Affair - advice

[Senselesstime]

In a relationship with a man who is married.

His situation - I only have his word for it, of course.

No physical affection or sex for +/- 8years
No kindness
Very stressful and tense relationship at home
1 child - around 7/8
He planned to leave when child was independent - had a whole plan.

We met years ago, just in a saying hello kinda way.

Back in touch about a year and a half ago.

And we’ve been having an affair. Sex, yes. Also lots of fun and laughter. Contact, all the time, by text. If there’s an issue - health/family/work - we talk things through, as we would if this wasn’t an affair. He tells me how much he loves me, all the time.

He doesn’t want to leave right now because of his child. He does want to accelerate his original plan.

I love him.

All views welcome.

Sorry op (well not really) you're a bitch. That poor woman and child. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I’m really, really sorry that happened to your friend.

The poster upthread who said about having to deal with things alone made a really good point. I dealt with a cancer biopsy, suspected heart attack (being blue lighted to hospital, pregnancy scare, serious health issues with my DC, family and friend funerals, pet surgeries, 3 (!) house moves. All on my own.
And it’s a very strange feeling to cope with things alone whilst having phone calls and messages from someone who is “so sad” he can’t be there. But really they have chosen not to be there, haven’t they?

It’s a weird half life you would be settling for, friends won’t understand and you’ll be the odd one out at couple dinners. It will all seem so special and sparkly, soulmates and all that. But in the middle of the night when you are laying awake you will feel the weight of all that guilt and hate the person you have become. Just don’t do it.

You're deluding yourself and wasting your life.

But not sorry enough to stop fucking a married man without guilt eh

You're a hypocrite

That's heartbreaking 💔

Aren’t you at all suspicious though? He’s already an established liar, as presumably his wife does not know about you. And more than that, his story is very “poor me”, isn’t it? “I don’t get sex, I am the primary carer, I am staying for the kids” - > I deserve to have an affair. It sounds too much of a narrative to me. Are you able to independently check out his story?

As a cheated-on (now ex) wife, I can guarantee the marriage he describes to you will not be one this man’s wife recognises. He is at the very least a cheat and a liar. I appreciate if it wasn’t you it would be someone else, so for your own sake, I would leave him to his tawdry affairs and adulterous marriage. If this is real he will find the strength to leave his marriage. However I don’t think he will - he simply doesn’t want to enough.

I hope you're doing OK, OP - you're getting quite a hard time here.

People have affairs for a whole load of reasons. But those who are genuinely unhappy in their marriage and are looking for a way out tend to use the affair as the catalyst and end their marriage quite soon. Those who don't leave, who allow the affair to drag on for years.. have no intention of changing anything.

Your affair guy has everything he needs. A wife, child and home life, and you to add the sparkle to his life which allows him to stay in his marriage.

Is that really what you want for yourself? To be the extra spice in another person's marriage? You're worth more than that my love.

You know he is married and yet you continue to be with him? Have you not heard of girl code?

I alway wonder when affairs actually work out and the guys leaves his wife for the mistress - will the mistress ever be able to truly trust the guy? How you get them is how you lose them right?

Plus is it not a massive ICK that the guy is a moral wasteland ??

The only truth you know about him is that he is married. The rest could be all lies. You believe he is lying to his wife, every day. I'm not sure how you could ever build a life with someone that you don't trust and how can you trust him? At the moment, all he's offering is the possibility of committing in around 12 years. Doesn't sound great.

The sex bit no, I can’t verify that, of course.

The primary carer bit is true.

The thing is, realistically what is going to happen in ten years time (earliest) when his child is 'independent'? He's going to leave his wife, become official with you, and you and he are going to spend the rest of your lives pretending you just met after the divorce? So basically live a lie to his beloved child? Does that tie in with the self sacrificing father he's presenting as in order to justify not leaving?

The ‘staying for the kids’ line is really just fear and cowardice.

not very attractive.

Oh honey....

Why does it matter whether they have a sex life🙄 Cheaters always say this so they appear that they aren't greedy and that they aren't putting you at risk. Perhaps he isn't shagging his wife but that doesn't mean he wants to leave her- which he clearly doesn't right now.

Thank you.

it’s ok - as I said earlier, it’s not a situation I would have imagined I’d be in. I really need outside perspectives- even the harder ones.

Also, just because he's not having sex with her doesn't mean he's not telling her how much he loves her. Most married couples so after all.

100% this. I have a friend who has been having an affair with a married man for years. He dropped her like a stone when COVID happened because he couldn't be there with her. She took him back.

She can't just pick up the phone to talk to him when she needs him. She can't walk down the street with him, or take him to family events. She's a lonely, hollow shell of the person she used to be. She has ruined her life waiting for him.

Well @Senselesstime Advanced Search shows that you're only here in this name. Which suggests that:

• you're a new poster, with a first username
• you're a namechanger, only using this name

If the first, then you'll be forgiven to a degree If the second, then you should have read all manner of other posts from women who are partaking in affairs with married women

If you're a new poster, ergo new to Mumsnet, then you'd do well to have a read of the relationships board, to see just how depressingly often women read about situations just like yours.

He may love you - but he's still married. Which means that there is - at the very least - another woman who is being hurt by you and he shagging around.

Have some decency.

You should care. The damage my ex husband's affair did to me was horrific. It took me years to get over and left my kids in therapy. I will never have another relationship. It's life ruining. It's the most arsehole, vile, abusive thing you can inflict on somebody. An act of violence.

I’ve name changed - as I said earlier, affair threads just haven’t been on my radar.

Reading now, though.

You are being played! He will never leave his wife. And I bet 100% he is still intimate with his wife.

If he really wanted to be with you, then he would be. The fact that he isn't & essentially wants to string you along for another decade tells you everything.

I was an OW 40 years ago. He told me about the lack of sex, staying for the children etc. He did eventually leave and live with me, but he refused to divorce her ( even though he'd asked me to marry him). The DDs never came to our house, and he gave his wife a good deal more money than the courts would have insisted on. I paid the mortgage and all the bills because he was broke, we only managed a couple of camping holidays ever.
I know he loved me and I him, but it was all really difficult. Looking back I can see how much pain we caused ( at the time I was young and naiive).
I also found out how much of a liar he had been, but again, I didn't see it and believed everything he told me.
In the end, I mentally checked out, got a job that took me all over the world, was unfaithful to him in turn, and we broke up.
It's not always a happy ending.

You don't know how you ended up in this position? - because you chose to...
what else could it have been other than a mess?