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Original poster

Affair - advice

373 replies

Senselesstime · 18/08/2024 21:01

In a relationship with a man who is married.

His situation - I only have his word for it, of course.

No physical affection or sex for +/- 8years
No kindness
Very stressful and tense relationship at home
1 child - around 7/8
He planned to leave when child was independent - had a whole plan.

We met years ago, just in a saying hello kinda way.

Back in touch about a year and a half ago.

And we’ve been having an affair. Sex, yes. Also lots of fun and laughter. Contact, all the time, by text. If there’s an issue - health/family/work - we talk things through, as we would if this wasn’t an affair. He tells me how much he loves me, all the time.

He doesn’t want to leave right now because of his child. He does want to accelerate his original plan.

I love him.

All views welcome.

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 18/08/2024 22:26

Read the relationship threads over the last week and just see the devastation that cheating causes to families. How another woman could do that to anyone, I will never understand. Some of the posts, I have been in tears reading. Your every reply sounds cold and smug, I really hope it backfires on you. His poor wife, I hope she rises to be the winner in this mess.

OrangeButterflies · 18/08/2024 22:28

@Senselesstime

Where did you meet and who pursued the change from friendliness to romantic initially?

Who initiated the contact again a year and a half ago?

What indication is he giving that he will actually be leaving his family for you?

How often are you getting to meet him if he's a dedicated dad and family man? How long do you actually get with him in person?

Has he indicated that the plan will now be sooner? Or, are you perfectly fine letting someone else stay in a marriage where they are not privy to their husband having a sexual affair for the next 12 odd years?

Original poster
Senselesstime · 18/08/2024 22:29

Diarygirlqueen · 18/08/2024 22:26

Read the relationship threads over the last week and just see the devastation that cheating causes to families. How another woman could do that to anyone, I will never understand. Some of the posts, I have been in tears reading. Your every reply sounds cold and smug, I really hope it backfires on you. His poor wife, I hope she rises to be the winner in this mess.

I can see that I sound cold in replies.

i guess.. it’s none else’s responsibility to de with my emotions- I’m mainly interested in listening to outside perspectives on this.

OP posts:
Dotto · 18/08/2024 22:30

I don't know how you could be happy waiting for a man who is a liar. Not least do you not know for sure how he is with his wife, how do you know you are his only fuck buddy? He's almost certainly taking the piss out of you.

BIWI · 18/08/2024 22:31

JFC - absolutely nothing, NOTHING, in your posts @Senselesstime is about the other woman that is involved in this. It's all about you.

What on earth are you thinking? How can you justify any of this?

Original poster
Senselesstime · 18/08/2024 22:32

OrangeButterflies · 18/08/2024 22:28

@Senselesstime

Where did you meet and who pursued the change from friendliness to romantic initially?

Who initiated the contact again a year and a half ago?

What indication is he giving that he will actually be leaving his family for you?

How often are you getting to meet him if he's a dedicated dad and family man? How long do you actually get with him in person?

Has he indicated that the plan will now be sooner? Or, are you perfectly fine letting someone else stay in a marriage where they are not privy to their husband having a sexual affair for the next 12 odd years?

He did.

two or three times a week - a couple of evenings/nights and before work sometimes.

yes, he has. I think it’ll be in the next year or so.

OP posts:
BIWI · 18/08/2024 22:33

I see you cross-posted this with me:

I can see that I sound cold in replies.

i guess.. it’s none else’s responsibility to de with my emotions- I’m mainly interested in listening to outside perspectives on this.

You aren't interested in anyone else's perspectives, are you? Unless they agree with you.

Iwantacupoftea · 18/08/2024 22:33

I met a married man and told him l was really attracted to him but would NEVER have an affair. He left his wife, sorted out all the legal stuff and rented his own place and then we started dating - 8 months or so after first meeting. So yes people are unhappy and marriages do end but there a ways of doing it that don't cause the devastation an affair does. If he really wanted to be with you he would. Don't waste your still relatively young life waiting around for him because he's certainly not doing that for you.

grumpygallbladder · 18/08/2024 22:35

My best friends husband had an affair. I assume gave the OW the script. She thought she was in a struggling marriage because of her mental health. He left and she had a nervous breakdown and attempted suicide. He did that to her through his selfishness. Actually her mental health has hugely improved since he left. He is a dick and the OW is pathetic. Who wants someone else's husband. And what is the saying about when the other woman becomes the wife she leaves a vacancy? How could you ever trust someone who can lie everyday to his wife?

WhatMe123 · 18/08/2024 22:35

Textbook affair story.......

Original poster
Senselesstime · 18/08/2024 22:35

BIWI · 18/08/2024 22:33

I see you cross-posted this with me:

I can see that I sound cold in replies.

i guess.. it’s none else’s responsibility to de with my emotions- I’m mainly interested in listening to outside perspectives on this.

You aren't interested in anyone else's perspectives, are you? Unless they agree with you.

I’m reading and listening to every post.

OP posts:
BIWI · 18/08/2024 22:36

Oh yes, and you're loving it, aren't you? Just a way to justify what you're doing.

