To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

A better one than you obviously.

Hope you have a wonderful relaxing time @JustMissNobody, ignore any calls or texts from either of them.

Marching orders for DD when you return, your updates on her attitude are something else.

Which is even worse. She should know the value of money. Having to pay for her own lunches, travel, clothes, glasses, holiday, car, insurance. How much people around her at work are having to pay in bills.

It's inexcusable for her not to even off her mother £50 a week towards food when her mother is putting a roof over her head.

The £200 a month I paid my mum towards 'housekeeping' was in 1991!! My jaw hit the floor when I saw the OP's DH gives her £100 a week to run an entire household. WFAT.

Well I’ve arrived, not checked in yet. Sat in car on car park wondering what the hell im doing! And also thinking should I have booked something further away from home?
just seen someone’s post about others saying I should be grateful about doing dds laundry when she was at uni or something along those lines. I didn’t complain at the time and never minded doing it, I loved having her home and missed her like mad when she was away from home. I’ve never minded doing anything for any of them. I’m just degrudging what I do now because of the realisation of how am I and how I have been treated and I’ve been accepting of it. My own fault I know.

Have a lovely break OP. Drink good wine, eat the very best thing on the menu and try to relax.
I'm sorry your "H" is such a shit and the support from your youngest daughter has been shocking (when she eventually grows up I hope she'll realise this).
They can support each other in their confusion when you're not home to be their doormat.

The entitlement is insane OP! She does realise she isn’t a child anymore? And that statement is only relevant ages 0-18 and even at 16 kids are out there earning and contributing to the house hold.

I think she needs to get out and see the world. I recall you saying she’d come home from uni at every opportunity - not sure if that’s normal ? When my sisters left for uni, I didn’t see them again until summer (we have a great family dynamic) but they were off living their lives and embracing being alone in the world. To come home at every chance just seems as though she never truly left the nest and her belief system makes me believe she’s very much “in her own world/bubble”

Dd does have a good income, she does pay for her own car, fuel, and her own insurance now. I paid it for the first couple of yrs till she built her noclaims up. She buys her own clothes, beauty products, personal items etc.
i buy all her food and other things she might ask for from other stores if I’m out shopping. Or if she asks me to pick something up for her when I’m out.
i appreciate how expensive it is to get on the property ladder it is nowadays. That’s why I agreed for her to live here rent free to allow her to save. I am fortunate enough to be able to afford it. However, her income is now way more than it used to be and I don’t think she appreciates this anymore.

I had to contribute 2/3 of my earnings to my mum when I left school. I did leave home at 17 though but that’s a different story.
anyway, I’m going to check in now 😊

OP you are a star! Remember you're not alone on your break - we're all with you

It must be hard to read negative things about your DD especially when you were the change to make sure your kids didn't have a mum like you did.

Little by little you'll get to wherever you really want to be - even if you don't yet know where/what that might look like.

You're not making money off her! If her food cost £50 a week and you charged her £60 for it and she didn't use any other services, then yes you're making money off her. But you're not. She needs to be very careful.

Have a great time at the spa, give yourself some headspace and remember that you are amazing.

I would turn my phone onto flight mode to prevent a barrage of abuse when they realise you're not there to be of service. Do. Not. Disturb.

And then treat yourself to dinner (room service?) and have a long, hot bath followed by crap on telly. You deserve it. Lie in tomorrow

She should be on her hands and knees kissing the ground you walk on. You sound like such a lovely mother.
so many would kill for the opportunity to live rent free to save for a house.

I would question how much she is saving if she is also paying for clothes and beauty products on a regular basis as it’s really going to be a slap to reality when she moves out (potentially alone) and has to pay for food etc, she really needs teaching some life lessons, sounds like she is going to struggle when/if she moves out.

Shame there isn’t a listening device on the kitchen wall to eavesdrop on their conversation. Might have been interesting to hear how shocked they are that you are cooking and cleaning. Was there food in the fridge?
Enjoy your relaxing evening OP,.

There will be messages. Lots of them!

Reply to the first one - "Need some time to myself to think so have gone away for the weekend. Back Saturday." Then mute!

Take the time to rest, recuperate and breathe... Imagine life both with and without H and DD in it all the time. Are you going to dread going home? If so, that probably tells you all you need to know.

I broke up with my ex when I'd had a really fun night out with some friends and they commented that I'd seemed totally different without him around. I realised then that I was spending more and more time away from home because I just didn't want to be around him, and he was always there.

Home is like a sanctuary to me now, whereas then it was somewhere I slept and spent as little time as possible when ex was around.

The final nail in the coffin came when he had to go away for business for a week and I loved it, before dreading his return.

We broke up the following week!

Not cooking

I hope you have a very relaxing few days x

Have a wonderful time

Not really your own fault op, you didn't have a very good role model in your mum. Don't be hard on yourself.
You need to enjoy your time at the spa otherwise all us mumsnetters are going to tell you off 😁

I hope you have a chance to relax.

I also hope when you get back you have the strength to make changes, you are being treated like a mug by your Husband and Daughter and they both sound ungrateful and nasty. Your Daughter needs to learn how much you have done for her and so does your Husband and maybe when they are paying for their own place they will realise.

I also think you will be financially better off alone but also happier when you realise what life is like without being the butt of jokes all the time and being everyone's cook, cleaner and personal bank!

@KievLoverTwo yep- I don't hold with all these early 20 somethings being at home if they have jobs- ( if you don't or are doing internships it's a different situation) and unless you live in a cheap area you probably won't be getting on the property ladder anytime soon either unless in law or merchant banking or something that pays really well - so this could go on for years-better to get in the real world of chores, house shares, 1 bed rentals and bills and take it from there , as my son said none of his friends who stayed at home for years actually bought- they just paid as little as they could , spent loads on holidays, festivaksand socialising and used 'bank of mum and dad'

I hope you’ve changed your PIN number OP. Apologies if I’ve missed that update

@JustMissNobody it's tough lovely- just take time to think, reflect and have time just for you- no decisions have to be made but sometimes you need to have that space to think clearly , without the people who are causing issues being 'in your space' -

Hope you manage to have a relaxing few days. I cannot believe both your DH and DD! You sound lovely and I really hope everything works out for you xx

He was running away. He’s got gambling debts and it all became too much and he’s going to be found out.
He’s tested the waters to see how much you’ll take and decided you’ve bought the no arguments at home shit, so he’s come back and will spring it on you at some point.
You are going to ruin the plan.

Stay strong,