Page 12 | To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

JustMissNobody · 2024-08-20T13:59:20+00:00

Hi all, thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully. managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night! To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible. I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together. ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them. so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

6pence · 21/08/2024 10:25

Woman or no woman, his behaviour is unforgivable. If it was a mental health crisis, he wouldn’t be communicating with his daughter either, would he.

TheNuthatch · 21/08/2024 10:31

I've just read your threads this morning, I'm so sorry OP. What a coward he is. It doesn't sound like MH problems to me if he is still conversing with dd about that a jolly old time he's having.

Whatever, (or whomever) he is going through in France, you deserve better.

KreedKafer · 21/08/2024 10:31

JustMissNobody · 20/08/2024 22:57

There was an issue with an addiction to gambling many yrs ago. Not something he’s done, or I’m aware of since we cleared the debt though. It took some time and he wasn’t able to get any credit / credit cards for a long time after.

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So he's previously had a gambling addiction serious enough to get him into debt and wreck his credit rating, and over the years since then he's been secretive and controlling with money?

I suspect he never actually conquered his gambling addiction and has been gambling with cash without your knowledge and has got himself into a lot of trouble.

Clearwater18 · 21/08/2024 10:34

May I respectfully ask you OP if in the unlikely or even possibly likely situation your DH has been brewing a nervous breakdown for quite a while and is literally not of sound mind at the moment, my question is would you still feel the same about the end of marriage etc? There is definitely the possibility of an other woman in this scenario which would be horrendous for you but what if it's not the case and it turns out to be a mental health crisis?

Clearinguptheclutter · 21/08/2024 10:37

A bit late to all this. The only two possible explanations are OW or some kind of breakdown.
You're right to be looking seriously at divorce so at the very least you can prove that that's the plan when he gets back. But either way I couldnt see a way back from this given what you have described. I am pleased one of the DCs is on your side even if the other two aren't- sure they will come round eventually though.

Clearinguptheclutter · 21/08/2024 10:40

Clearwater18 · 21/08/2024 10:34

May I respectfully ask you OP if in the unlikely or even possibly likely situation your DH has been brewing a nervous breakdown for quite a while and is literally not of sound mind at the moment, my question is would you still feel the same about the end of marriage etc? There is definitely the possibility of an other woman in this scenario which would be horrendous for you but what if it's not the case and it turns out to be a mental health crisis?

Edited

having had a DH who did have a mental health crisis, it is a tricky one. For a while my DH just wasn't the man I married and refused to seek out any help. He did mostly recover, but I appreciate we were lucky. Howeer in OP's case there is a long trail of worrying behaviour and it appears this "holiday" is the last straw.

Somuchbetternow · 21/08/2024 10:43

I am a year on from separating from a financially secretive and controlling man and I have to say I’m happier than I’ve been for years.

He isn’t making divorce easy, he is still trying to control everytHing and hide his finances but I have a great solicitor and we will not let him get away with anything.

He also tries to use our adult DC to hurt me, to twist the truth and to try to take his side. Only one of the three now have anything to do with him as they have seen through him, hopefully the third will eventually but like yours, she is a daddy’s girl. I won’t slag him off to her even though it hurts to see her ignoring how much he has hurt us all.

OP you are being incredibly strong and you need to keep being. It sounds like you want out whatever the explanation he gives ( if any) and you’re right to. It’s not easy and I will end up significantly worse off financially than I’m used to, but my god it’s good to be free. I hadn’t realised how bad my marriage was until I got out. Like you his actions pushed me over the limit and I ended it. Best thing I ever did.

Im sure the solicitor told you, it is impossible for him to hide finances once divorce starts. He can make it hard and make it cost money to find them but he can actually be jailed if he is found to hide money. I wouldn’t try to do the financial side of divorce without a solicitor in this case.

Good luck and stay strong.

coffeenootropics · 21/08/2024 10:44

JustMissNobody · 20/08/2024 22:36

@rochenut 1 daughter witnessed something yrs ago the other dd’s did not and they are not aware of. I would never make their dad out to be a bad guy to them. They can make up their own minds and have their own relationships with him. I’m not that kind of mum x

what is your relationship like with the DD who is firmly with her father and the DD “on the fence”?

how old are your daughters?

mummybearSW19 · 21/08/2024 10:49

Clearwater18 · 21/08/2024 10:34

May I respectfully ask you OP if in the unlikely or even possibly likely situation your DH has been brewing a nervous breakdown for quite a while and is literally not of sound mind at the moment, my question is would you still feel the same about the end of marriage etc? There is definitely the possibility of an other woman in this scenario which would be horrendous for you but what if it's not the case and it turns out to be a mental health crisis?

Edited

Unfortunately the signs of marriage breakdown go back a while here. This "holiday" is just the last straw.

