To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

Thank you for updating OP. Hope the solicitors went ok and so glad you have one daughter supporting you in this awful situation.

Hope you are feeling some accomplishment after your solicitor's appt-just going is enough for one day. Well done.
Whatever you do don't overdo it. If and when you get overwhelmed, maybe take a moment away from here and don't feel obliged to answer posts immediately or at all. I think you have a lot of people here ready to listen so keep your own health in mind, we will still be here. Glad one daughter is very much aware of the situation for you and supportive and you are able to get others perspectives about his behaviour.

MSN people are all over the world backing you.
Please switch off the door bell, search his car, take a photo of the last 20 places listed on the gps and leave a tag by the spare wheel.

Hope all went well today OP

Thanks for the new thread

Well done for going to the solicitors, hope it's gone well and they were able to answer your questions and give you directions for next steps

I wondered about this - maybe the business is not going as well you thought and he's got into debt or is in trouble with HMRC? Odd to have been married so long and him be so secretive about his finances. Does he prepare his own accounts for tax, VAT etc or does he have an accountant or bookkeeper?

Or involved in criminal activity?

I know you dont want to @JustMissNobody but you need to get your ducks in a row and searching the car is important for this. I think you will most likely regret not looking.

Yes possibly, it’s either another woman (likely) or escaping somehow I think.

I just find it sad that the husband can't even contact OP when he is away. Whatever the reason is.

Please, honestly do this and get photos of anything you find. My ex moved out and left a load of paperwork here … one bank account he didn’t think I knew about with £10k in it that he ‘overlooked’ on his Form E. it’s not fun but just do it and then it’s done. I’m sure there’ll be lots of virtual handholding on here for you whilst you do it.

OP I hope your appointment with the solicitor went well. I feel for you regardless of the actual issue that made your husband act like this, he can't justify his behaviour.
Hope you are OK.
You will know the root cause of all this. You are doing the right things, gettinng solicitor advice and stating your boundaries. Sending virtual hugs.

It's obvious your DH is leading some sort of covert double life and something has changed for him. You haven't mentioned any noticeable step ups in his appearance or self care, which would be a clue. However, being more irritable / snappy with both you and his wider family does point towards him not dealing favourably with some sort of increased pressure or frustration. There must of been an escalation to make him break from his normal mantra of too much going on and can't take time away.

Importantly, you have clearly shifted your position about how you feel about him, and that is the best news of all...

Glad you slept reasonably, OP. Remember to top yourself up with fluids and food when you are juggling work and trying to remain upbeat with all this stress. Even just updating the thread will take some effort.
It's quite understandable that you want to keep the solicitor's comments under wraps. It also take time to unpack and process their suggestions.

OP, I hope you don't mind me wading in. I read your original thread last night and appreciate you starting another one and keeping us updated.

I am so very sorry you are dealing with this with so little support. You have shown immense strength and I hope something positive comes from your appointment today. Without sounding patronising (I really don't intend to!), I hope you can see that lots of people here want to virtually support you and are thinking of you.

Also, I really admire how you have taken the moral high ground in so many ways, that shows a lot of strength and class.

Take care and stay strong OP! x

Hope it went well OP!

I've been holding off making any comment. But this has been bothering me.

OP. You need to upgrade your MN screen name.

You aren't JUST (you may be Miss) and you aren't NOBODY.

(And hope your appointment went well for you).

Hope the solicitors appointment was positive

Def some sort of financial problems that now grew into something bigger and more stressful.
Do you have any shared accounts at all?

OP can just get a locksmith, it’s her tenancy and she pays the rent.

I'm pretty shocked at the number of posts showing zero understanding or empathy where mental health breakdowns are concerned. My stomach sank reading some posts. I would support my DH 100% if he were having a crisis, no question. OP's husband should be home in 3 days time, that is the time to show her teeth and get to the bottom of what's going on. Speculation doesn't help. If his side of the extended family has also noticed a shift & change in his personality, & him having 1, possibly 2 daughters onside, then this man is going through something big and I doubt it's an OW. OP will find out on Friday, or over the weekend.

I think there’s a huge amount of sympathy and awareness for mental health issues now. But, he hasn’t gone wandering off in the middle of the night, he’s pretty callously gone on a holiday while trying to hide where he’s going from the OP and making life really difficult for her.

also, he’s not really covered himself in glory with his general, long-term behavior, from the further posts OP has provided.

For your sake I hope it is a crisis and not another woman, and that it can be worked through.

Hey OP
Proud of you today. I know waiting for an appointment, especially one as serious as this, would have been all consuming for you today.
If it was as my husband, I am not sure I would be quite as collected as you seem to have been. Xx

I think, even if 'best case' scenario (and I playing fast and loose with that term), is that it's a MH issue and he's just gone about it the wrong way, at least if you find out what you need to know and prepare yourself for the worst case scenario, at least you can come back from that if that's what you decide.

I hope all goes well at the solicitors today.

I hope you're ok? I hope for your sake it's his MH that's making him do this, not that's any better for you though.