To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

I'm delighted you're at the hotel. I hope you have a lovely time. Concentrate on yourself. Eat what you want, sleep when you want, watch what you want.

Id also put my phone on silent and not answer any text asking where you are or what you're doing. I'd tell them I'm safe but that's it.

This doesn’t even make any sense!

Yep I agree 100 per cent.
Well done OP, you are amazing.
Enjoy every single minute
I agree with previous poster, only reply once saying you are away till Saturday and need the space. Then no matter what you they might say, do not reply. Do not pick up the phone.
You deserve this.
This is the first day of the rest of your new life.
😊

I hope you're able to get some much deserved r&r.

Have you told you daughter the truth about her dad? That he racked up debt through a gambling addiction and barely contributes financially now? Normally I would say not to involve kids in these situations but given your daughter is so keen to stick her nose in (and your husband to encourage her) then maybe it's about time she knows the truth.

My first post on these threads, but I've been reading them over the last few days in dismay at what your H has done, and the appalling way that your DD3 treats you. The icing on the cake is that he got in today and took himself off to bed - to recover, to hide, to wait for DD3 to provide backup? Who knows, but it's just further terrible behaviour from him.

I hope you can enjoy your spa days. You really deserve to. They are perfectly capable of fending for themselves for a few days, and you need some space. Don't reply if he bombards you with messages, remember he's ignored you whilst he's been away. Ignore your DD3 too. She needs a wake-up call that you are not her unpaid help and punchbag.

Lots of other posters have said to change your banking passwords as a priority. Please, please do that if you haven't already, followed by passwords to your other stuff too.

You've really done so well this week. You've had a big shock, no support from your daughter, and you've managed to carry on at work and get yourself sorted for a spa break. Hats off to you!

Enjoy your mini break OP.
spoil yourself! 💃🏻🥂🍾
you deserve it!
Fuck ‘em!

Hay hope you rest, and yer have a good cry, it's OK sometimes just having some thinking time and space, you have been amazing this week keeping it together, big hugs to you, rest up , read, stay in bed all day it's your time, think what you moving forwards, but be kind to you please and can I just say from a mother of two adult children, god we love them to bits but we don't always like them at times, that's being a mum I suppose,

You sound like an amazing woman who has given so much. I hope you enjoy your time away looking after you and that this can mark the start of a new beginning. Whatever you decide to do, I send you a huge hug and my best wishes 🤗

I hope you are ok OP.

Enjoy your break at the spa, relax and put yourself first for a while because you deserve it.

As@Dandelionsarefree says, your new life starts now.
Are you less sad, OP, than you thought you would be? Or is the enormity of the last seven days still to hit home?
You have had one humdinger of a week and at no stage have you appeared to feel sorry for yourself. You’ve taken some bristling criticism on the chin and remained open, honest and kept your good humour. You’ve not ducked out of your work, and you battled your demons to open the car.
If the tears do come, please find comfort that in your week of crisis and realisation, you have showed Mumsnet that you are an amazing team player, selfless and full of heart. xx

She is in for a very rude awakening.

It needs to start now.

Stop treating her like a princess

But she's a grown woman! And needs to be treated as such

Just STOP!

I got taken to the City and was trailed round all the agencies.

Luckily I was interviewed that day and reinterviewed for another job which I got.
That was the day after I got my O-level results

Wrong thread, @Nanny0gg?

You asked if there’s any psychologists… I’m just an armchair one!

I’m afraid your DD3 sounds like a textbook ‘covert/vulnerable narcissist’

And the post quoted here it sounds like you suffer from ‘over responsibility’. It’s usually caused by childhood trauma/emotional neglect and is a type of boundaries issue which often results in enabling loved ones unpleasant behavior/habits. There’s loads of good resources about it if you Google it. A common consequence is that you are modelling to your child that mum’s needs come last/don’t matter. For some children this can be absorbed and they grow up to also be over responsible. Or, it can have the effect of teaching the child that their needs and wants are more important than yours and thus they must be somehow special or superior - the makings of a narcissist. Indulgence and taking responsibility from children also ‘steals the struggle’ from them and they lose the opportunity to learn and drive to be self-sufficient.

This podcast is great: maisiehill.com/taking-responsibility/

Enjoy your spa!! Hope you can switch off and unwind. A great F U to that douchebag DH if you can fall of the radar and indulge in yourself for a change. You’re doing brilliantly. ❤️❤️❤️

I hope you are not offended by my comments about your daughters behaviour. You did nothing wrong, on the contrary. You've been supportive mother. Many kids can only dream of parents being able to house them to save up for the deposit. But it bothers me very much that your DD does not show gratitude, does not appreciate how lucky she is? But of course you are a better judge of that.
I hope you enjoy the spa. Perhaps book something further afield for September or October? Then you can plan better, and the resorts will be quieter once schools are open x

Any need for this hostile post?

WRT to not knowing what you are doing there OP… just be, and find out.

A couple of days when you are not looking after anyone else. No demands on you. No need to compromise to accommodate anyone else.

Get out and about if you feel like it.

Your update about your upbringing was no surprise. No one made you important so you never felt important even to yourself. You then gave of yourself in so many ways. And it sounds as if you were so busy giving, and making others needs important that you didn’t notice, or find it unusual, that your DH was taking advantage.

I hope this weekend you can remind yourself how important you are. How much you have achieved work-wise, salary-wise. List your achievements, things you are proud of. Your strengths. And have a little drink to celebrate yourself.

"Anything your parents do for you after you turn 18 years old is out of pure love. Respect it and be thankful"

Your daughter needs to realise this.

He was hiding in bed all day today @JustMissNobody He’s hardly jet lagged from a few days in France!!

I pray to God that you walked out without telling either of them you are going to a spa? And please turn off your phone, eat, drink, relax, get a massage.

Let’s see if it’s considered fine for you to go on a holiday on your own with no explanation and no communication…… or if it’s only ok for DH.

A bit, yes. There are some people on this thread who are taking it all quite light-heartedly, as if OP is going to be waltzing off into the sunset with a large glass of vino and a tinkly laugh.

Just reminding the people with the popcorn that the end of a long marriage and a possibly irreparable relationship with an adult child is not quite that romantic and OP is possibly quite heartbroken.

You had kids, you could afford them and you bloody well paid for them.

She is now not a kid, she is an adult, and has been for many years.

If she paid towards household costs then you wouldn’t be “making money” from her, she would just be paying her own way. And it would still be way cheaper than if she was running her own home. Bloody cheek of her!

Please never do her laundry for her again. And only cook for her if she also sometimes cooks for you too.

Sounds like she has inherited some of her Father’s narc traits.

I imagine you are absolutely shattered emotionally and physically, you really need this little break to re charge. I know as Mom's, we don't mind what we do for our kids, even when they don't seem particularly grateful. Sometimes a little shock will do the trick. I'm thinking that's what's needed for DD. She needs to realise where her bread and butter is! As for DH, just an a..e hole, who doesn't realise what he's got and what he's gonna loose . Good luck, please try and relax.😘

Hope you get chance to relax and unwind a bit @JustMissNobody You haven't abandoned anyone, you have left a house where two perfectly capable adults will simply have to sort themselves out for a couple of days. They will be fine, maybe not ecstatic about their support human being missing, but fine non the less !