He is unlikely to be having a MH breakdown as he is in contact with their youngest DD who he is clearly trying to manipulate to be on his side so they can gaslight the OP together.

It is a very sad story.

I have seen at close hand men and women experiencing a breakdown. It is never an excuse for awful nasty behaviour over years or even a few months. I was subject to some nasty behaviour myself. Tears families apart when the individual does not want to own it and so something about it.

They have been married for 3 decades. He has barely contributed to their life together recently and has most likely spent all his money. Gone to Chase a bit of fluff whilst figuring out how to get out of a hole. Or just gone to clear his head whilst he works it out. He hasn't left the U.K. since he was 18. Suddenly gets a passport a year ago. No paperwork for his business or banking at home.

Has he shredded it to hide his real activities? It just doesn't add up.
Alternatively he has been leading a double life with OW and has run away to clear his head before coming clean.

Is he really in France? Or is he also duping his DD? Who knows. And who cares. If he hasn't left the UK since he was 18, why would he go to France now?! And why would he not tell his long term partner - his wife?

He has been an arse for too long and hopefully this week is what OP needed to stand up and get out.

Clearwater18 · 21/08/2024 10:49

Clearinguptheclutter · 21/08/2024 10:37

A bit late to all this. The only two possible explanations are OW or some kind of breakdown.
You're right to be looking seriously at divorce so at the very least you can prove that that's the plan when he gets back. But either way I couldnt see a way back from this given what you have described. I am pleased one of the DCs is on your side even if the other two aren't- sure they will come round eventually though.

Until OP provides us with more information when he returns, nobody really knows the reason for this uncharacteristic behaviour. I knew someone who did exactly this ie up and left his wife with no explanation other than odd behaviour over the period of around a year. His wife eventually found him staying in a local hotel. The receptionist told her he hardly left his room & refused cleaning. They gave his wife access to the room and the rest is history. He was hospitalised having had a breakdown. He told his wife he was escaping from ongoing danger etc. It was obvious he had become seriously paranoid and delusional. They are thankfully OK now but you just never know until you know. This could be anything.

Thursdaygirl · 21/08/2024 10:57

Until OP provides us with more information when he returns, nobody really knows the reason for this uncharacteristic behaviour.

This. Not much more anyone can say til he gets back.

supersop60 · 21/08/2024 10:58

Emelene · 21/08/2024 09:11

I’m sorry you’re being treated this way OP. I don’t understand why he isn’t contacting you attempting to reassure you. His behaviour is bizarre.

He doesn't want to. He doesn't care.

abs12 · 21/08/2024 11:01

This is all so bizarre, it's utterly gripping. Great your sense of humour prevails, sort of.

Good luck with the car search, and omg, the wait for Friday... how do you even sleep?!

Alli88 · 21/08/2024 11:13

Ok I'm going to be in a minority of one here but I really don't see what the fuss is about and think that all the conspiracy theorists on here are just fanning flames that didn't exist in the first place.

As someone who's self employed I fully get why he'd want to go away for some peace especially if this is the way the OP usually acts. Why would you take a source of stress with you when you know you'd be better off leaving it behind.
To be looking at divorce over this and in such a short space of time is the ultimate toddler tantrum and is so self centred and needy! I can understand why he said to his daughter that it was nice where op isn't around. He's got a lot on his plate by the sound of it and coming home to someone who just piles on the pressure instead of being supportive can't be an attractive prospect. I'm glad he has his daughter, it sounds like she's the only one who he can talk to and actually listens to him.

As for the other woman nonsense, it doesn't even deserve consideration. Why would he open himself up to even more hassle in his life than he already has. I hope he enjoys his break, it sounds like he needs it.

Alli88 · 21/08/2024 11:14

abs12 · 21/08/2024 11:01

This is all so bizarre, it's utterly gripping. Great your sense of humour prevails, sort of.

Good luck with the car search, and omg, the wait for Friday... how do you even sleep?!

This is a actually (allegedly) someone's real life. It's not some tacky reality show to keep you amused 🤨

seedsandseeds · 21/08/2024 11:15

@Alli88 People have no shame.🤦🏾‍♀️

MumblesParty · 21/08/2024 11:17

Aduvetday · 21/08/2024 09:13

You do know that many western men go solo to Thailand because there are impoverished prostitutes and under age children for sale? You need to check his hard drive.

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@Aduvetday I agree.
@OssieShowman I've never heard of anyone going to Thailand to play golf.

PoliticalCanvasser · 21/08/2024 11:20

I just told my DH about your threads and he said 'yep, affair. Definitely'

I am so sorry OP, no one deserves to be treated as badly as you are being, let alone by your husband of 30+ years! So glad you are getting legal advice-look after yourself. Your DD will understand why you cannot take this lying down one day, even if they don't now.

cassgate · 21/08/2024 11:21

Alli88 · 21/08/2024 11:13

Ok I'm going to be in a minority of one here but I really don't see what the fuss is about and think that all the conspiracy theorists on here are just fanning flames that didn't exist in the first place.