WhatThenEh · 18/08/2024 22:37

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the request of the user.

PinkLemonade555 · 18/08/2024 22:37

This reads like a fake thread designed to get everyone riled up, and it’s working a treat!

Original poster
Senselesstime · 18/08/2024 22:39

BIWI · 18/08/2024 22:36

Oh yes, and you're loving it, aren't you? Just a way to justify what you're doing.

Not really.

There isn’t any justification.

I need the reality of other people. There’s none in RL.

OP posts:
IOnlyNeedTheSilence · 18/08/2024 22:39

He has an 8 year old kid and hasn't had sex in 8 years? Literally not once since conception?

Catch yourself on.

And I say that as someone who has skirted veeeeery close to affair behaviour.

Newagestage · 18/08/2024 22:39

You both sound disgusting tbh, I hope he does leave his wife so that she can move on with someone much better.....
And you will most likely be served a large dose of karma when he does the same thing to you.....deserve eachother really

whichwayisup · 18/08/2024 22:39

I think you sound perfect together... Pair of arseholes.

Changingeveryday · 18/08/2024 22:40

He’s telling you a lot of lies. I bet you 100% she has a totally different story. Years ago I was in a similar situation, he said he was seperated, that before they properly seperated, they hadn’t had sex for a decade. They shared a home because of the kids and finances but that they lived separate lives and didn’t share their business with each other. He still did things for her like take the car in for an MOT, she still cooked meals and they were waiting until the children were grown up. He chatted to me long into the evening, it was clear they didn’t share a bed. I felt it was wrong, but I ignored a lot of red flags because of my feelings for him. He said he loved me more than anyone ever in his life, and it felt so magical (you’re not the first) he planned lots of romantic dates, wrote me beautiful things and gave me special mementos. He wanted marriage and a future and couldn’t possibly lose me etc. he was in contact constantly, for three years. One day I got a phone call from an unknown number, he said “she’s found my phone” he sounded pained. I said is that you, he said, I cannot talk right now, I will call you later. I thought ok, maybe now they can get real about this situation not actually working and both have a happier future. Nope, that was the last time I ever heard his voice. Through mutual friends it was apparent that he was a liar, she was devestated as she had found our messages, and they were clearly not in her mind seperated. I dont know if they were sleeping together, but let’s face it, for someone that lies the way he did, it’s highly likely. After that I got the odd texts about how he was suicidal, was going to lose everything, and evasive answers to all my questions, until eventually we had a huge argument and I never heard from him again. Expect the same.

Rowanberry24 · 18/08/2024 22:40

Well you might love hime, but he certainly doesn’t love you, if he did he would be with you!

You are a complete fool.

SquashGnocci · 18/08/2024 22:41

Just give him an ultimatum and stop wasting your time.

Either he stays with his wife and you get out of the fog to start your own life,
Or he leaves, and his wife gets the freedom to find a relationship and real future with someone who isn't a bellend.

PrestonHood121 · 18/08/2024 22:43

I bet it’s news to his wife that they haven’t been physical or had sex in 8 plus years.

Duckingella · 18/08/2024 22:43

My friends exH was cheating with a woman he was working with;she was younger and still live with her parents and brother.

My friends exH would spend one night a week there whilst lying and saying he was doing a night shift.

He got weird and possessive with the mistress so she ended it and blocked him on her phone so he'd call her household landline (This was 2011).My friend found multiple daily calls to said landline on their phone bill so called the number and spoke to the mistress's brother.

The cheater had spun a right tale to the mistress and her family incorporating lots of cliches from the cheating husbands script.

He told them the marriage was over,they didn't love each other,there was nothing physical between them,he often slept on the sofa,he was only there for the kids,he couldn't financially move out,his wife wouldn't accept it over and he couldn't let on he had already moved on because the wife was a vindictive bitch who'd try to block his access to the kids if he moved out/she found out he'd met someone.

You could have gotten a full house on his bullshit bingo card.

Needless to say my friend was surprised to hear that it was over and that they didn't love each other,he never slept on the sofa,he'd harass her for sex and if he wanted out she'd be fine alone,he had somewhere to go very easily and she'd not ever block access to the kids.

OP he's having your pants down so physically and metaphorically.

Unless both he and his wife have agreed it's over and that it's a marriage of convenience and they are happy for both/him to see others then it's just plain cheating.

OrangeButterflies · 18/08/2024 22:43

@Senselesstime You haven't actually answered my questions in full so it's hard to give you an answer.

However, he was more concerned about being with you then he'd leave now. Why wait? I'm not sure what a year's difference would make for a child that age, if anything, it would make it much worse.

So who is he concerned about in all this? My guess is not his wife, not his child and not you.

Honestly, I'd just put the poor woman out of her misery. She might not thank you for it but you'll be doing her a favour. If he genuinely does have things in motion, I'm sure you'll also get what you want much quicker as well.

betterangels · 18/08/2024 22:44

How are you this naive at your age? Rather it's probably convenient to believe this walking cliché because the sex is good.

Find your self respect somewhere and cop on to yourself.