To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

@Alli88
He hasn't paid his way for years, just £100 per week towards rent, bills and food.
He keeps all his finances hidden from his wife.
Is that unacceptable?

totally @SugarSage – I guess there are always some extreme black-and-white opinions (and given the whole history it's not unfair to think there are grounds for suspecting the worst), but what's coming through here for me in the majority of posts about this is the surge of empathy and kindness from others. Either way, if it is MH, the OP still has had to deal with some pretty unpleasant treatment from him and the ball's v much in his court now to give her some explanations - however broken he may be feeling, nobody can solve anything in the dark.

Everyone's experience is different of course - my ex had a midlife crisis but the facts of that meant he still left our bed at night and ran up horrendous cc bills in the red light district, still serially cheated, still psychologically and financially abused the family and lied compulsively, still hid assets and sabotaged our car, still embarked on a hurtful and bewildering hate campaign and dragged me through the courts for ten years – and nearly 2 decades on is still not right. Sympathetic as I am as a person, and much as I have loved him, I can't just say 'poor love - it's MH problems.' It's really important to find your own boundaries when navigating this stuff so it's at least important to consider the worst case scenarios as well as being ready to be kind and forgiving.

I couldn't help thinking of that Netflix series Mrs Wilson reading the latest additions to this thread. People do have double lives. People do also imagine drama. Fair to say I'm on the edge of my seat now, gagging to know what's happened to the OP.

I totally agree 'not all men' etc etc – always. I have a hunch @JustMissNobody knows this only too well and has given away too much latitude in the past, which is why she has no idea what he's up to now.

OP, in your shoes I would stop receiving updates from your Dd . It is not appropriate for him to communicate via her. It either puts her in a difficult position, makes her a manipulated pawn in the hands of her father or gives her too much power, depending on what the hell is going on here .

It’s humiliating. If your H wishes to communicate with you, he can. If any info is changing hands it should be directly between you.

It also exacerbates the position of this Dd in taking sides.

She is old enough to be diplomatic. She has no business criticising you.

Wishing you ongoing strength.

Good luck with the car search today OP. I have a hard time believing your 'D'H doesn't understand why you'd be angry with him just taking off on a trip like that! I am not sure that when he gets back you'll find out much more from him. Hopefullly searching his car might bring up some clues.

'this is all second hand from dd' - very uncomfortable, this dysfunctional three-cornered communication, and it's very bad for that DD to think she has the joystick and can manipulate everyone. It's a well-known narcissistic tactic (deliberately using her as a pawn to put you in a weak position). Deffo best to short-circuit this unhealthy dynamic – if you can bear it just don't ask her any questions at all. For all you know she may be reporting back anything you say and do. Apart from anything else it's terrible for her to be in that position: sorry to be a doomsayer but if you do end up having to go through divorce she'll be more involved (and ultimately more hurt) than she should be.

Why would DH not take DD with him to France? It's the school holidays and she was interested in choosing a destination.
If she doesn't have a passport they could have organised one for her relatively quickly, or else somewhere in the UK could have provided respite.

But that's a red herring. The best thing I reckon is to follow the solicitor's advice line by line, as quickly and as efficiently as possible. It will be heartbreaking if DH plunders 50% of all OP's assets. My focus would be on ring fencing any money the OP has that doesn't need to be shared.

I would have stripped that car bare, by now. Forewarned is forearmed. As a PP said, if you have a camera doorbell, make sure it's brought inside to charge on the day you look in the car.

🤣

I tend to agree with you

He’s playing games with you. And that’s a no no in a relationship

Just a note to say that I think you’re amazing OP - strong, proactive and coping marvellously in what is an utterly shit situation. Proud of you and hope I’d have half your strength in a similar situation (whilst appreciating you probably feel anything but right now). Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

My SF booked a fishing trip with friends many yrs and and when he died my DM found out he had actually gone to Thailand and videos on his phone. It was horrific for her to see what had happened 😢 it left me hating him for it 🤬

Ok I'm going to be in a minority of one here but I really don't see what the fuss is about and think that all the conspiracy theorists on here are just fanning flames that didn't exist in the first place.

Oh, come on @Alli88

He has been gaslighting and financially and emotionally abusing the OP for years. His secrecy about his work and finances is also ringing alarm bells. Then taking off for a holiday with no communication. And you think this is OK?

Either you have a very low bar or you haven't read the OP's previous thread.

Posters defending his behaviour by playing the mental health card need to read all of the OP's posts on the previous thread here:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5144610-to-be-suspicious-about-dh

I mean it’s naughty but it’s exactly the sort of thing I’d do to someone that treated me so poorly. Turn the tables on them. Let them be the one thousands of miles away not knowing what’s going on.

think about it. He’s stuck in another country, has no idea what you may or may not do with his car and there isn’t a single thing he can do about it.

just make sure you ignore all the frantic texts and phone calls! 😀

I’ve not read through all replies yet sorry, will catch up asap. Had loads to do this morning but just managing a quick break so jumped on here.
still not heard anything from h and not been in the car yet. I was debating doing it last night but kept getting overcome with anxiety.
ive been thinking about some of the things ppl have mentioned about my DD’s reactions to the situation. I’m not sure if dd on the fence is more level headed maybe? Possibly thinks what dad has done is wrong but wants a fuller picture? I don’t know, she’s not lived at home for a long time so doesn’t see day to day life here and I don’t slag dad off to her. I may be completely wrong but she’s the calmer of the 3 DD’s.
ive realised dd at home doesn’t do a damn thing around the house, I pick up, clean, do her laundry and everything else as I do for h like she’s still a child. I’m still doing everything now that I did when the dc’s were little and just got on with it.
h and dd are like a little tag team when they get going, one of them will have a little jokey snipe at me and the other joins in. Laughing and adding to it and if I say anything they just say they’re just joking or having a laugh and tell me to stop being so sensitive or ‘god can’t you take a joke’.
im quite a placid person and it really takes a lot to wind me up, but I feel I’ve had my fill of it now.

@JustMissNobody have you searched the attic? has he left his ipad that you can take to comp shop to get passwords etc??? sorry but there has to be paperwork for the business somewhere, my hubby has loads. remember, businesses must still keep invoices and receipts for a minimum of 7 years!!

She’s 26 almost 27 not a school age child

Get up the courage to open the car / loft etc to take photos of whatever is in there.

If he left the car tho it may be super boring and empty!

And yes don't allow DD to act as a go between. It isn't healthy for anyone.

@JustMissNobody even the hmrc has to send letters which contain balances of tax due to be paid at the payment dates!

My advice would be to ‘rip the plaster off’ so to speak and go and look in the car now. Then if you do find anything that’s going to thrown you, youve got time to process and compose yourself before he returns.

Ha ha. Great joke. Are you laughing when they do it? Jokes are supposed to be funny.

@JustMissNobody

You seriously need to go into the car. The only other thing I can think of other than another woman is drugs.

Shady behaviour, keeping money separate. An extreme I know but stranger things have happend.

There’s nothing wrong with dd being closer to her dad than your other dds, that could just be a personality thing. The problem is that your husband is using her as a pawn in his game and she can’t/ doesn’t want to see it. And that’s not on.
But @JustMissNobody, you are right not to involve her or lower yourself to his level of gameplay.

Summon that courage and go through that car 💐

I agree, I don’t know who is reaching out to whom, I haven’t asked any questions and I won’t be doing. She’s been offering me the information when she gets home from work and I’ve just nodded or said ok or not responded. I’m not getting involved in any game playing if that’s what’s going on.