As someone who's self employed I fully get why he'd want to go away for some peace especially if this is the way the OP usually acts. Why would you take a source of stress with you when you know you'd be better off leaving it behind.
To be looking at divorce over this and in such a short space of time is the ultimate toddler tantrum and is so self centred and needy! I can understand why he said to his daughter that it was nice where op isn't around. He's got a lot on his plate by the sound of it and coming home to someone who just piles on the pressure instead of being supportive can't be an attractive prospect. I'm glad he has his daughter, it sounds like she's the only one who he can talk to and actually listens to him.

As for the other woman nonsense, it doesn't even deserve consideration. Why would he open himself up to even more hassle in his life than he already has. I hope he enjoys his break, it sounds like he needs it.

Are you the daughter by any chance?

tinklingchimes · 21/08/2024 11:22

Alli88 · 21/08/2024 11:13

Ok I'm going to be in a minority of one here but I really don't see what the fuss is about and think that all the conspiracy theorists on here are just fanning flames that didn't exist in the first place.

As someone who's self employed I fully get why he'd want to go away for some peace especially if this is the way the OP usually acts. Why would you take a source of stress with you when you know you'd be better off leaving it behind.
To be looking at divorce over this and in such a short space of time is the ultimate toddler tantrum and is so self centred and needy! I can understand why he said to his daughter that it was nice where op isn't around. He's got a lot on his plate by the sound of it and coming home to someone who just piles on the pressure instead of being supportive can't be an attractive prospect. I'm glad he has his daughter, it sounds like she's the only one who he can talk to and actually listens to him.

As for the other woman nonsense, it doesn't even deserve consideration. Why would he open himself up to even more hassle in his life than he already has. I hope he enjoys his break, it sounds like he needs it.

The lack of communication and leaving the way he has wouldn't be okay in my marriage and I can't imagine treating anyone like that. What's wrong with, "I need some time to myself, I'm taking a trip to X country. I'd like to not be disturbed but here are my contact details and where I'm staying in case of emergency."

PoliticalCanvasser · 21/08/2024 11:23

Alli88 · 21/08/2024 11:13

Ok I'm going to be in a minority of one here but I really don't see what the fuss is about and think that all the conspiracy theorists on here are just fanning flames that didn't exist in the first place.

As someone who's self employed I fully get why he'd want to go away for some peace especially if this is the way the OP usually acts. Why would you take a source of stress with you when you know you'd be better off leaving it behind.
To be looking at divorce over this and in such a short space of time is the ultimate toddler tantrum and is so self centred and needy! I can understand why he said to his daughter that it was nice where op isn't around. He's got a lot on his plate by the sound of it and coming home to someone who just piles on the pressure instead of being supportive can't be an attractive prospect. I'm glad he has his daughter, it sounds like she's the only one who he can talk to and actually listens to him.

As for the other woman nonsense, it doesn't even deserve consideration. Why would he open himself up to even more hassle in his life than he already has. I hope he enjoys his break, it sounds like he needs it.

Seriously? Her husband of over thirty years just fucks off without any notice having refused to countenance a proper family holiday, doesn't ask his wife to join, tells his daughter how nice it is when OP is out of the house, won't share any aspect of his life like a proper loyal and decent partner would, doesn't consider her needs of feelings in any way shape or form and that's a toddler tantrum? ....are you a man by any chance?

Thursdaygirl · 21/08/2024 11:23

The lack of communication and leaving the way he has wouldn't be okay in my marriage and I can't imagine treating anyone like that. What's wrong with, "I need some time to myself, I'm taking a trip to X country. I'd like to not be disturbed but here are my contact details and where I'm staying in case of emergency."

Totally agree

whereisthelifethatirecognize · 21/08/2024 11:25

THere would still be no coming back from this for me, even without an OW.
He contributes almost nothing.
You've been almost desperate in trying to find some couples time and take a trip.
And he plans an entire trip in secret without you, springs it on you, and then acts 'confused' and 'angry' that you're upset and suspicious about what's happening here.
Nope
You'll be happier without him.

coffeenootropics · 21/08/2024 11:26

Thursdaygirl · 21/08/2024 10:57

Until OP provides us with more information when he returns, nobody really knows the reason for this uncharacteristic behaviour.

This. Not much more anyone can say til he gets back.

That won’t stop the core

larkstar · 21/08/2024 11:35

@JustMissNobody Has he previously, or does he actually (or think he has the right to) make big (e.g. large financial) decisions unilaterally? e.g. buying a property in France?