To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

Please prioritise the car this afternoon

you are going away tomorrow ?

He’s always been a bit like this tbh, thinking there should be no consequences to his actions and doesn’t like being pulled up on anything. He just goes silent if I try asking him about anything or gets angry and defensive or starts throwing things back at me about something completely unrelated so I just stopped bothering most of the time.

You definitely need to look in the car while your DD is at work and also every single nook and cranny of your house/garage/shed etc. Keep a beady eye out for any secret hiding places you won't have though of before or things you haven't noticed until now. If you have to disturb anything before you search an area take a photo first so you can put it back correctly and he'll never know you've looked,

Everyone is looking for answers as to what is going on OW, gambling, failing business etc which is understandable, but the truth is there might never be any answers or the whole truth.
But what is fully true, is that whatever is going on is irrelevant, because he treats you so badly OP that it doesn't really matter why he's doing what he's doing (although obviously I understand wanting know).Even the way your daughter treats you speaks volumes of how disrespectful he has always been.
I've read both threads fully and honestly I think you sound amazing and you deserve so much better. Rooting for you OP and sending ❤️ ♥️ ♥️

@JustMissNobody exactly what @WoolySnail
said!

I think this would be how I would respond, too. Unless your DD is angling for a reason to say "Aren't you in the slightest bit interested / concerned?" - to which you can respond, "Well, your father didn't show me any interest or concern when he took himself off for the week".

If you have the financial means to, it sounds like you need to leave DH and DD to live together. Without you skivvying for them they'll realise too late what they're missing. The dynamic between them may well change when they have to put up with each other without you there.

As I mentioned in the previous thread, it sounds like he's spun this holiday to her as a Shirley Valentine style trip to 'find himself', and to a 26 year old that would probably sound perfectly OK.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things, OP, but do make sure you are getting enough support (outside of Mumsnet!)

Whatever happens it sounds like the marriage is over and you’re both unhappy.

There could be no OW, drugs, gambling etc, he could just be so miserable he has gone away, I’ve done it, in fact did it at the end of July on my own, I needed time away without all the noise.

You also sound unhappy and the daughters sound worried.

Maybe it’s time to separate.

I think you need to go further with your daughter and actively tell her not to speak to you about her father. “I appreciate your interest, but this is between me and your dad, so let’s not discuss it.”

Your poor DH telling your DD that he’s worried there’ll be an argument when he gets home. You couldn’t bloody make it up.
No doubt if you get upset you’ll be labelled as unhinged or some sort of psycho.
Why is the woman always expected to behave with dignity in these situations….?!

This. And I would go one further and give notice on your house. Get your own place and let them get theirs. See how much fun it is without you to bankroll them AND skivvy for them.

In any event, I wouldn't be doing a damn thing for your daughter as of now.

@JustMissNobody OK, he's been a shite but you've been enabling this - read something like Boundaries by Melissa Urban for just the starting skills you're going to need to help you toughen up - it's short and sharp. To that old 'god can't you take a joke' trope, the response is obviously 'yes of course, sweetie, but bullying isn't a joke' and shut down the conversation.

How old is your DD?

This is manipulation/ triangulation and common with narcissistic behaviour. Sounds like your OH has lots of other narc traits like mocking you, thinking he’s so important he can do what he likes, giving you the silent treatment if you raise legitimate issues.

OP Your DH's behaviour is strange enough but I simply cannot understand your daughter's attitude in this. If her boyfriend booked a secret holiday for himself and refused to tell her where he was going or let her go with him, would she just meekly accept it? She is old enough to understand that her Dad's behaviour is unreasonable yet is blaming you.

My daughter is the same age as yours and very much a Daddy's girl, but I know she would find this behaviour outrageous. You should be able to rely on her to be supportive but she sounds very immature.

26/27

Oh dear. Hopefully your more than adult daughter has some hard life lessons coming about biting the hand that feeds her. She'll soon find out whether her father is so marvellous or not ...

To be ‘fair’ to your daughter, she’s quite possible just as much as a victim of his manipulation as you are. Especially if this started from a very early age and she was ‘daddy’s girl’ and perhaps the golden child who couldn’t do anything wrong. She’s playing the role she was given and has always known. Often also common in the youngest child. Eldest child is often the most astute and will call things out. Leading them to be a bit of a ‘scapegoat’ and often an outlier in the ‘family system’. Middle child will stay quiet and sit on the fence as they don’t want the wrath of speaking out but they can still see what’s going on.

https://www.simplypsychology.org/what-is-triangulation-in-psychology.html

I completely agree, but not sure why you quoted me, I’m not the OP.

He's in for a shock if you end up divorcing him them!

I know people are harping on about it OP but you DO need to look in his car.. at this point what would it matter if there was evidence of another woman, if you do find evidence of that (It's doubtful you will) then he won't be able to make you doubt yourself or gaslight you because you will have all the evidence you need to know the truth.

Knowledge is power, that's all you have to remember here, it's really important you gather all the information you can before he twigs on what you are doing.

sorry for any confusion- it’s because you highlighted the fact he’s been telling the daughter he’s ’worried about conflict when he gets home’. By doing so he’s creating a situation where he’s manipulating her emotionally to be on his side and he’ll come off as the victim when - lo and behold - there’s a bit of ‘conflict’ when he gets home.

You are being full on abused by your 'D'H and your daughter OP.

I advise you do the Freedom Program. They are tag team abusing you.

It’s awful how he is keeping your DD in the middle of this. He’s behaving appalling but he has for years. You may never get proof of OW - it’s very hard unless they confess so I wouldn’t make this the deal breaker.
You’ve bailed him out in the past and he has repaid you with secrecy over money. OW is seriously the least of your worries

Took the words right out of my mouth.

It explains the secrecy as well @OssieShowman

Sorry you're going through this, OP. All I can add is that his comment to your DD about how nice it was when you were away feels more than enough to end it. Whatever he has or hasn't been up to on this holiday, he's stopped loving you and gone a long way to the opposite extreme and you deserve better than that.