To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

Wait, what?? He's home? What happened? Has anything been said? By anyone?

@OldCrocks Do you think this is a soap opera?

I was thinking this. OP will be grieving for the marriage that she once had, which sounds like it was loving and fulfilling. It has probably come as a huge shock to realise how far away from this her life has come and there will be a lot of sadness at the gradual slipping away of that marriage and all it offered her to where she is now.

You will be OK OP. You will heal.

I really hope that you have stayed at the spa OP and are having a well deserved rest and pamper.

You’ve been so incredibly strong this week. Don’t give up now. Think about what you want for your future. You may not be able to decide this overnight but you don’t have to. This may be the start of a very painful and difficult process but there is so much support for you. I think you’ve been amazing this week, you’ve got this.

I had a fantastic childhood thankyou very much I come from a very big happy family. You sound fucked up to be honest.

I think they were talking about the daughters childhood - unless you are her?

No Im not the Daughter I would never treat my mother like that.! I cant belive that someone would. I say it again kick her and the husband out or leave yourself. Unconditional Love can be a killer.

He went away for a few relaxing days in France and came home needing to spend the day in bed. He was purposely avoiding you and the argument he thought would happen the second he walked back in the door.

He's now probably very confused that you quietly went about your days work and left without returning.

Do you think he would report you missing? Has he even tried to make contact with you to check on your welfare and state of mind? Has your daughter been in touch?

I really hope this break will give you some much needed time and space from everything at home.

You've been very strong this week and it's ok if you want to have a cry, let it out and gather your strength back up again.

If the rented house is yours will he move out easily? How much longer do you have on the lease?

I'm also baffled by the £100 into your account. Does he not pay half the bills?

@Devilsadvocat calm down
and slowly read my previous post
i was saying that the daughter likely had a fucked up childhood

i don’t know you
i don’t have the foggiest about your childhood
i don’t give a hoot about your childhood
but what is clear… is that you need to pause before daft knee jerk reactions!

Sat in car on car park wondering what the hell im doing! And also thinking should I have booked something further away from home?

Hope you're managing to enjoy the Spa now. If you feel you should have booked something further away, then why not do that now?
It's a bank holiday so you probably have another couple of days till you have to work, and it sounds like you can do that from home, so you can do it anywhere.
You've got a lot to process, so give yourself as much time as you need away from toxic relationships to decide what you want to do

Hi OP you are such a lovely person and you deserve to be so happy. If this situation isn't making you happy and hasn't for some time you need to move on.

Mmm. DD won’t go to a professional about her issues until/unless she feels she has issues (and people with fragile egos rarely do). The only way to tighten up the boundaries around narcissistic people so they stop damaging you is to protect yourself. There’s little point even digging around trying to analyse why they behave the way they do: nobody, not family, professionals or Mumsnet, will ever really know the answer (they sometimes behave as tho they do) - the best professionals can do is help us navigate the things that we recognise are blocking us. Entitled people have grown that way over time. You can’t change them overnight, can’t make them do anything. The only way to move forward and change these dynamics is to understand how to tighten your own boundaries - that means recognising your own wants and needs and quietly asserting them. It’s not easy, but @JustMissNobody seems to be doing pretty well at it so far.

A few lucky people seem to be this well-adjusted from a secure childhood but the older I get the more I realise we’ve all got our share of carcrashes in our emotional development. Trying to untangle developmental trauma’s the work of a lifetime but it starts and ends with ourselves. Boundaries: understand your own weaknesses, triggers, damage and grow strong. At that point you understand where other people end and you start. You recognise your own part in creating the dynamics that have been hurting you. The goddess on all this stuff for me was the ever-wise (and sadly no longer with us) Dorothy Rowe.

All this is goody-two-shoes maturity and of course your loved ones always deserve another chance - until it’s gone too far. So it’s also worth wearing a little locket next to your heart reminding you some people are just damaged, will always behave shittily and it’s better not to waste too much time ‘forgiving’ them because a) you’re really doing it to soothe your own demons - are you being kind or needy? - and more importantly b) they’ll spot it as an opportunity to exploit you again.

🤭

If I were you, OP, I’d stay away longer than you’ve booked at the spa. It might feel uncomfortable but I’d suggest it’s necessary.

One night, surviving on a take away, will have little effect on your husband and daughter.

In their eyes you’re extremely reliable as a wife and mother, someone who’s abided by the rules they’ve set, someone they’ve taken for granted to satisfy their selfish and self-indulgent ways. Overturn this. Protect yourself.

As you’ve signed off work for a week you could have ALL that time away from them. Have the freedom to interact with people who are respectful, to assess what’s happened, to decide the boundaries necessary for your future happiness.

Start putting yourself first. It’ll be a shock to them but they’ll have to get used to it, won’t they, whatever you choose?

Just slow down and read the posts before replying!

i wonder how people like @Devilsadvocat fare in life! 😆

So many twists, cliffhangers, betrayals, and unholy alliances. This is a proper blockbuster boxset.

yes, because the obvious logical thing to do has so often not been done in this saga resulting in the above situation.

JustMissNobody
I posted early in your first thread to advise about using time your husband was away wisely, gathering evidence and keeping your next moves private (all of which you did to your advantage) Massively well done!

I would advise again to use the time you're away for your benefit to recharge, recenter and reevaluate. Again, YOU WILL NOT GET THIS TIME BACK.
I Would also extend into the Bank Holiday if time (work) and funds allow.

Have a massive walk in the countryside (depending on location) Blow away the cobwebs of your old life. A walk in itself is therapeutic.
Have a massage and feel the tension being removed (never to be returned)
Get in the sauna and feel the negative melt out of your body.
Breathe deeply letting in the positive and expelling the negative.

Write lists of what you will need for your new life. This will make you feel positive and organised going forward. From experience I know planning is key here.

You are stronger than you will have ever imagined ♥️

She sounds like an extremely immature 26 year old. From the way she speaks I'd have guessed she was no more than 17 tbh.

Hope you're enjoying yourself OP and having a leisurely breakfast.
Take your time....

OP ?

Who are you referring to?

Sending you strength and courage .you sound like a lovely , measured lady who gives her best and doesn’t deserve to be treated like this . As others have said - take your time away now and clear you head and only go back when you feel strong and able to handle this . Keep your resolve to end and sort this !

@JustMissNobody
You shouldn't be focused on posting here, but just let us know you're OK!