To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

I am worried that you will be able to get back in when you come home. It has been known to happen. You have been treated appallingly.

Hope you get a chance to rest x

Have read bits and pieces of this thread and I find it quite disturbing for so many reasons.
I'm pretty sure, if they brought back public hangings, there would be a lot of people on this thread in the front row whooping with delight.

I get that, yes. But I took that post as an FU to OP’s husband more than anything else.
I do agree that some are following along like this is some storyline in a crappy soap though - waiting for the drama.
Yes, this is somebody’s life unfolding in front of us and some do need to remember that.

I honestly think you should be packing for real not making him thinks you are staying, just playing games. Are you actually leaving or staying?

Bloody hell, @DreamCarpet, ten years of heavy therapy and nobody explained this to me. Just read a short piece on 'over-responsibility' and every sentence hit like a sledgehammer!
Thank you. Sorry for the short diversion, OP.

I hope you manage to relax and re charge for a few hours Op, 💐

@JustMissNobody i hope your break helps you and you can relax a little

I'm sure she will sleep well having read that little nugget of wisdom!

It's her name in the rent book so she can force entry if so or get a locksmith.

I wasn't trying to be unkind. It has been known. I was left homeless from my own home. Yes, technically, you have rights, but, in practice, 50% of nothing is nothing.

Enjoy some rest & relaxation with a glass of something nice to drink. X

OP I've been reading right from the start and I think that your well deserved spa will reinvigorate you and will give you some good space away from the home to get yourself together. Do enjoy it.

I hope you're having a bloody lovely evening! You deserve it

Enjoy your break! Turn off your phone and try to relax xxx

No don’t give them an emergency number they’re all adults they can cope without you for a couple of days.

Enjoy the relaxation. I'd suggest using your time to work out what you want. What would make YOU happy? Sometimes it takes me quite a while kicking things around in my head before I find the right answer - and it may not be what I was expecting. How do I know it's right? It really resonates - it's like a ding ding ding ding ding.

Don't worry about if it's right or wrong to want what you want, just figure that bit out to start with. Then work through what you might do to get there.

I honestly think you need to assess the situation with your youngest DD. Your home life must feel pretty bad, waiting for the next dig.

I think I’m the PP mentioned and I didn’t say the OP should be grateful. The back story is that my DD had to take on far too many household responsibilities from a young age because I had a serious illness when she was 9 and I still feel guilty. So yes, when she came home from uni I was more than happy to do her washing.

Not hilarious at all really for a 9 year old to have a Mum who was bald and sick in bed for 7 months with several hospital stays. She has lived independently since 18 and has all the life skills she needs. She also did a variety of paid jobs so no, I’m not a soft touch, just a single Mum who feels guilty for the impact on my young child during an illness that wasn’t my fault. Of course OP’s DD should be doing her share of the housework.

I totally agree with all this but there’s no point making OP feel guilty for her past parenting choices, moving forward her daughter should pay for everything because she is now a fully grown adult. I had my first job delivering newspapers at 13 and worked at weekends during ‘A’ levels and every single university break, waitressing, barmaid, chambermaid, shop work. I didn’t ask for or receive any handouts from my parents and I paid for everything I needed, did my own laundry, cooked, paid for my driving lessons and car. I was respectful to my parents as well.

Honestly, if I was OP I’d rent a place with one bedroom and leave the pisstaking pair to manage their own household. The level of disrespect from both of them is intolerable.

You don’t have to accept it any more, OP. I’d be telling your daughter she needs to find her own place and buy herself a washing machine as well as everything else she needs to make a home because you’ve given notice on the house. She needs to be independent and learn boundaries.

Did you leave for your break without seeing or speaking to your husband? What restraint - I'd have had an almighty row by now! I know you love your kids but you've done them and yourself no favours. I do hope you can start to put yourself first now.

This

@JustMissNobody

I wouldn't be surprised if after the week you have had, if when you sat down on the bed if you didn't just burst into tears and ended up sobbing yourself to sleep.

It's been quite a week - h taking himself off on a foreign trip / you visiting a solicitor / searching the car / dd not being that supportive.

and now, according to 50% of Mn your daughter is just as bad as h, or even worse.

I am sure she is not and whatever happens re her will all sort itself out once you have had time to think / decide re h, hopefully everything will fall into place afterwards,

try and enjoy your 24 hours +

Having an argument would just give the husband and daughter the ammunition to say, “We knew you were going to be like this.” I think it might be a bit much to think @JustMissNobody will enjoy the spa but it’s some thinking space for what comes next. It can’t be business as usual given the huge shock about her husband’s finances she has had this week but it’s still heartbreaking to leave a relationship that still holds happy memories of when the DC were younger.

I couldn’t get past this and trust the husband from now on. He’s been so irresponsible, been bailed out previously and gone back to the same pattern. @JustMissNobody it is liberating to be single and responsible for only yourself.

Really glad you won’t be there to witness his self pity party after his holiday. He effectively walked out on you so you are sensible in considering the relationship over.

When you do return please don’t listen to any of his crap. A simple raised hand and the word “stop” should work. It’s probably got past the point of you caring why he did what he did and nothing can undo his treatment of you. No cooking, cleaning, laundry or buying food for him ever again. He probably planned to give you the silent treatment and I am glad he doesn’t have an audience. Do please remember to comment on how lovely and quiet it was without him there.

With regard to your DD, it is time to show her your love by giving her what she “needs” rather than what she “wants”. Often called “tough love”, she needs to learn an important life lesson; that if you bite the hand that feeds you, it stops doing so. Do not factor her in to your plans for your future accommodation. She must either find her own place or her DF can provide (in which case she might learn what he is truly like as well).

I wish you well and that you have a relaxing stay. I also hope you are able to start proceedings on Monday. Congratulations for no longer being a doormat and knowing your self worth.

Good luck @JustMissNobody.

Hope you can relax at the hotel.

Take care and stay strong xx