, but if one parent comes across as dominant and is undermining the other parent, that can be a very powerful sway in a child's eyes, whether it's to protect you, agree with the other or want to keep a distance from it. Hope that makes sense.

One, it's none of your business.
Two, this is the second thread I've noticed you on today where you've unpleasant towards the OP!

Did you miss where the OP said she was a daddy's girl? Did it ever occur to you that she has been manipulated, eg the comment she repeated her father had made about her mum while she was away?

just raising anything other than unwavering 100% support and he’s the devil incarnate is shut down

and the other daughter “on the fence”

And you think his behaviour is acceptable in any shape or form?

If you have kids, do you make them take sides?

yes

i forcé them to

This isn't a debate.

I suggest you find a different thread as your lack of support is not wanted or needed and will be totally ignored from now on.

not at all
not in the slightest

and fact that one is fully unsupportive of the op and the other is on the fence simply made me wonder whether perhaps… there was a different interpretation of events

Well you're not going to get it, so give up.

Thanks for the new thread op. Sorry you're so exhausted but not surprised!

Thank you for continuing the thread, OP. I hope you are finding some useful advice from it (and spotting the terrible advice from a mile away!).

Regarding your children's responses, I just don't see how anyone could think it reasonable (or be on the fence) for you to know so little about what is going on. You literally don't know what country your husband is in right now. This must all be so tough. Sending you strength and sympathy.